Bears & Balls - American Apparel & Chocolatey

Aired:  09/13/10 Views: 37,018

American Apparel is on the brink of bankruptcy, and a British investor earns the nickname "Chocolate Finger" for buying tons of cocoa beans. (6:23)

STILL STUCK IN A RUT.

NOT ONLY, THAT IT'S FOUR MONTHS

BEHIND ON ITS RUT PAYMENT, SO

WHILE YOU STILL HAVE

ELECTRICITY, IT'S UP TO ME TO

HELP YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE

SOME MONEY.

I MAY NOT HAVE MASTERS IN

ECONOMICS, BUT I'VE GOT

SOMETHING BETTER, A GIANT RED

BUTTON.

IT WILL TELL YOU HOW THE MAKE

ENDS MEET.

SELL YOUR CORNEAS.

THIS IS "BEARS AND BALLS."

FIRST UP, FOLKS, I AM A STRONG

BELIEVER IN BUYING AMERICAN-MADE

PRODUCTS.

THAT'S WHY I URGE YOU TO INVEST

IN -- TO CONTINUE IN ENGLISH,

PRESS ONE.

OKAY.

TO CONTINUE IN ESPANOL, NUMERO

DOS.

AMERICAN APPAREL.

YES, THE MOST RED, WHITE AND

BLUE COMPANY EVER STARTED BY A

CA NAIDIAN.

JUST LISTEN TO THIS HORRIBLE

NEWS.

>> LOS ANGELES-BASED AMERICAN

APPAREL IS ON THE BRINK OF

BANKRUPTCY.

THE RETAILER WARNS IT MAY NOT

REMAIN IN BUSINESS.

>> Stephen: WE CANNOT LET THIS

HAPPEN, FOLKS.

THIS IS OUR NATIONAL APPAREL.

THESE ARE THE TANK TOPS AND

HALTER ROMPERS OUR FOUNDING

FATHERS WORE.

AND IF THIS BANKRUPTCY GOES

THROUGH, THE ONLY PLACE YOU'LL

BE ABLE TO BUY SOLID-COLORED

T-SHIRTS IS EVERYWHERE ELSE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IF THEY GO OUT OF BUSINESS,

IT'S AS IF THEY EXPLOITED ALL

THOSE YOUNG GIRLS FOR NOTHING.

WITHOUT THEM... MY GOD.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW CAN THEY GO OUT OF BUSINESS?

I THOUGHT SEX SELLS, AND I

BELIEVE SHE WAS [BLEEPED].

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T UNDERSTAND BUSINESS AT

ALL.

WITHOUT THIS AMERICAN COMPANY,

WE'LL BE FORCED TO BUY CLOTHES

FROM FORD -- FOREIGN COUNTRIES

LIKE MONACO OR ONE OF THE BANANA

REPUBLICS OR THAT AREA BETWEEN

COUNTRIES, THE GAP.

OF COURSE, OF COURSE...

INVESTING IN INDIVIDUAL

COMPANIES IS FINE, BUT IF YOU

REALLY WANT TO GO FOR THE GOLD,

YOU SHOULD SHANGHAI A PIRATE.

NO.

RUPEE A HELP A KAHN.

>>NO.

CORNER A MARKET.

THAT'S RIGHT.

CORNER A MARKET.

NO ONE KNOWS THAT BETTER THAN

LAST LIVING OOMPA-LOOMPA ANTHONY

WARD.

>> ANTHONY WARD BOUGHT 241,000

TONS OF EUROPE'S COCOA BEANS.

THE BEANS COULD FILL FIVE SHIPS

THE SIZE OF THE "TITANIC."

>> Stephen: JUST THINK, IF IT

HIT AN ICEBERG, WHAT A

MOUTH-WATERING TRAGEDY.

AND AS "THE NEW YORK TIMES"

REPORTS, WARD PURCHASES HAVE

EVEN EARNED HIM THE NICKNAME,

"CHOCOLATE FINGER."

HE IS THE MAN, THE MAN WITH THE

CARR MEL CRUNCH.

HE LOVES TO MUNCH.

I CAN ONLY ASSUME HIS SECRETARY

IS NAMED PUSSY S'MORES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ONE MAN

BREAKS OFF A HUGE PIECE OF THE

WORLD'S IT KIT KAT BAR?

>> HE'S REPORTED TO HAVE PUSHED

COCOA PRICES TO A RECORD HIGH.

>> Stephen: OR AS ONE ANALYST

PUT IT, THE MARKET WENT CUCKOO.

BUT THIS IS A GREAT INVESTMENT

OPPORTUNITY, FOLKS.

WHEN PEOPLE CAN NO LONGER AFFORD

CHOCOLATE, THEY'LL REACH FOR

NEXT BEST THING.

REGRETTABLE SEX.

NO.

DIANETICS.

NO.

CHOCOLATY.

YES.

CHOCOLATY.

YOU SEE, COCO IS EXPENSIVE, AND

SINCE THE F.D.A. REQUIRES ANY

PRODUCT CALLED "CHOCOLATE" TO

CONTAIN COCOA, MANY CALL THEIR

PRODUCTS "CHOCOLATY," PLUS IT

SOUNDS MORE APPETIZING THAN

BROWN.

BY THE WAY, DO NOT EAT BROWN

CRISPIES.

THAT'S WHY... THAT'S WHY MY

BUTTON AND I ARE RECOMMENDING

CORNERING THE MARKET ON

CHEMICALS THAT PRODUCE RICH,

CHOCOLATY GOODNESS LIKE

POLYGLOSS NOL, A YELLOWISH

POLY-CONDENSED FATTY ACIDS FROM

CASTOR OIL.

MMMM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MMM, MMM, MMM, MMMM.

JUST LIKE MOM USED TO EMULSIFY.

TAKE MY ADVICE AND SOON EVERYONE

IN THE MEDIA WILL BE CALLING YOU

POLYGLICEROL FINGER.

HE IS THE MAN, THE MAN WITH THE

FATTY ACID TOUCH.

OF COURSE, OF COURSE...

[LAUGHTER]

THE MAN WITH THE FATTY ACID

TOUCH IS A TITLE CURRENTLY HELD

BY KARL ROVE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO THAT'S IT FOR "BEARS AND

BONES."

REMEMBER TO TUNE IN NEXT TIME

WHEN I TELL YOU THE BEST PLACE

TO REINVEST YOUR MONEY.

GUNS.

NO.

I SAID GUNS.

NO.

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