Tip/Wag - Montpelier School District, TheAtlasphere.com & Florida Officials

  • Aired:  01/23/13
  •  | Views: 22,447

An Ohio school arms its janitors, The Atlasphere helps Ayn Rand lovers find love, and Florida addresses its python problem. (5:41)

THAT GUY KNOW WHAT'S I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT THERE.

FOLKS, I DON'T PRETEND TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

'CUZ I DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THE FINGER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, OBAMA'S PLAN TO KEEP OUR KIDS SAFE IS LAUGHABLY INSUFFICIENT.

LUCKILY, ONE RURAL TOWN IN OHIO HAS COME UP WITH A COMMON-SENSE SOLUTION.

>> THERE'S ONE SCHOOL DISTRICT IN OHIO , THEY HAVE A NEW PLAN, AND THAT IS TO ARM NON-TEACHING

EMPLOYEES, BASICALLY THE JANITORS AND CUSTODIANS.

>> Stephen: YES, JANITORS AND CUSTODIANS.

IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE.

BECAUSE HE DOES NOT SPEND FOUR YEARS EARNING HIS PH.D. IN CUSTODIAL SCIENCE TO BE MISTAKEN

FOR SOME NUMB-NUT JANITOR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

POINT IS, THEY'LL BOTH HAVE GUNS, AND BE ABLE TO STOP ANY MADMAN-- AS SOON AS THEY FIND

THE RIGHT WEAPON ON THEIR GUN RING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO I'M GIVING A TIP OF THE HAT TO THE MONTPELIER, OHIO, SCHOOL DISTRICT.

JANITORS ARE THE LOGICAL CHOICE TO PROTECT OUR SCHOOLS.

AS ONE SUPPORTER WROTE TO THE THE LIMA, OHIO NEWS, QUOTE: "WHY THE CUSTODIAN?

THE CHOICE IS OBVIOUS.

THEY DO NOT HAVE A CLASSROOM FULL OF CHILDREN AS THEIR FIRST RESPONSIBILITY AS TEACHERS DO.

AND UNLIKE THE ADMINISTRATORS, THEY ARE NOT NEEDED FOR QUICK DECISIONS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: YES, THESE ARE THE GUYS WE DON'T TRUST WITH ANY RESPONSIBILITY.

LET'S GIVE THEM THE GUNS!

AND THEY'RE NOT --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEY'RE NOT JUST HANDING WEAPONS TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

THE JANITORS ARE GETTING "A TWO-DAY TRAINING CLASS, "WHICH MAY NOT SOUND LIKE MUCH, BUT

COME ON, THEY'RE LEARNING TO FIRE A GUN, NOT REFILL A PAPER TOWEL DISPENSER.

WHRF LF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NEXT, IT CAN BE HARD FOR LIBERTARIANS TO FIND TRUE LOVE.

WHICH IS WHY I'M GIVING A TIP OF MY HAT TO theatlasphere.com, A DATING SITE INSPIRED BY THE WORK

OF PHILOSOPHER AND FORGOTTEN MEMBER OF THE MUNSTERS, AYN RAND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE ATLASPHERE IS DEDICATED TO "CONNECTING ADMIRERS OF THE FOUNTAINHEAD AND ATLAS

SHRUGGED," BECAUSE NOTHING LEADS TO PILLOW TALK LIKE TALKING ABOUT BOOKS THE SIZE OF PILLOWS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND AYN RAND KNOWS ABOUT MATTERS OF THE HEART.

JUST LISTEN TO HER 1959 SEDUCTION OF MIKE WALLACE.

>> EVERY IMPORTANT MORAL LEADER IN MAN'S HISTORY HAS TAUGHT US THAT WE SHOULD LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

WHY THEN IS THIS KIND OF LOVE IN YOUR MIND IMMORAL?

>> IT IS IMMORAL IF IT IS A LOVE PLACED ABOVE ONESELF.

>> IF A MAN IS WEAK OR A WOMAN IS WEAK, THAN HE OR SHE IS BEYOND LOVE?

>> HE CERTAINLY DOESN'T DESERVE IT.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

>> Stephen: HOW DID HE NOT JUMP HER BONES?

[ LAUGHTER ]

Atlasphere.com IS THE BEST PLACE FOR RANDIANS TO FIND THE ONE THEY LOVE, OTHER THAN THEIR

BATHROOM MIRROR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JUST LOOK AT SOME OF THE LOVELORN OBJECTIVISTS WHO ARE ALREADY ON THE SITE.

LADIES, HERE'S ELIGIBLE BACHELOR "PIKEY PETE," WHOSE PROFILE SIMPLY READS "I AM ME.

THAT IS ALL THAT SHOULD BE SAID."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO YEARS OF SPARKLING DINNER CONVERSATION.

"STEAK IS ENTREE.

THAT IS ALL THAT SHOULD BE EATEN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND DON'T WORRY, GUYS.

THE ATLASPHERE IS ALSO FULL OF INDUSTRIOUS WOMEN.

LIKE "MYOSOTIS," A 28-YEAR-OLD YOUNG WOMAN WHO HUMBLY STATES "I AM AMAZING.

I AM DEEPLY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER I AM INTERESTED IN, WHENEVER I AM INTERESTED IN IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO FELLAS, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN HER, THAT IS SOMETHING YOU WILL HAVE IN COMMON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO ROMANCE-MINDED OBJECTIVISTS, LOG ONTO theatlasphere.com AND FIND A LOVE THAT LASTS FOREVER,

OR UNTIL YOU FIGURE OUT WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE PARASITE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FINALLY, I'M NO FAN OF SNAKES.

ANYTHING THAT HUGS SOMETHING TO DEATH HAS MOMMY ISSUES.

SEE A THERAPIST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I'M NOT THE ONLY SNAKE-HATER OUT THERE.

FOR MORE WE TURN TO FOX NEWS' RESIDENT MONGOOSE, SHEP SMITH.

>> SOUTH FLORIDA HAS A SNAKE PROBLEM, SPECIFICALLY A PYTHON PROBLEM.

WILDLIFE EXPERTS SAY AS MANY AS 150,000 BURMESE PYTHONS ARE SLITHERING AROUND IN THE FLORIDA EVERGLADES.

>> Stephen: THE PROBLEM STEMMED FROM PEOPLE IMPORTING THESE SOUTH ASIAN MONSTERS AS EXOTIC

PETS, AND THEN LETTING THEM ESCAPE.

AND I'M GIVING A TIP OF THE HAT TO FLORIDA OFFICIALS FOR COMING UP WITH A PLAN.

>> STATE OFFICIALS HAVE ORGANIZED THE 2013 PYTHON CHALLENGE.

BAG A PYTHON, YOU COULD POCKET A REWARD OF A THOUSAND BUCKS.

>> Stephen: A THOUSAND BUCKS.

WITH THAT KIND OF MONEY, YOU COULD GET SOMETHING COOL, LIKE A PET PYTHON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF YOU GET BORED WITH IT, JUST LET IT GO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW THERE ARE RULES.

>>EITHER SHOOT IT ONCE IN THE HEAD OR USE A MACHETE AND CHOP ITS HEAD OFF.

ANY PYTHON MORE THAN TWO PIECES WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED FOR PRIZES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: VERY IMPORTANT.

VERY IMPORTANT.

NO MORE THAN TWO PIECES OF SNAKE WILL BE ACCEPTED.

SO DON'T COME IN TRYING TO PASS OFF YOUR OLD SNAKE CHUNKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND FLORIDA RESIDENTS, PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

IT'S EASY TO THINK YOU'VE BAGGED A 6-FOOT ALBINO BURMESE, WHEN IN FACT YOU'VE CAPTURED FLORIDA

GOVERNOR RICK SCOTT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE

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