France & The Mali Conflict

  • Aired:  01/24/13
  •  | Views: 32,794

Anti-gay protestors flood Paris, while French President Francoise Hollande pursues Al Qaeda in Mali with sophisticated helicopter gunship. (5:48)

[EAGLE CAW]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN]

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, PLEASE -- WELCOME -- WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN HERE OUT THERE TO TONIGHT'S

INFORMATION UPLINK.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, FOLKS.

FOLKS, WHEN I'M RIGHT, I'M RIGHT.

AND WHEN I'M WRONG, I'M OFTEN RIGHT, TOO.

BUT WHEN I'M WRONG AND I'M WRONG, I'M BIG ENOUGH TO CHANGE MY OPINION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

CASE IN POINT, I'M NO FAN OF THE FRENCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, THEY GAVE US THAT STATUE, BUT IT TURNED GREEN AS SOON AS WE PUT IT UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT A MONEY PIT LOUISIANA'S TURNED OUT TO BE.

JEFFERSON SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A GIFT RECEIPT FOR THAT THING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAVE ALWAYS SEEN THE FRENCH AS TRUFFLE-HUFFING SURRENDER MONKEYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT TURNS OUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY TRUFFLE-HUFFING SURRENDER MONKEYS WITH FAMILY VALUES.

JIM?

>> HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE OPPOSING SAME SEX MARRIAGE RALLIED ON THE STREETS

OF PARIS TODAY.

FRANCE'S PRESIDENT IS PUSHING A PLAN TO LEGALIZE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE AND ADOPTIONS.

♪ ♪ ♪ MAMA MIA ♪

>> Stephen: JUST TO BE CLEAR, IN FRANCE THE PEOPLE WITH THE PINK SIGNS DANCING TO ABBA ARE

THE ANTI-GAY PROTESTERS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN IT COMES TO THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE, IT TURNS OUT THE FRENCH ARE JUST LIKE US!

THEY KNOW THAT IT'S ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND YVES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE FRENCH KNOW THAT GOD ORDAINED MARRIAGE TO BE BETWEEN ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN AND THAT

MAN'S MISTRESS, WHO IS ALSO THE WOMAN'S MISTRESS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT'S VERY TASTEFUL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT'S NOT JUST THEIR OPPOSITION TO GAY MARRIAGE THAT HAS ME FEELING LESS MISERABLES

ABOUT LE FRENCH: IT'S THEIR NEWFOUND COMMITMENT TO THE WAR ON TERROR.

JIM?

>> IN MALI, FRANCE STEPPED UP MILITARY MOVES TO STOP ISLAMIC FIGHTERS TIED TO AL QAEDA.

>> FRANCE THIS WEEK DISPATCHED 2500 TROOPS AND COMMENCED AIR STRIKES.

>> THE U.S. IS VERY PLEASED THAT FRANCE IS DOING THIS, I THINK TO A DEGREE SURPRISED.

>> Stephen: MAIS OUI, TO A DEGREE SURPRISED THE US IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UP UNTIL NOW, THE ONLY THING THAT GOT THE FRENCH ANGRY ENOUGH TO FIGHT WAS SERVING A

BORDELAISE SAUCE WITH FISH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FRANCE IS PUTTING THE HURT TO AL QAEDA IN MALI!

WITH PLANES, TROOPS AND ITS MOST SOPHISTICATED HELICOPTER GUNSHIP WHICH, IN FRANCE, MEANS A

GUNSHIP THAT FIRES MISSILES AT ITSELF IN A DADAIST COMMENTARY ON THE CRUEL FARCE THAT IS WAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS BOLD -- BOLD MILITARY ACTION EVEN SURPRISED THE FRENCH, WHOSE PRESIDENT, FRANCOIS HOLLANDE, IS

PERCEIVED AS SO INDECISIVE AND WEAK, HE'S EARNED THE NICKNAME "FLANBY," AFTER A WOBBLY GELATIN DESSERT.

OH, BURN!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OR AS THE FRENCH SAY, BRULEE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

INTERESTINGLY, ONE OF THE REASONS THAT HOLLANDE IS SO UNPOPULAR IN THE FIRST PLACE IS

THAT HE'S THE ONE PUSHING THE GAY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE.

BUT AS ONE PAPER PUT IT "MALI COULD TRANSFORM HOLLANDE'S POLITICAL IMAGE." THEIR WARS MAKE THEIR LEADERS

LOOK TOUGH, JUST LIKE OURS DO!

[ LAUGHTER ]

FRANCE JUST NEEDS "THEIR" OWN FRANCE TO CALL PUSSIES-- I'M GONNA SAY BELGIUM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

COME ON, BELGIUM.

BUNCH OF CHOCOLATE-SLURPING, MAYONAISE-DIPPING ANTWERPS, WHO NEED TO BRUSSELS SPROUT A PAIR!

[ LAUGHTER ]

FRANCE, THOSE ARE ALL FREE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND IT'S WORKING FOR HOLLANDE WITH HIS MALI INTERVENTION BACKED BY 75% OF THE FRENCH, A

SHOCKING NUMBER, SINCE FRENCH PEOPLE NORMALLY CAN'T AGREE ON ANYTHING.

THAT'S WHY THE SCAFFOLDING FOR THE EIFFEL TOWER'S BEEN UP SO LONG.

THEY CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO BUILD!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL IT IS ABOUT TIME!

ABOUT DAMN TIME THE FRENCH ARE FINALLY JOINING THE WAR ON TERRORMENT THEY'RE GONNA GET IN THERE, KICK

SOME AL QAEDA BUTT, AND GET OUT-- MAYBE SOMEDAY.

>> IF YOU SUBSTITUTE AFGHANISTAN FOR MALI, IT SOUNDS A HECK OF A LOT LIKE THE UNITED STATES'

OBJECTIVE IN AFGHANISTAN.

>> IN NORTH MALI YOU HAVE ISLAMIC EXTREMISTS, YOU HAVE AL QAEDA, YOU HAVE DRUG TRAFFICKERS.

THIS COULD BECOME ANOTHER AFGHANISTAN.

>> THIS COULD BE THE NEXT AFGHANISTAN.

>> Stephen: YES, THE PARALLELS ARE OBVIOUS.

IT'S JUST LIKE AFGHANISTAN, IN THAT I DON'T KNOW WHERE MALI IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS NEXT AFGHANISTAN IS THAT IT WON'T BE OURS!

THE USA IS NOWHERE NEAR THIS THING.

>> THE US NOW TODAY OFFICIALLY INVOLVED IN THE FIGHT BEING WAGED BY FRANCE IN MALI.

>> US CARGO JETS HAVE FLOWN AT LEAST FIVE MISSIONS IN MALI THIS

Loading...