Superb Owl XLVIII - Football Health Concerns

  • Aired:  01/30/14
  •  | Views: 48,195

The NFL considers allowing medical marijuana, and scientists claim that football causes permanent brain injuries. (5:38)

Captioning sponsored by COMEDY CENTRAL

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: WHOOO!

WELCOME TO THE REPORT, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SOMUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEINGHERE, IN HERE, OUT THERE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COLBERTNATION, ONE AND ALL, IT IS THE

FINAL NIGHT OF MY EPIC, SUPERBOWL COVERAGE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

I'M PROUD TO SAY, FOLKS, I AMPROUD TO SAY IT HAS BROUGHT A

LOT OF NEW VIEWERS TO THE SHOW--MAINLY OWLS.

AT LEAST NOW SOMEONE IS WATCHINGOUR 1 A.M. RERUN.

FOLKS, I'M AFRAID WHAT I LEARNEDTHIS WEEK ISN'T ALL SUNSHINE AND

RAINBOWS BECAUSE THERE'S ANOMINOUS CLOUD WAFTING OVER

FOOTBALL.

>> A NEW PUSH TO ALLOW MEDICINALMARIJUANA USE IN THE NFL.

>> SHOULD THE NFL REEXAMINE ITSMARIJUANA POLICY?

>> WE'RE WILLING TO TAKE A LOOKAT MEDICAL MARIJUANA IF THERE IS

PROOF THAT IT COULD HELP SOME OFOUR PLAYERS, I THINK THAT'S

SOMETHING THAT WE SHOULDEXPLORE.

>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T HAVEMARIJUANA IN FOOTBALL.

NO!

THOSE PLAYERS WILL BE SO HIGH,THEY'LL FORGET TO TAKE THEIR

PERCOCET.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AND FOLKS, FOLKS--

( CHEERS )NFL COMMISSIONER ROGER GOODELL

IS NOT HELPING.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TODEVELOP AS FAR AS THE NEXT

OPPORTUNITY IN MEDICINE TOEVOLVE, AND TO HELP THEM DEAL

WITH PAIN OR TO HELP WITHINJURIES, BUT WE WILL TRY TO

CONTINUALLY SUPPORT THEEVOLUTION OF MEDICINE.

( LAUGHTER )>> Stephen: THAT WAS A CLEAR

ENDORSEMENT OF MARIJUANA.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: BECAUSE THATSTATEMENT--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THAT STATEMENT WAS SO RAMBLING,

HE HAD TO BE HIGH.

FOLKS, THIS IS REEFER MADNESS.

AFTER HITTING THE PRESCRIPTIONPIPE, PLAYERS WON'T WANT TO HIT

THEIR OPPONENTS ANYMORE.

THEY'LL JUST INCAPACITATE EACHOTHER WITH MIND-BLOWING SCIENCE

FACTS.

"DUDE, DUDE, DID YOU KNOW THATALL THE GOLD IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP

RING WAS CREATED IN A SUPERNOVABILLIONS OF YEARS AGO?"

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )FOLKS, POT IS NOT THE ONLY

THREAT FOOTBALL FACES.

SO IS THE SELFISH CONCERN SOMEPEOPLE HAVE FOR THEIR FELLOW

MAN'S SKULL MEAT.

( LAUGHTER )JUST BECAUSE OF SOME CRACKPOT

THEORY THAT HUGE MEN COLLIDINGAT

FULL SPEED MIGHT BE DANGEROUS.

>> THE GROWING AWARENESS OF HEADINJURIES IS PERHAPS THE BIGGEST

CRISIS FACING THE NFL.

>> YOU HAVE A NUMBER OFINDEPENDENT SCIENTISTS SEPARATE

FROM NFL DOCTOR THAT HAVE BEENSAYING FEBRUARY YEARS THERE ARE

CONNECTIONS BETWEEN REPETITIVEBRAIN TRAUMA, REPETITIVE TRAUMA

FROM FOOTBALL AND THEPOSSIBILITY OF GETTING LONG-TERM

BRAIN DAMAGE.

>> ACCORDING TO ESPN SPORTSSCIENCE, BIG BLOWS LIKE THIS CAN

BE THE EQUIVALENT OF TAKING ASLEDGEHAMMER TO THE HEAD.

>> Stephen: OH, THEY WORRYABOUT THE NFL, YET NOBODY IS

PROTESTING THE NATIONALSLEDGEHAMMER LEAGUE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

COME ON.

LOOK, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN.

I'VE GOT NOTHING AGAINST BRAINS.

SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS HAVETHEM.

( LAUGHTER )BUT YOU CANNOT SCRAP FOOTBALL

OVER BRAIN DAMAGE.

JUST ASK THE BRAIN DAMAGED.

>> THIS IS AN AMERICAN PASTIME.

I MEAN, IT'S REALLY TIED IN FORSO MANY YEARS WITH OUR

TRADITION.

IT'S SAD, BUT AT THE SAME TIME--I MEAN, WE ALL LOVE TO WATCH IT.

>> FOR ME AND FOR MILLIONS OFOTHERS, WE GET TOO MUCH PLEASURE

OUT OF WATCHING THIS.

>> IN THIS DAY AND AGE, PEOPLEARE NOT VERY HAPPY WITH THEIR

LIVES.

THE ONE THING THEY'VE GOT TOLOOK FORWARD TO IS FOOTBALL.

>> Stephen: YES, SOMEPEOPLE'S LIVES ARE SO BLEAK,

STUCK IN A SOUL-CRUSHING ANDPOINTLESS JOB, SURROUNDED BY

COWORKERS WHO DON'T RESPECTTHEM, THAT THE ONLY BRIGHT SPOT

IS LAYING ON THE COUCH IN ANACHO-INDUCED COMA JUST PRAYING

BY THE GRACE OF GOD THEY'LLCHOKE ON A CHICKEN WING AND END

IT ALL.

YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY.

IT'S HIS ONLY HOPE.

BESIDES--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BESIDES, IF WE CAN'T WATCHPEOPLE HURT THEMSELVES, IT WOULD

CRIPPLE CABLE TELEVISION.

NO MORE "HORDERS."

NO MORE "DEADLIEST CATCH."

NO MORE "ICE ROAD TRUCKERS," OR"MAN VS. FOOD."

ALL WE'LL BE LEFT WITH IS Q.V.C.

>> 1860 IS THE ITEM NUMBER ONTHIS ONE.

AND THE NICE THING ABOUT THESE--OH!

THAT HURT!

( LAUGHTER )OH, THAT HURT BIG TIME.

A PIECE OF THAT JUST-- THE TIPJUST GOT ME ODELL.

( LAUGHTER )OH, THAT GOT ME GOOD.

>> YOU ALL RIGHT?

>> A PIECE OF THAT TIP JUST GOTME.

>> WE MAY NEED EMERGENCY SURGERYIN THE STUDIO.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: HE WILL BEMISSED.