Stephen Colbert's Big Gay Roundup - Military Bestiality & Homosexual Penguins

  • Aired:  12/14/11
  •  | Views: 48,975

An early version of the Defense Appropriations bill repeals the rule banning bestiality in the military, and the Toronto Zoo's gay penguins turn straight. (5:01)

THAT'S GOT TO HURT.

NATION, SEX.

NOW THAT YOU'RE PAYING

ATTENTION, GAY SEX.

AND NOW THAT YOU'RE TERRIFIED,

IT'S TIME FOR THE DEBUT OF MY

LONG-RUNNING SERIES STEPHEN

COLBERT'S BIG GAY ROUND-UP.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

FIRST UP IN THE GAY ROUND-UP...

[GUNFIRE]

[LAUGHTER]

THE MILITARY.

NATION, IT'S BEEN THREE MONTHS

SINCE "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL"

WAS REPEALED, AND WATCHING LAST

WEEKEND'S WHITE HOUSE PRESS

BRIEFING, I LEARNED SOMETHING

SHOCKING FROM WORLD NET DAILY'S

LES KINSOLVING.

>> THERE WAS A 93-7 U.S. SENATE

VOTE TO APPROVE A DEFENSE

AUTHORIZATION BILL THAT

"INCLUDES A PROVISION WHICH NOT

ONLY REPEALS THE MILITARY LAW ON

SODOMY BUT ALSO REPEALS THE

MILITARY BAN ON SEX WITH ANIMALS

OR BESTIALITY."

DOES THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF

APPROVE OR DISAPPROVE OF

BESTIALITY IN OUR ARMED FORCES?

>> I DON'T HAVE ANY COMMENT ON

THAT.

LET ME GO TO ANOTHER QUESTION.

>> LET'S GET TO SOMETHING MORE

SERIOUS.

>> Stephen: OH, WHAT COULD BE

MORE SERIOUS THAN THIS?

IT IS CRUCIAL THAT WE KNOW

WHETHER OBAMA IS OPPOSED TO

BESTIALITY OR, LIKE ALL

DEMOCRATS, IS HE IN THE POCKET

OF BIG KANGAROO, IF YOU KNOW

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU SEE, AN EARLY VERSION OF THE

DEFENSE APPROPRIATIONS BILL

REPEALED THE RULE WHICH BANS GAY

SEX AND BESTIALITY.

AND CONSERVATIVES LIKE MICHELLE

BACKSTROM ARE BACHMANN.

FOLKS, I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU

WHAT THIS WOULD DO TO MORALE.

SAY A STAFF SERGEANT AND HIS

BOMB-SNIFFING DOG BEGIN TO HAVE

FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER.

AT FIRST THEY KEEP IT

PROFESSIONAL BUT SOON THEIR

NIGHTLY PATROLS ARE TURNING INTO

MOONLIT WALKS.

BEFORE LONG NO ONE ELSE IN THE

SQUAD WANTS TO BE IN THE SHOWER

WHEN THEY'RE SOAPING EACH OTHER

UP.

BECAUSE NOW IT SEEMS WEIRD.

NEXT UP, HOMOSEXUAL PENGUINS.

FOR YEARS... WHERE'S MY

BULLWHIP.

[WHIPPING NOISE]

THANK YOU.

LET'S BE CONSISTENT WITH OUR

THEME.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR YEARS I HAVE WARNED YOU

ABOUT THESE DEPRAVED AQUATIC

AVIANS.

FOR SIX YEARS NOW TWO MALE

PENGUINS NAMED HARRY AND PETTER

HAVE LIVED TOGETHER AS A NESTING

COUPLE AT THE SAN FRANCISCO ZOO,

MAKING THEM THE SECOND GAYEST

BIRDS AMERICA HAS EVER SEEN.

NOW, FOLKS, IT'S NOT JUST SAN

FRANCISCO NOW.

GAY PENGUINS HAVE APPEARED IN

GERMANY, CHINA AND TORONTO.

IT'S SO BAD THEY'VE EVEN

INSPIRED A HIT CHILDREN'S BOOK

"AND TANGO MAKES THREE," WHICH

PAVES THE WAY FOR SUCH SORDID

FUTURE TITLES LIKE "GOOD NIGHT

MORALS" AND "GREEN EGGS AND

DAN."

BUT FINALLY, FINALLY...

[APPLAUSE]

THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS ON THE

GAY PENGUIN FRONT.

JIM?

>> REMEMBER THE TORONTO ZOO'S

SO-CALLED GAY PENGUINS BUDDY AND

PEDRO?

REST LET'S SAW IT MAY HAVE BEEN

A PASSING PHASE.

THERE WAS AN UPROAR A FEW MONTHS

AGO WHEN THE ZOO ANNOUNCED THE

TWO MALE AFRICAN PENGUINS WOULD

BE SEPARATED.

BUDDY AND PEDRO WERE CONSIDERED

GAY G'DAY AS THEY PREFERRED TO

DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

IT TURNS OUT AFTER THEIR

BROMANCE BREAKUP, BOTH BUDDY AND

PEDRO HAVE TAKE ON THE FEMALE

MATES AND ACCORDING TO

ZOOKEEPERS ARE VERY INTERESTED

IN BREEDING.

>> THIS IS GREAT NEWS, NATION.

NOW WE KNOW THE CURE FOR

GAYNESS.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS SEPARATE

GAY MEN FROM THEIR PARTNERS.

PLACE THEM IN SECURE ENCLOSURES

WITH FEMALE PENGUIN.

HEY, I WOULDN'T KICK HER OUT OF

BED FOR EATING MACKEREL.

YEAH, GIRL, YOU WORK THOSE

VESTIGAL WINGS.

I'M GOING TO GET MY CRIMINAL UP

IN YOUR GRILL.

WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S MAN PENGUIN?

OH MY GOD.

THEN WHAT ARE THESE FEELINGS.

I KNOW I'M HUMAN STRAIGHT.

AM I PENGUIN GAY?

I MEAN, YES, I HAD UNEXPECTED

FEELINGS DURING "MARCH OF THE

PENGUINS," BUT I WROTE THOSE OFF

AS NATURAL RESPONSE TO MORGAN

FREEMAN'S NARRATION.

NO WONDER I BOOKED ELIJAH WOOD

TO TALK ABOUT HIS ROLE IN "HAPPY

FEET 2" AND WE HAD A SWORD

FIGHT.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT WIN THING IS

CLEAR.

WE MUST NOT INVADE ANTARCTICA.

FROM WHAT MICHELE BACHMANN SAYS,

I'M NOT SURE OUR TROOPS COULD

HANDLE THE TEMPTATIO

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