Second Presidential Debate Showdown

  • Aired:  10/17/12
  •  | Views: 24,489

President Obama's first debate debacle wins him low expectations, and the second debate turns into a blood sport. (3:38)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> WELCOME TOO THE REPORT, EVERYBODY.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

FOLKS, GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

HEY, HEY, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, EVERYBODY SEE THAT DEBATE LAST NIGHT? BUTN'T THAT GREAT? I MEAN, ROMNEY CLEARLY WON.

AND, FOLKS, I AM NOT JUST SAYING THAT, I AM SAYING THAT ON TV.

SO IF YOU'RE AN UNDECIDED VOTER WHO DID NOT WATCH, JUST TRUST ME, IT IS 2 AND 0.

EVEN THOUGH, EVEN THOUGH, FOLKS, THE NIGHT WAS CLEARLY STACKED AGAINST MITT.

AFTER THAT FIRST DEBATE DEBACLE, BARACK OBAMA HAD DEFINITELY WON THE LOW EXPECTATIONS GAME.

>> FOR OBAMA THE BAR IS RATHER LOW, COMPARED TO THE FIRST DEBATE ALL HE HAS TO DO IS STRING A FEW SENTENCES TOGETHER,

COHERENTLY TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH A SINGLE EXTENTIENT HUMAN AND SHOW THE SLIGHTEST ANIMATION IN HIS FACE.

>> Colbert: CHARLES KRAUT HAMMER IS RIGHT, LOW BAR, OBAMA'S LAST DEBATE PERFORMANCE WAS SO BAD .. THAT BAR WAS SET

AT CHARLES KRAUT HAMMER.

>> NOW, MITT, ON THE OTHER HAND, MITT, MITT ROMNEY, MUCH GREATER CHALLENGE.

>> WE ARE TOLD THAT THEY HAVE PRACTICED TO SUCH A LEVEL OF DETAIL THAT HE EVEN WAS PREPARING HOW HE SITS AND THERE

IS A GOOD REASON FOR THAT.

HE IS GOING TO BE SITTING ON A BAR STOOL AND MITT ROMNEY IS A MORMON, SO HE DOESN'T SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON BAR STOOLS,

ACCORDING TO HIS AIDES, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T DRINK.

>> Colbert: YES.

THAT IS TRUE.

THAT IS TRUE.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

ONLY PEOPLE WHO DRINK KNOW HOW TO SIT ON STOOLS.

THAT'S WHY, WHENEVER YOU SEE SOMEONE SUCCESSFULLY SITTING ON ONE, THAT IS AN EARLY SIGN OF ALCOHOLISM.

SEEK HELP!, PLEASE!

>> THE GUY FALLING OFF THE STOOL, THAT IS YOUR DESIGNATED DRIVER.

AND THAT IS WHY LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I MEAN, IT WAS SUCH A CHALLENGE FOR MITT.

LACK OF STOOL EXPERIENCE.

I MEAN, WHERE WOULD MITT HAVE SEEN ONE? HIS KITCHEN COUNTER? EVERYONE KNOWS THE ROMNEY FAMILY EATS STANDING AT PODIUMS.

BUT ONCE MITT MANAGED TO DOCK HIS BUTT WITH THE INTERNATIONAL STOOL STATION, JUST LIKE THAT, OH, THEN, THEN THE CANDIDATES

TOOK THEIR GLOVES OFF AND EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.

>> FIGHT NIGHT AT HOFSTRA, A HEATED SHOWDOWN.

>> FIGHTING, FIEPS CITY AND FIERCE.

>> LED TO HEAD IN A FIERCE FIGHT.

>> THE DEBATE TURNED INTO A FIGHT ON LONG ISLAND, I LOVED IT.

>> I LOVED IT TOO, YOU CRAVE THE BLOOD SPORTS JUST LOOK AT THEM DEBATE THE PRESIDENT'S COMMITMENT TO OIL EXPLORATION

ON FEDERAL LANDS.

>> HOW MUCH DID YOU CUT DRILLING ON FEDERAL LANDS?

>> I HAD A QUESTION AND THE QUESTION WAS HOW MUCH DID YOU CUT THEM BY? HOW MUCH DID YOU CUT THEM BY?

>> OW!

>> I CANNOT BELIEVE CANDY CROWLEY LET OBAMA WIELD THE FAN BLADED LURPA BUT