Yahweh or No Way - Thor & Apocalypse Billboard

  • Aired:  05/10/11
  •  | Views: 64,371

"Thor" earns $66 million in its opening weekend, and a Family Radio billboard predicts the end of the world. (7:10)

(CROWD CHANTING "TRUMP")

NO, IT DOESN'T REALLY WORK.

NEEDS TWO SYLLABLES.

NATION, UNLESS YOU SPENT THE

LAST WEEK LIVING IN A CAVE, YOU

KNOW WE KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BY THE WAY, IF YOU DO LIVE IN A

CAVE, THE NAVY SEALS ARE ON THE

WAY, SO ENJOY THAT LEFT EYE

WHILE YOU CAN

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

NOW, DEMOCRATS... TOO SOON?

(LAUGHTER)

DEMOCRATS CREDIT OBAMA.

CONSERVATIVES CREDIT GEORGE W.

BUSH.

PERUVIAN PRESIDENT ALAN GARCIA

KNOWS WHO'S REALLY RESPONSIBLE

FOR THIS RIGHTEOUS KILL.

>> (translated): IT MAKES ME

HAPPY.

IT GIVES ME PLEASURE TO THINK

WHAT IT MEANS FOR THE

BEATIFICATION OF POPE JOHN PAUL

II.

>> (translated): OSAMA BIN

LADEN?

>> (translated): I HAVE SAID

THAT THE POPE'S FIRST MIRACLE

HAS BEEN TO REMOVE FROM THE

EARTH THIS DEMONIC INCARNATION

OF EVIL AND HATRED

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

POPE JOHN PAUL II KILLED BIN

LADEN

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SEE, HERE'S WHAT HE'S TALKING

ABOUT.

HERE'S WHAT THE PERUVIAN

PRESIDENT IS TALKING ABOUT.

THE FIRST STEP TO SAINTHOOD IS

CALLED BEATIFICATION AND JOHN

PAUL WAS BEATIFIED THE SAME DAY

BIN LADEN WAS KILLED.

WHICH WAS ALSO THE SAME DAY THAT

THE MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES WON A

SECOND-ROUND PLAYOFF GAME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO YOU CAN PUT J.C. DOWN FOR TWO

MIRACLES.

(LAUGHTER)

THE POINT IS THE LORD WORKS

MIRACLES EVERYDAY, YOU'VE JUST

GOT TO KNOW HOW TO SPOT THEM.

THIS IS YAHWEH OR NO WAY.

(LAUGHTER)

FIRST UP, THE MY VIE "THOR"

UPPED THIS WEEKEND.

THOR IS, OF COURSE, THE NO, SIR

GOT OF LIGHTNING, THUNDER, OAK

TREES AND FERTILITY.

SO HE'S THE ONE YOU WANT TO PRAY

TO IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO MAKE LOVE

TO A TREE IN AN ELECTRICAL

STORM.

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

NORSE.

AND THIS WEEKEND, "THOR" PULLED

IN $66 MILLION!

THE POPULARITY OF THIS VIKING

GOD HAS GOT ME WORRIED THAT

CHRISTIANS MAY BECOME

VI-CURIOUS.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT, THERE ARE

A LOT OF SIMILARITIES BETWEEN

THOR AND JESUS.

(LAUGHTER)

JESUS WAS A CARPENTER SO THEY

BOTH HAVE HAMMERS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEY BOTH HADDAD DI ISSUES.

ODIN EXILED THOR TO EARTH TO

HUMBLE HIM AND GOD SENT JESUS TO

EARTH TO DIE FOR OUR SINS.

EITHER WAY YOU'RE LOOKING AT A

COUPLE OF PRETTY AWKWARD

FATHER'S DAYS.

(LAUGHTER)

PLUS BOTH JESUS AND THOR ARE

TOTALLY CUT!

(LAUGHTER)

SO THE OBVIOUS THEOLOGICAL

QUESTION IS COULD JESUS TAKE

THOR IN A FIGHT?

YAHWEH OR NO WAY?

YAHWEH!

♪ HALLELUJAH...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

$66 MILLION ISN'T BAD, BUT JESUS

MADE $83 MILLION THE OPENING

WEEKEND OF "THE PASSION OF THE

CHRIST."

SORRY, THOR.

(LAUGHTER)

DOES THAT MAKE YOU THAD?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU CAN THUCK MY MID-GUARD

SERPENT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OF COURSE, PROBLEM IS, THOR IS

BOUND TO HAVE A SEQUEL SO GOD

BETTER BRING JESUS BACK SOON AND

WHILE HE'S AT IT THROW HIM SOME

NEW SUPERPOWERS.

HE CAN ALREADY WALK ON WATER,

BUT IMAGINE THOR'S SURPRISE WHEN

JESUS ALSO HAS JET SANDALS AND A

PREHENSILE BEARD.

(LAUGHTER)

AND JESUS MIGHT BE FIGHTING THOR

SOONER THAN YOU THINK, FOLKS,

BECAUSE THE CHRISTIAN GROUP

FAMILY RADIO-- HITS FROM THE

'40s, '50s AND 1860s-- IS

SENDING THREE CARAVANS OF

R.V.s AROUND AMERICA SAYING

"SAVE THE DATE, RETURN OF

CHRIST, MAY 21, 2011."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SAVE THE DATE?

SAVE THE DATE?

LIKE A WEDDING?

(LAUGHTER)

I WONDER IF THE APOCALYPSE WILL

BE CHICKEN OR FISH?

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, THIS MEANS THERE ARE ONLY

11 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL THERE ARE

NO SHOPPING DAYS.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO, QUESTION IS, IS IS GOD

ENDING THE WORLD ON MAY 21?

YAHWEH OR NO WAY?

YAHWEH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOTE HALLELUJAH... ♪♪

FOLKS, THIS PROPHECY WAS MADE BY

AMERICANS, I LIKE MY DOOM CRYING

HOMEGROWN.

NOT LIKE THAT MAYAN 2012 CRAP

THAT'S BEEN SNEAKING ACROSS OUR

SOUTHERN BORDERS.

IT'S THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE

APOCALYPSE, NOT THE FOUR JORGES

OF THE APOCALYPSE

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PLUS, FAMILY RADIO'S LEADER

HAROLD CAMPING IS AN EXPERT AT

PREDICTING THE END OF THE

WORLD-- IN THAT HE'S DONE IT

BEFORE.

HE PREVIOUSLY SAID THE WORLD

WOULD END ON SEPTEMBER 4, 1994.

NOW, IN HIS DEFENSE, THAT WAS

THE YEAR THE FIRST HOOTIE & THE

BLOWFISH ALBUM CAME OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK WE ALL PRAYED THE END

WAS NEAR.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THIS TIME CAMPING'S

DEFINITELY PROBABLY GOT IT

RIGHT.

HERE'S HOW HE DOES THE MATH.

NOAH'S FLOOD OCCURRED 7,000

YEARS AGO AND AT THE TIME GOD

TOLD NOAH THAT HE HAD SEVEN DAYS

BEFORE THE FLOOD WOULD START.

THEN IN SECOND PETER IT SAYS

"WITH THE LORD, A DAY IS LIKE A

THOUSAND YEARS."

AND I'M SURE IN HIS JOB IT IS.

YOU THINK CREATING SPREADSHEETS

IS TEDIOUS?

IMAGINE COMING UP WITH A THIRD

KIND OF OWL.

(LAUGHTER)

SO LET'S SEE.

LET'S CHECK HIS NUMBERS THERE.

LET'S SEE.

OKAY.

SEVEN DAYS, SEVEN DAYS TIMES

1,000 CARRY THE CUBIT EQUALS...

(LAUGHTER)

MAY 21.

YUP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND, FOLKS, THAT WORKED OUT

GREAT FOR ME, BECAUSE ON MAY 21,

I WILL BE LEAVING PORT IN THE

ON-DECK CHARLESTON TO BERMUDA

RACE SAILING MY BOAT THE AUDI."

(LAUGHTER)

SO WHILE SINNERS ARE BOILING IN

THEIR OWN JUICES HERE ON SOLID

GROUND, I'LL BE SAFELY IN

INTERNATIONAL WATERS WHERE GOD

DOES NOT HAVE AN EXTRADITION

TREATY WITH NEPTUNE.

(APPLAUSE)

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT'S

EDITION OF "YAHWEH OR NO WAY."

AND IF THE PEOPLE OF FAMILY

RADIO ARE RIGHT, THAT'S IT FOR

THE LAST EDITION OF YAHWEH

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