Tip/Wag - Japanese Diet Goggles, U.S. Sperm Exports & Taxidermied Toys

  • Aired:  06/05/12
  •  | Views: 11,676

Japanese diet glasses reduce Oreo intake, America is the gold standard of sperm, and Dutch artist Bart Jansen converts his dead cat into a model helicopter. (6:51)

(LAUGHTER) NATION, YOU KNOW ME, I'M NOT ONE TO JUDGE-- I'M NUMBER ONE TO JUDGE.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NATION, THESE DAYS WE'RE ALL TRYING TO SLIM DOWN PERSONALLY

I'M A WEIGHT WATCHER.

NOT THE CLUB, I JUST WATCH PEOPLE WHO ARE OVERWEIGHT.

SO FAR I HAVEN'T LOST A POUND BUT I HAVE BEEN TASERED TWICE.

(LAUGHTER) LUCKILY JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE COME UP WITH A GREAT NEW WAY TO

HELP PEOPLE BAN THE BULGE.

>> HIROSI'S DIET GOGGLES USE A SHAPE ALTERING ALGORITHM MAKE

ITEMS OF FOOD APPEAR LARGER THAN THEY ARE RELATIVE TO THE CONSUMER'S HAND.

A DIGITALLY ENLARGED OREO COOKIE CAN MAKE THE MIND BELIEVE THAT ONE IS ENOUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> YES, GLASSES THAT MAKE YOUR FOOD APPEAR LARGER.

OR JUST PUT THEM ON BACKWARDS TO MAKE YOUR ASS APPEAR SMALLER.

(LAUGHTER).

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SO THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A TIP OF MY HAT TO THESE JAPANESE DIET

GLASSES BECAUSE THEY GET RESULTS!

>> WHEN ASKED TO EAT NORMAL-SIZED COOKIE, HIROSI SAYS TEST SUBJECTS COULD MANAGE UP TO

12 IN ONE SITTING BEFORE FEELING FULL.

WHEN THE COOKIES WERE DIGITALLY ENLARGED ONE AND A HALF TIMES IN A SECOND SITTING THE TEST

SUBJECTS ON AVERAGE REDUCED THEIR INTAKE BY MORE THAN 10%.

>> Stephen: INCREDIBLE!

INSTEAD OF EATING A DOZEN OREO COOKIES IN ONE SITTING THEY ATE JUST 11!

(LAUGHTER) SWIMSUIT SEASON, HERE I COME!

WHO KNOWS?

WITH THE HELP OF THESE DIET GLASSES, ONE DAY INSTEAD OF BEING REMOVED FROM MY HOUSE BY A

FORKLIFT I CAN BE REMOVED FROM MY HOUSE BY A BLOCK AND TACKLE.

(LAUGHTER) BUT THE RESEARCHERS ARE STILL WORKING OUT A FEW KINKS.

>> HIROSI SAYS THE TECHNOLOGY IS FAR FROM PERFECT.

OREOS ARE ONE THING BUT ODD-SHAPED FOODS LIKE BANANAS WILL CONFUSE THE SYSTEM.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S NO BIG DEAL, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO EAT

NOTHING BUT ROUND FOOD.

HAMBURGERS, DOUGHNUTS AND PIZZA.

(LAUGHTER) AND TO REWARD OURSELVES FOR STICKING TO OUR DIET, CAKE.

(LAUGHTER) BUT ONLY 11.

(LAUGHTER) NEXT UP, DESPITE AMERICA'S FINANCIAL WOES ONE SECTOR OF OUR ECONOMY IS BOOMING.

>> A FASCINATING NEW REPORT IN "TIME" MAGAZINE REVEALS THE

UNITED STATES IS THE WORLD'S TOP EXPORTER OF SOMETHING YOU WOULD NOT EXPECT.

>> IT IS SPERM, OF ALL THINGS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) THE U.S. IS, IN FACT, THE GOLD STANDARD OF SPERM.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

AMERICA IS THE GOLD STANDARD OF SPERM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHICH MEANS IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YES, GIVE IT A HAND, IF YOU WILL.

(LAUGHTER) AMERICA'S THE GOLD STANDARD OF SPERM WHICH MEANS IT'S ONLY A

MATTER OF TIME BEFORE RON PAUL TRIES TO PUT US ON THE SPERM STANDARD.

WE CAN KEEP OUR RESERVES IN FORT KNOCKING BOOTS.

SO, FOLKS, I'M GIVING A TIP OF MY HAT TO U.S. SPERM EXPORTS WHICH ARE UP AS MUCH AS 40% IN

THE LAST FIVE YEARS AND IS PREDICTED TO BE A $4.3 BILLION INDUSTRY IN 2013.

ONCE AGAIN, WE'VE BEEN SAVED BY THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKET.

(LAUGHTER) WHICH HAS CLEARLY BEEN VERY BUSY.

(LAUGHTER) BEST OF ALL, FOLKS, THIS IS ONE JOB WE DON'T NEED MEXICANS TO DO FOR US.

UNLESS THAT'S YOUR THING.

(LAUGHTER) SO WHY IS OUR RED, WHITE, AND GOO IN SUCH HIGH DEMAND?

BECAUSE IN MANY COUNTRIES DONORS CAN'T BE PAID OR REMAIN ANONYMOUS WHICH HURTS SUPPLY.

WHEREAS IN AMERICA ANONYMOUS DONORS RECEIVED UP TO $500 DEPENDING ON EDUCATION AND HEIGHT.

SO IF YOU'RE 6' 2 WITH A MASTER'S IN ART HISTORY,

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE FINALLY EMPLOYABLE.

(LAUGHTER) WELL, FOLKS...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I WANT TO DO MY PART TO HELP THE AMERICAN ECONOMY.

THAT'S WHY I'M INTRODUCE AGO NEW LINE OF FORMULA 401, MY PREMIUM MAN SEED.

THIS TIME SPECIALLY FORMULATED FOR THE INTERNATIONAL MARKET.

FOR FRANCE, I AM PUTTING OUT,

FORMULA FOUR-EAU-ONE.

(LAUGHTER) EACH BOX CONTAINS A SUPPLY OF MY THREE-STAR MICHELIN RATED

GOURMET ME-BRIE WHICH I PRODUCED WHILE PRETENDING TO BE TRAPPED INSIDE AN INVISIBLE BOX.

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND FOR SOUTH AMERICA, THERE'S FORMULA 401 EXTRA PICANTE IN

HONOR OF THE LATINO'S BELOVED SPORT OF SOCCER IT TOOK ME A FULL 90 MINUTES AND I NEVER USED

MY HANDS!

(APPLAUSE) FINALLY ON SALE NOW, ASK FOR IT BY NAME.

FINALLY DEALING WITH THE DEATH OF A BELOVED PET CAN BE DIFFICULT, FOLKS.

I REMEMBER LOSING MY PET ROCK IN THE MID-'70s AND HAVING TO BURY HIM OUTSIDE.

TURNS OUT THERE WAS A MASS GRAVE IN OUR OWN BACKYARD.

I THINK THE NEIGHBOR'S KID WAS SOME KIND OF PSYCHO.

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING THE NEXT TIP OF MY HAT TO DUTCH ARTIST BART JANSEN.

AFTER HIS BELOVED CAT ORVILLE WAS HIT BY A CAR, JANSEN WASN'T EMOTIONALLY READY TO BURY HIM

SIX FEET UNDER SO HE OPTED FOR SIX FEET OVER.

JANSEN COLLABORATED WITH A TAXIDERMIST, FITTED ORVILLE WITH ROTORS AND LANDING GEAR TO

CREATE WHAT THE ARTIST CALLS THE ORVILLECOPTER.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) I KNOW IT'S UNUSUAL, BUT JANSEN WAS JUST GOING THROUGH THE FIVE

STAGES OF GRIEF: DENIAL, ANGER,

BARGAINING, TAXIDERMY AND HELICOPTER.

(LAUGHTER) THIS INNOVATION IN BEREAVEMENT TECHNOLOGY WILL MAKE IT SO MUCH

EASIER TO HELP YOUR KIDS ADJUST TO THIS KIND OF LOSS.

NOW YOU CAN JUST SAY "I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS ABOUT PATCHES, BUT

I'VE GOT SOME GREAT NEWS ABOUT THAT DIRT BIKE YOU WANTED!" (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)