Current Events - Ultimate Taser Ball

  • Aired:  02/21/12
  •  | Views: 16,304

Ultimate Taser Ball is a dream come true for fans who love the NFL, but want to watch something slightly less violent. (3:59)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU.

NATION, FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW

ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I FEEL NAKED

WITHOUT MY TASER.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH IS IRONIC BECAUSE IT'S

USUALLY WHEN I'M NAKED THAT I

GET TASED.

ONCE AGAIN, MY APOLOGIES TO

DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN AND

EVERYONE AT THE BOOK SIGNING.

(LAUGHTER)

SO IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER

INSTALLMENT OF MY AWARD WINNING

SEGMENT "CURRENT EVENTS."

(APPLAUSE)

♪ SHOCK THE MONKEY... ♪

>> DON'T TASE ME BRO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: TONIGHT, THE

LIGHTER SIDE OF TASING.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, SOMEONE HAS FINALLY

ANSWERED THE QUESTION THAT RUNS

THROUGH ALL OF OUR MINDS WHEN WE

SEE A TASER VICTIM WRITHING ON

THE GROUND IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN:

WHY ISN'T THIS A SPORT?

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, IT IS NOW.

THIS IS ULTIMATE TASER BALL.

JIM?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> YOU'VE GOT TO NOT BE SCARED,

MAN.

WHEN YOU GET THAT BALL YOU KNOW

YOU'RE GOING TO GET TASED AND IF

YOU CAN RUN THROUGH THE TASE,

YOU'LL ALWAYS SUCCEED.

>> RUNNING SOMEBODY, WHILE

TASING.

>> Stephen: YES, ULTIMATE

TASER BALL HAS DONE THE

UNIMAGINABLE: THEY HAVE MADE

SOCCER INTERESTING.

(LAUGHTER)

REMEMBER, FOLKS...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

REMEMBER, THIS IS ULTIMATE TASER

BALL, NOT REGULAR TASER BALL.

(LAUGHTER)

THE NONCOMPETITIVE GAME OF

TEENAGERS TASING THEIR TESTICLES

IN A PARKING LOT.

JIM?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(BLEEP)

♪ I BELIEVE THAT CHILDREN ARE

OUR FUTURE, TEACH THEM WELL AND

LET THEM LEAD THE WAY ♪

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: NOW, ULTIMATE

TASER BALL IS THE FUTURE OF

SPORT AND HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:

THE OBJECT OF THE GAME IS TO PUT

A GIANT OVERSIZED SOCCER BALL

INTO THE OTHER TEAM'S NET

WITHOUT BEING TASED.

THEN, TO DETERMINE THE FINAL

SCORE, YOU TAKE THE NUMBER OF

GOALS MINUS THE NUMBER OF

TONGUES BITTEN OFF.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN AFTERWARDS, EVERYONE HITS

THE SHOWERS WITH A TOASTER.

(LAUGHTER)

DON'T WORRY, IT'S COMPLETELY

SAFE, AS EXPLAINED BY THE

INVENTOR OF ULTIMATE TASER BALL,

LEIF KELLENBERGER.

>> WE ONLY USE FIVE TO EIGHT

MILLIAMPS.

IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOUR VITAL OR

YOUR HEART.

ANY OF YOUR VITAL ORGANS OR YOUR

HEART AND IT WON'T AFFECT YOU

LONG-TERM.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU CAN

TRUST THE MEDICAL OF A GUY WHO

DOESN'T INCLUDE "HEART" IN THE

VITAL ORGANS.

(LAUGHTER)

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

ULTIMATE TASER BALL IS A DREAM

COME TRUE FOR FANS WHO LOVE THE

N.F.L. BUT WANT TO WATCH

SOMETHING SLIGHTLY LESS VIOLENT.

NATION, I PRAY THAT THE U-T.V.

CONCEPT CATCHES ON SO WE CAN SEE

MORE HYBRIDS BETWEEN SPORTS AND

NONLETHAL WEAPONS.

LIKE RUBBER BULLET BASKETBALL.

POLICE DOG TENNIS AND PEPPER

PRAY SCRABBLE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR THIS EDITION

OF "CURRENT EVENTS."

BEFORE WE GO, THIS WEEK'S RAPOUS

TASE GOES TO NORTH CAROLINA'S

CUMBERLAND CONTINUER SHERIFF'S

OFFICE FOR TASE AGO WOMAN WHO

CUT IN LINE AND BLOCKED A

McDONALD'S DRIVE THROUGH.

THE OFFICERS GAVE HER A