Threat StandDown - Monkey Terrorism

  • Aired:  08/04/10
  •  | Views: 29,823

Contrary to a "Fox & Friends" report, monkeys can't be trained by the Taliban to shoot and kill American soldiers. (2:51)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NATION, AS A NEWS MAN, IT IS MY

DUTY TO KEEP YOU INFORMED, BY

WHICH I MEAN TERRIFIED.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU'RE NOT STOCKPILING

AMMUNITION, LEARNING MANDARIN

CHINESE AND COOKING SQUIRREL,

THEN I'M NOT DOING MY JOB.

MMM.

MANDARIN SQUIRREL.

THAT'S WHY THE THREATDOWN IS

SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY

SHOW.

SO IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEART THAT

I ISSUE A RARE THREAT

STAND-DOWN.

YOU MAY RECALL THAT ABOUT TWO

WEEKS AGO I ISSUED A MONKEY

THREAT.

NOW, YES, WE WERE ON VACATION

TWO WEEKS AGO, BUT PREMIUM

MEMBERS RECEIVED THE WARNING VIA

MY PATENTED THREAT CHOKER.

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

WHEN I ISSUE A THREAT, THE

COLLAR CONSTRICT, ALERTING YOU

TO RUN TO A MIRROR TO READ OFF

THE NECK TICKER WHAT TO BE

AFRAID OF NEXT.

WELL, FOLKS, YOU CAN COME OUT OF

YOUR PANIC ROOMS BECAUSE IT

COMES OUT THAT CONTRARY TO

CREDIBLE MEDIA REPORTS, THE

TALIBAN ARE PROBABLY NOT

TRAINING MONKEY TERRORISTS.

[LAUGHTER]

I ONLY WARNED YOU BECAUSE THE

STORY WAS GIVEN TO ME BY THE

HIGHER PRIMATES OVER AT FOX AND

FRIENDS.

JIM.

>> THE CHINESE NEWS PUBLICATION

REPORTING NOW THAT THE TALIBAN

IS TRAINING MONKEYS TO SHOOT AND

KILL AMERICAN SOLDIERS.

AS AN INCENTIVE, THE MONKEYS ARE

TRAINED USING BANANAS AND

PEANUTS.

>> Stephen: CRACK REPORTING,

GRETCHEN.

I'M SURE YOUR PRODUCERS WILL

REWARD YOU, PREFERABLELY WITH

BANANAS AND PEANUTS.

AND THINK OF WHAT AN ADVANTAGE

THEY HAVE IN THE LUSH JUNGLES OF

AFGHANISTAN.

BUT NATION, I AM SAD TO SAY FOR

THE FIRST TIME IN HOURS FOX NEWS

GOT SOMETHING WRONG.

BECAUSE YOU SEE, THE

PRIMATOLOGIST HAS CONCLUDED THE

NOTION OF MONKEYS OPERATING

COMPLEX WEAPONS IS PURELY

FANTASTICAL BECAUSE MONKEYS CAN

ONLY BE TRAINED TO DO THINGS

LIKE TURN OFF LIGHTS AND OPEN

FAUCETS, SO WE'RE SAFE.

WE CAN ASSURED THAT THE MONKEY

SKILL SET TALKS OUT AT SMOKING,

RIDING DOGS, WASHING CATS,

ROLLER SKATING, ICE DANCING,

MAKING UDON NOODLES, MOTOCROSS,

KARATE AND COMPUTER HACKING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOR NOW MURDERING WITH ADVANCED

WEAPONRY IS STILL ALL OURS.

SO FOR DISMISSING THE THREAT OF

MONKEY TERRORISM, I BELIEVE

PROFESSOR MASON DESERVES SOME

CREDIT.