Boston Bombers

  • Aired:  04/22/13
  •  | Views: 50,181

The Boston manhunt marks the first time an American city has been completely shut down, and some confuse the bombers' birthplace of Chechnya with the Czech Republic. (4:39)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

THANK YOU!

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

PLEASE, SIT DOWN, WE HAVE TO GET

TO THE NEWS HERE.

FOLKS, WHAT CAN I SAY BUT WOW.

WHAT A WEEKEND OF NEWS.

LET ME CATCH YOU UP.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE "COLBERT

REPORT," I TOLD YOU THAT THE

F.B.I. WERE SEARCHING FOR

SUSPECT 1 AND SUSPECT 2, WHICH

THEY NARROWED DOWN FROM I DON'T

KNOW AND MAYBE THAT GUY.

THEN THURSDAY NIGHT, RIGHT AFTER

MY SHOW AIRED -- COINCIDENCE?

LET HISTORY DECIDE.

( LAUGHTER ).

WE FOUND OUT THAT TWO BROTHERS,

TAMERLAN TSARNAEV AND HIS

YOUNGER BROTHER...

( LAUGHTER )

A LITTLE HELP.

>> ZO-car sa-MY-ev.

>> ja-HAR zar-NYE-eff.

>> JOE-car SAR-nev.

>> JOE-hay sar-NAY-off.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GO

WITH WHITE HAT GUY.

( LAUGHTER )

THESE BROTHERS KILLED A YOUNG

POLICEMAN, CARJACKED AN S.U.V.,

ENDING WITH A HIGH-SPEED CHASE

AND A FIREFIGHT IN WHICH

TAMERLAN WAS MORTALLY WOUNDED,

ENDING HIS LIFE AS ALL ISLAMIC

TERRORISTS DREAM-- AT BETH

ISRAEL HOSPITAL.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

MEANWHILE-- MEANWHILE, WHITE HAT

GUY FLED THE SCENE SO

AUTHORITIES START A MASSIVE

MANHUNT, ORDERING THE ENTIRE

CITY OF BOSTON TO

SHELTER-IN-PLACE.

MARKING THE FIRST TIME AN

AMERICAN CITY HAS BEEN

COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN IF YOU

DON'T COUNT DETROIT.

( LAUGHTER )

IT IS-- IT IS UNPRECEDENTED,

FOLKS.

CNN'S SUSAN CANDIOTTI 7, I

THINK, CAPTUREDLY THE FEELING

BEST.

>> THE STREETS ARE EMPTY.

IT'S EERIE.

IT'S AS THOUGH A BOMB HAD

DROPPED SOMEWHERE.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: WELL SAID.

THAT'S CNN SUSAN CANDIOTTI

REPORTING LIVE FROM

NO-(BLEEP)YLVANIA.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

THEY FINALLY CAUGHT WHITE HAT

GUY HIDING IN A BOAT, AND HE'S

BEEN FORMALLY CHARGED.

THE QUESTION IS HOW SHOULD THE

UNITED STATES RESPOND TO THIS

ACT OF TERROR?

WHERE SHOULD WE STRIKE BACK?

WELL, LET'S REVIEW WHAT WE KNOW.

THEY ARE MUSLIMS.

THEY ARE BROTHERS.

WHICH MAKES THEM THE MUSLIM

BROTHERHOOD.

( LAUGHTER ).

THAT MEANS EGYPT.

( LAUGHTER )

THEN AGAIN, THEY ARE FROM

CHECHNYA, A FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF

THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION LOCATED

IN THE CAUCASUS MOUNTAINS,

WHICH MAKES THESE TERRORISTS

CAUCASIANS.

( LAUGHTER ).

SO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR

CAUCASIAN MALES WITH DARK HAIR

AND ANGER ISSUES, AND I BELIEVE

WE HAVE A COMPUTER COMPOSITE.

( LAUGHTER )

YES.

( APPLAUSE )

THAT IS THE FACE OF EVIL!

( LAUGHTER )

NOW, SO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE

CONFUSE CHECHNYA WITH THE CZECH

REPUBLIC, BUT THE CZECH

AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S. RELEASED

A STATEMENT SAYING THE CZECH

REPUBLIC AND CHECHNYA ARE TWO

VERY DIFFERENT ENTITIES.

HMMM.

ME THINKS HE DOTH PROTEST TOO

MUCH.

( LAUGHTER )

BECAUSE IT DOTH SOUND TOO MUCH

LIKE THAT OTHER THING I DOTH

THOUGHT IT WAS.

( LAUGHTER )

NICE TRY, YOUR AMBASSADORSHIP.

I'M WATCHING YOU, CZECH

REPUBLIC.

YOU, TOO, CHEX MIX.

( LAUGHTER ).

( APPLAUSE )

NOW, EVEN THOUGH-- EVEN THOUGH

THESE BROTHERS ARE ETHNICALLY

CHECHEN BEFORE COMING TO

THE U.S. THEY ALSO SPENT TIME IN

KRYGYZSTAN AND CAS CONTACT STAN,

PLACES SYNONYMOUS WITH UNREST

AND HIGH WORD SCORES IN

SCRABBLE.

( LAUGHTER ).

SO IF WE PUT THE PIECES OF THE

PUZZLE TOGETHER-- RUSSIA,

CHECHNYA, CIRSIG ZACH,

KAZAKHSTAN, THE CZECH REPUBLIC,

IT IS CLEAR WE MUST INVADE IRAQ.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I'M SAYING.

I'M JUST SAYING, IT WORKED THE

FIRST TIME.

AND THE SECOND TIME.

( LAUGHTER )

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