Sport Report - Miami Heat, FIFA & Freestyle Canoe Dancing

  • Aired:  06/13/11
  •  | Views: 62,898

The Miami Heat falls to the Dallas Mavericks, FIFA attempts to recruit Henry Kissinger, and freestyle canoe dancing gets exciting. (7:17)

WEINER TOMORROW.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, THE NFL MAY BE IN

LOCKOUT MODE BUT MY

REPORTING IS STILL FULL

CONTACT AND LIKELY TO RESULT

IN HEAD TRAUMA.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WE BEGIN TONIGHT

ON A SAD NOTE AS AMERICA'S

SWEETHEART TEAM THE MIAMI

HEAT FELL TO THE DALLAS

MAVERICKS IN GAME SIX OF THE

NBA FINALS-- FINALS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DON'T COVER YOUR GRIEF.

(LAUGHTER)

AND EVERYBODY KNOWS

AMERICANS LOVE ROOTING FOR

AN OVERDOG.

BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT,

AMERICA IS THE LEBRON JAMES

OF THE WORLD.

THIS SPRING WE DECIDED TO

TAKE OUR TALENTS TO LIBYA

AND SO ENDS WHAT COULD HAVE

BEEN AN INSPIRING RICHES TO

EVEN RICHER STORY.

WHO COULD FORGET THE

SEASON'S HUMBLE BEGINNINGS

WITH LEBRON LEAVING

CLEVELAND FOR MIAMI IN AN

HOUR-LONG TELEVISED SPECIAL,

THEN JOINING HIS NEW

TEAMMATES DWAYNE WADE AND

CHRIS BORN TO RIDE ON A

STAGE I HAVEA FORKLIFT.

EVERYONE KNEW THEY WERE

DESTINED TO WIN.

AND PERSONALLY I'M OFFENDED

THAT THEY WERE FORCED TO

PROVE IT BY PLAYING

BASKETBALL.

BUT OF COURSE LEBRON HANDLED

IT WITH CLASS.

>> AT THE END OF THE DAY,

ALL THE PEOPLE THAT WAS

ROOTING ON ME TO FAIL, YOU

KNOW, AT THE END OF THE DAY

THEY HAVE TO WAKE UP

TOMORROW AND HAVE THE SAME

LIFE THAT THEY HAD BEFORE

THEY WOKE UP TODAY.

YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE THE SAME

PERSONAL PROBLEMS THAT THEY

HAD TODAY.

>> Stephen: LIKE THEY SAY,

IT'S NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR

LOSE BUT HOW YOU DISPARRAGE

THE PATHETIC LIVES OF THE

LITTLE PEOPLE WHO MAKE IT

POSSIBLE FOR TO YOU HAVE A

CAREER BOUNCING AN

INFLATABLE BALL.

NEXT.

WE TURN TO SOCCER.

HOW LONG WAS I OUT?

(APPLAUSE)

FOLKS IT'S NO SECRET THAT I

DON'T LIKE SOCCER.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING GRASS

GROW BUT WITH A BUNCH OF

SOCCER PLAYERS IN THE WAY.

BUT I DO LIKE THE SPORTS

GOVERNING BODY FIFA BECAUSE

MI A HUGE FAN OF CORRUPTION.

I EVEN RUN A SOCCER

CORRUPTION FANTASY LEAGUE

WHERE YOU DRAFT A TEAM OF

YOUR FAVORITE BRIBERY

TECHNIQUES.

I AM DOMINATINGING THIS

YEAR.

MY STARTING LINE-UP INCLUDES

BOTH BAG OF CASH AND THAI

PROSTITUTES.

NOW JIMMY, JIMMY, I SAID

THAI, NOT BURMESE.

THANK YOU.

WELL, NOW THERE'S EXCITING

NEWS IN THE WORLD OF SOCCER

CORRUPTION.

>> DID QATAR BUY THE WORLD

CUP FOR 2022?

THAT'S A REALLY BIG DEAL

BECAUSE THERE ARE

ALLEGATIONS THAT A LOT, A

LOT OF MONEY CHANGED HANDS.

AND QATAR IS SAYING THAT

DIDN'T HAPPEN AND THE REASON

ARE THE U.S. SHOULD CARE IS

BECAUSE THEY PUT A BID IN

FOR 2022 TO HOST THE SOCCER

WORLD CUP.

AND THEY DIDN'T GET IT.

IT WENT TO QATAR.

>> YES, BECAUSE QATAR

CHEATED, AMERICA DIDN'T GET

THE WORLD CUP.

SO LET ME BE THE FIRST TO

SAY THANK YOU, QATAR.

WELL, FOLKS, THIS HAS CAUSED

SUCH A SCANDAL THAT IT HAS

EVEN RAISED THE HACKELS OF

FIFA PRESIDENT SETH BLADDER

WHO I BELIEVE IS NAMED AFTER

A URINARY TRACT INFECTION

INFECTIONFECTION.

NOW SETH IS CREATE AND

ANTI-CORRUPTION COMMITTEE TO

RESTORE FIFA'S CREDIBILITY

AND LOOK WHO HE WANTS TO

BRING ON BOARD.

>> IN THE ATTEMPT TO CLEAN

UP THE MESS WITHIN FIFA

MEANS HE IS ADEPTING TO

RECRUIT HENRY KISSING HER,

FORMER U.S. SECRETARY OF

STATE.

>> Stephen: YES, TONIGHT'S

GUEST HENRY KISSINGER IS THE

PERFECT MAN TO CLEAN UP

FIFA.

AFTER ALL HIS EXPERIENCE

WITH VIETNAM PREPARES HIM

PERFECTLY FOR A SOCCER GAME.

THEY BOTH GO ON FOREEVER AND

AMERICA NEVER WINS.

(APPLAUSE)

FINALLY, FOLKS, SUMMER MEANS

WATER SPORTS.

AND THERE'S ONE THAT

EVERYBODY IS TALKING ABOUT.

SAY IT WITH ME.

FREESTYLE CANOE DANCING.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY IT WITH

ME.

(LAUGHTER)

JIMMY, LET'S GIVE THESE

PEOPLE A TASTE.

♪ THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

(APPLAUSE)

HE WIELDS THE PADDLE LIKE

PICASSO WIELDED A PADDLE.

NOW FOLKS I DON'T HAVE TO

TELL YOU, THAT WAS MARK ONS

ONS-- ORNSTEIN MASTER OF THE

HIGH NEEDLE AXLE POSITION

AND GOLD MEDALIST IN THE

NATIONAL FREESTYLE CANOE

COMPETITION.

I'M SUCH A FAN I EVEN HAVE

HIS ROOKIE CARD.

IT IS SUPERRARE IN THAT IT

DOESN'T EXIST.

THERE'S NOTHING ON HERE.

OF COURSE THIS IS THE MOST

EXCITING TIME OF YEAR FOR

FREESTYLE CANOE DANCING.

WHAT WAS CRINGE EL FEVER THE

ANNUAL EUROPEAN FREESTYLE

AND CANADIAN SMILE STYLE

PADDLE EVENT IN GERMANY AND

WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA SOLO

RENDEZVOUS, THIS IS WHEN

CHAMPIONS ARE BORN OR

POSSIBLY DROWN

DE-- DEPENDING ON WH

CONDITIONS THIS YEAR MY

MONEY IS ON THE PROMPTSING

JOUM JONATHAN HAMMOND.

MANY PREDICT WILL GO ALL THE

WAY.

I WAS CAPTIVATED BY HIS

PERFORMANCE TO PHANTOM OF

THE OPERA AT THE 2007

MIDWEST FREESTYLE

COMPETITION.

THAT IS WHAT IS KILLING THE

BROADWAY MUSICAL.

NOT ENOUGH SMALL CRAFT

BOATING.

THE POINT IS, NATION, WE'LL

BE FOLLOWING CANOE DANCING

ALL SUMMER LONG.

THIS IS OUR FOURTH THIS IS

WHAT WE CARE ABOUT NOW.

AND BELIEVE ME, THIS HIGH

OCTANE MAN VERSUS NATURE

VERSUS SHOW TUNES VERSUS

HUMANA TENSION SPAN ACTION.

WILL MORE THAN MAKE UP FOR

THE CANCELLED NFL SEASON.

SO THIS SUMMER ARE YOU READY

FOR SOME MONDAY NIGHT PADDLE

DANCERS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CAN YOU

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