Tip/Wag - Wind Turbines & China

  • Aired:  05/16/13
  •  | Views: 16,799

The Obama administration fails to prosecute wind energy companies for killing eagles, and China launches a Middle East peace proposal. (4:54)

SMELLS.

NOW, NATION--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I HAVE HEARD-- THEY ARE CLAPPING

WITH ANGER!

NATION, I'VE HEARD THAT IF YOU

DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE SAY,

DON'T SAY IT AT ALL.

THE GUY WHO TOLD ME THAT WAS AN

IDIOT.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF

THE FINGER

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FOLKS, I HAVE LONG WARNED YOU

ABOUT THE DANGERS OF AMERICA'S

WILD RUSH FOR WIND POWER, GUSTY

GOLD THE BUBBLIN' BREEZE.

WELL, NOW THAT RUSH HAS CLAIMED

INNOCENT LIVES.

>> IT'S A FEDERAL CRIME TO KILL

THE GOLDEN EAGLE.

GOT THAT.

ABOUT ONCE A MONTH A GOLDEN

EAGLE IT KILLED BY A WINDATURE

BY.

>> Stephen: FOLKS WHEN I SEE

THE MAJESTIC CREATURES

SENSELESSLY CUT DOWN IN THEIR

PRIME ALL I CAN SAY IS IN YOUR

FACE, TREE HUGGERS!

NOW I KNOW WHY YOU'RE UNDER THAT

TREE.

BECAUSE IT'S RAINING DEAD

EAGLES.

IT IS TIME YOU SMUG ECO-NUTS

LEARN THERE IS NO MAGICAL FUEL

SOURCE THAT DOESN'T HAVE CURSED,

MONKEY PAW-LIKE CONSEQUENCES,

EXCEPT, OF COURSE, THE CURSED

MONKEY-POWERED CAR.

IT'S FOOL PROOF-- IF YOU'RE

STUCK IN TRAFFIC, JUST PET THE

PAW AND THE ROADS WILL CLEAR BUT

YOU CAN'T SEE THE ROAD BECAUSE

YOUR GLASS BROKEN AND YOU'LL

NEVER BE ABLE TO READ ALL THOSE

BOOKS!

DAMN YOU!

THAT'S WHY I'M ISSUING A FIRM

WAG OF MY MAN PAW AT WIND

TURBINES, OR AS I NOW CALL THEM,

EAGLE GRINDERS.

( LAUGHTER )

THE WORST PART IS THEY ARE

GETTING AWAY WITH SKY MURDER

BECAUSE WHILE THE OBAMA

ADMINISTRATION HAS PROSECUTED

OIL COMPANIES, WHEN BIRDS DROWN

IN WASTE PITS, AND POWER

COMPANIES WHEN BIRDS ARE

ELECTROCUTED BY POWER LINES,

THEY HAVE NEVER PROSECUTED A

WIND ENERGY COMPANY.

>> AND KNOW WHY.

IF A POLITICIAN SAID I WILL CALL

A HEARING TO BREAK BIG OIL,

EVERYBODY CHEERS.

BUT IF YOU SHOUT, "I WILL BREAK

BIG WIND," THEY JUST LAUGH AT

YOU.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

AND THE WIND LOBBY'S MASSIVE

INFLUENCE LED ONE FORMER U.S.

FISH AND WILDLIFE SERVICE AGENT

TO SAY IF YOU ELECTROCUTE AN

EAGLE, THAT IS BAD.

BUT IF YOU CHOP IT TO PIECES,

THAT IS OKAY.

AND IF YOU DICE IT AND THROW IT

IN A WORK WITH A SOY GINGER

SAUCE, THAT IS HEAVENLY.

NOT THAT I'VE DONE THAT.

AND IF I HAVE, I WORK FOR A WIND

COMPANY.

NEXTUM ON THE T-WAGS, IT'S NO

SECRET THAT CHINA IS EMERGING AS

A SUPERPOWER TO BE RECKONED

WITH.

I MEAN, IF THEIR DEAD PEOPLE CAN

PLAY FOOTBALL AND CONDUCT

ORCHESTRAS, IMAGINE WHAT THEIR

LIVE ONES CAN DO.

AND, FOLKS, A RECENT NEWS STORY

PROVED THAT CHINA'S QUEST FOR

INFLUENCE KNOWS NO BOUNDS.

>> CHINA HAS LAUNCHED A MIDDLE

EAST PEACE PROPOSAL DURING

VISITS FROM THE LEADERS OF

ISRAEL AND THE PALESTINIAN

AUTHORITY IN A SIGN OF BEIJING'S

DESIRE FOR A LARGER ROLE IN THE

MIDDLE EAST, CHINESE LEADER HI

JIN PING LAUNCHED A POWER-POINT

PEACE PROPOSAL CALL FOR AN

INDEPENDENT PALESTINIAN STATE,

ALONGSIDE ISRAEL.

>> Stephen: CHINAMENTS IN ON

MIDDLE EAST PEACEMAKING, AND IT

COULD WORK.

THEY ARE EXPERTS AT GETTING

LONGTIME ENEMIES TO EXIST SIDE

BY SIDE.

JUST LOOK AT BEEF AND BROCCOLI.

( LAUGHTER )

AND THAT IS WHY TONIGHT, I AM

ISSUING A WAG OF MY FINGER AT

CHINA.

LISTEN UP, COMRADES!

BROKERING PEACE IN THE MIDDLE

EAST IS AMERICA'S JOB.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YEAH.

SO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PLANS

ARE, BUT, PLEASE, DON'T TAKE

OVER OUR ROLE AS MIDDLE EAST

PEACEMAKER.

I MEAN, WE LOVE PUTTING OUR

POLITICS AND OUR INTERNATIONAL

REPUTATION RIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE

OF THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF

MISTRUST AND HATRED.

OH!

OH!

AND WE'RE SO CLOSE, TOO.

I MEAN, WE'VE REALLY-- WE'VE

REALLY WARMED UP THAT OLD HOLLY

LAND SLOT MACHINE.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST ABOUT READY TO

PAY OUT IN NOBEL PRIZES.

IF YOU JUMP IN NOW, YOU'LL GET

ALL THE CREDIT, AND-- AND OUR

AFEXATE NICKNAME, THE GREAT

SATAN.

PLUS ALL THE FREE EFFIGIES WILL

YOU CAN BURN.

BUT I GUESS YOU GUYS WIN.

TAKE THE MIDDLE EAST.

WE'LL BE OVER HERE PAINTING

AFGHANISTAN.

IT SURE IS FUN.

( LAUGHTER )

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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