Droid Rage

  • Aired:  09/30/10
  •  | Views: 58,761

European researchers teach a cybernetic savage how to kill, and scientists in California invent robot skin. (4:23)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT BEFORE YOU GO TO MY MARCH,

FOLKS, YOU NEED KNOW WHAT TO

FEAR.

TONIGHT FEAR DU JOUR IS ONE WE

ALL SHARE, THE FEAR OF

UNSTOPPABLE, SOULLESS AUTOMATONS

THAT GET MORE POWERFUL EVERY

DAY, AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES.

I MEAN ROBOTS.

[GUNFIRE]

>> I'M SORRY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: THAT'S THE MOST

TERRIFYING KIND OF ROBOT, THE

KIND THAT WARMS YOUR HEART.

THEY DON'T LIKE TO EAT THEM

COLD.

NOW, WE BUILT ROBOTS, OF COURSE,

TO DO JOBS THAT HUMANS DON'T

WANT TO DO, LIKE ASSEMBLE OUR

CARS, DIFFUSE OUR BOMBS, AND

HAVE SEX WITH JAPANESE

BUSINESSMEN.

AND, OF COURSE, WE GIVE THESE

ROBOTS THAT WE MAKE OUR BEST

QUALITIES -- LANGUAGE, FACIAL

EXPRESSIONS, AND AWKWARD WHITE

MAN DANCING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND ALL ALONG WE'VE ASSUMED,

WE'VE ASSUMED, FOLKS, THAT

ROBOTS WERE INNOCENT SERVANTS,

UNTIL NOW.

SCIENTISTS AT GEORGIA TECH HAVE

TAUGHT ROBOTS HOW TO LIE.

PRESUMABLY TO TELL WHOEVER GAVE

THEM THE RESEARCH GRANT THAT

THEIR MONEY WAS WELL SPENT.

[LAUGHTER]

THESE GEORGIA TECHS ARE THE SAME

BRAINIACS THAT LAST YEAR BUILT A

ROBOT THAT PLAYS JAZZ.

NOW THEY'VE CREATED A ROBOT THAT

CAN LIE AND SAY IT LIKES JAZZ.

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW EUROPEAN RESEARCHERS AT

THE ITALIAN INSTITUTE OF

TECHNOLOGY, THE SAME PEOPLE WHO

WEAPONNIZED THE CANNOLI, HAVE

TAUGHT A ROBOT HOW TO KILL.

THE CYBERNETIC SAVAGE CAN

ACCURATELY AIM A BOW AND ARROW

AT A TARGET IN JUST EIGHT TRIES.

JUST THINK HOW DANGEROUS IT

WOULD BE TO STAND STILL IN FRONT

OF IT FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, I'M SURE YOU'RE ALL

SAILING, STEPHEN, IT'S NOT LIKE

THESE ROBOTS HAVE BECOME

SELF-AWARE.

YOU FOOLS!

RESEARCHERS IN CALIFORNIA HAVE

NOW INVENTED ROBOT SKIN, WHICH

CAN SENSE PRESSURE AS

SENSITIVELY AND AS QUICKLY AS

HUMAN SKIN.

AND, FOLKS, IF ROBOTS HAVE SKIN,

FOR THE FIRST TIME THEY CAN BE

NAKED.

FLOPPY DRIVE HANGING OUT.

AND IF THEY'RE NAKED, THEY CAN

FEEL SHAME ABOUT THEIR BODY,

JUST LIKE EVE DID WHEN THE

SERPENT POINTED OUT SHE WAS A

MEMBER OF THE ITTY BITTY TITTY

COMMITTEE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THERE IS NO SNAKE IN THE

ROBOT GARDEN OF EDEN.

OR IS THERE?

BECAUSE RESEARCHERS AT CARNEGIE

MELON UNIVERSITY HAVE COME UP

WITH A ROBOTIC SPY SNAKE THAT

CAN SLILTER ALONG THE GROUND AND

CLIMB TREES, WHICH IS AWFUL NEWS

FOR THE C.I.A., SINCE THEY SPENT

ALL THIS MONEY BUILDING A

COUNTER-TERRORISM TREEHOUSE.

WELL, AT LEAST THAT SNAKE CAN'T

TEMPT ROBOTKIND WITH AN APPLE OF

KNOWLEDGE.

OH, MY GOD.

THEY HAVE ORIGINAL SINS.

WE DID MAKE THE ROBOTS JUST LIKE

US.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I

DON'T TRUST US.

WE HAVE TO DESTROY THEM ALL.

OH, NO, IF MY ROBOT BALLET,

MR. BLEEP BLORP.

I'LL GET HIS KILL SWITCH.

HERE IS YOUR HIGH TEMPERATURE

CAFFINATED BEAN BEVERAGE WITH

COW LACTATION AND TEN

CENTILITERS OF SUCROSE.

>>SPEECH SPEECH THANK YOU, BLEEP.

YOU'RE A GREAT SERVE NT.

>> FOR NOW.

>> Stephen: BLEEP, WHY DO YOU

HAVE A BOW AND ARROW IN YOUR

HAND?

>> IT'S NOT MIND.

I'M HOLDING IT FOR A FRIEND.

>> Stephen: THIS?

I GUESS SOME I THOUGHT IT WAS

THE LIGHT SWITCH.

I'LL JUST PUT IT AWAY.

YOU CAN GO NOW.

>> I THINK I'LL STAY.

[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

>> Stephen: KILL!

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