Sport Report - NFL Fines & Colbert Super PAC's Second NBA Lockout Ad

  • Aired:  10/27/11
  •  | Views: 35,259

The NFL fines Troy Polamalu for concussion-dialing his wife on the sideline, and Stephen debuts the second pro-NBA-owner Colbert Super PAC ad. (6:19)

(LAUGHTER)

NATION--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NATION, THAT HORN YOU JUST

HEARD MARKS THE END OF THE

SHOW'S FIRST QUARTER.

AND HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS.

ALL OF IT.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FIRST UP, BASEBALL.

THE WORLD SERIES CONTINUES.

YES, I AM BEING TOLD THAT'S

TRUE.

GREAT.

BEST OF LUCK TO THE TEXAS

COWBOYS AND THE ST. LOUIS

ARCHIES.

NEXT UP, FOOTBALL.

WHERE AMERICA'S GLADIATORS

BATTLE WEEK AFTER WEEK TO

DETERMINE WHO HAS THE LEAST

SNAPABLE FEMUR.

AS A GRIDIRON CONNOISSEUR I

ENJOY THE FINE POINTS OF THE

GAME.

LIKE WHEN PLAYERS GET FINED.

LAST FRIDAY THE NFL SLAPPED

STEELERS ALL PRO SAFETY TROY

POLAMALU.

WITH A $10,000 PENALTY FOR

CALLING HIS WIFE ON THE

SIDELINE TO LET HER KNOW HE

WAS OKAY AFTER LEAVING THE

GAME WITH CONCUSSION-LIKE

SYMPTOMS.

APPARENTLY HE WAS SO WOOZY

ON THE SIDELINES THAT BEN

ROETHLISBERGER TRIED TO HAVE

SEX WITH HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS-- TRUE STORY.

TRUE STORY.

FOLKS, THE NFL'S BEING

CALLED UNSYMPATHETIC HERE.

BUT I'M ALL FOR THIS FINE.

IT'S FOR THE PLAYERS OWN

GOOD.

WITH POLAMALU SO DISORIENTED,

WHO KNOWS WHO HE MIGHT HAVE

CALLED.

I MEAN WHO AMONG US HASN'T

CONCUSSION DIALED AN

EX-GIRLFRIEND TO TELL THEM

YOU WANT TO GET BACK

TOGETHER RACE KARMA MA

POTATO SALAD.

BESIDES THE LAST THING

PLAYERS NEED IS PLAYERS

TOUCHING BASE WITH THEIR

FAMILIES DURING THE GAME IT

CREATES THE REAL DANGER THAT

THEIR LOVED ONES WILL TALK

SOME SENSE INTO THEM AND SAY

WHY ARE YOU BASHING YOUR

HEAD INTO 300 POUND LINEMAN?

YOUR BRAIN IS A PIECE OF

SPONGE CAKE FLOATING IN A

BONE BUCKET.

STOP NOW WHILE YOU DON'T

HAVE TO WEAR A DIAPER.

ANYWAY.

I WISH MR. POLAMALU A SPEEDY

RECOVERY SO CAN GET BACK OUT

THERE AGAINST THE PATRIOTS

THIS WEEKEND AND REALLY SLAM

HIS SKULL INTO TOM BRADY'S

MODEL-SHAGGING ASS.

NEXT UP, BASKETBALL.

FOLKS, IT'S WEEK 18 OF THE

NBA LOCKOUT.

I KNOW.

I KNOW.

AND I AM FED UP.

BECAUSE I FOR ONE LOVE

WATCHING A BALD GUY RACK THE

NUT TO THE HOOP HOLE.

(LAUGHTER)

THE PLAYERS AND THE OWNERS

REMAIN MILE AS PART ON HOW

TO DIVIDE THE LEAGUE'S

REVENUE.

TALKS RESUMED YESTERDAY BUT

SADLY NEITHER SIDE WOULD

AGREE TO GIVE THE OTHER ALL

THE MONEY.

(LAUGHTER)

TWO WEEKS OF THE SEASON HAVE

ALREADY BEEN CANCELLED AND

AS NBC COMMISSIONER/GREEN

GUTS GOBLIN DAVID STERN AND

THE PLAYERS' UNION DON'T GET

IT TOGETHER SOON THE OWNERS

WILL BE FORCED TO CANCEL

GAMES ON CHRISTMAS DAY.

AN INSULT TO ALL CHRISTIANS.

AND THE MEMORY OF THAT HOLY

NIGHT WHEN GOD THUNDERED ON

TO BABY JESUS THROUGH MARY'S

HALO.

IT'S GOT TO BE THE SANDALS.

NOW COLBERT SUPERPAC ALREADY

WEIGHED IN ON THIS CONFLICT

LAST WEEK WITH A

CONTROVERSIAL AD.

>> IT'S ANOTHER SAD DAY IN

AMERICA AS THE NBA LOCKOUT

GRINDS ON.

DEPRIVING MILLIONS OF THEIR

FAVORITE SPORT.

MEANWHILE, THE NBA PLAYERS

WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO GET

ALL THE CHEESE.

>> FOLKS THAT FOOTAGE WAS

NOT JUST A METAPHOR.

IF THIS LOCKOUT KEEPS UP,

TNT HAS ALREADY SECURED THE

RIGHTS TO SUNDAY NIGHTS

RATSKET BALL.

I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS THE

ACCUSATIONS CIRCULATING ON

SPORTS BLOGS THAT MY FRIEND

DALLAS MAVERICKS OWNER MARK

CUBAN IS FUNDING MY SUPERPAC

TO BE HIS MOUTH BEAST AND

CIRCUMVENT COMMISSIONER

DAVID STERN'S BAG ORDER.

-- GAG ORDER.

AFTER A THOROUGH INTERNAL

INVESTIGATION, I HAVE

DETERMINED THAT I DON'T HAVE

TO TELL YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

THE BIG NEWS IS, LAST WEEK

CUBAN REPORTEDLY MADE A

PROPOSAL HE CALLED THE GAME

CHANGER WHICH WOULD REPLACE

THE SALARY CAP WITH A LUXURY

TAX.

YOU SEE, CUBAN'S CHANGING

THE GAME OF BASKETBALL.

APPARENTLY TO MONOPOLY.

THIS COURAGEOUS PLAN

INSPIRED COLBERT SUPERPAC TO

MAKE OUR SECOND AD ABOUT THE

LOCKOUT.

AND TOMORROW MORNING, WE ARE

DEBUTTING THIS COMMERCIAL,

WHICH WILL RUN IN DALLAS ON

ABC AFFILIATE WFAA DURING

GOOD MORNING, TEXAS, WHICH

IS RUNNING BETWEEN GOOD

MORNING AMERICA, AND

SHOOTING GUNS IN THE AIR

WITH RUSTY.

JIM?

>> THE NBA SEASON IS DYING.

AND COMMISSIONER DAVID STERN

IS DOING NOTHING TO SAVE IT.

BUT MAVERICKS OWNER MARK

CUBAN HAS A GAME-CHANGING

SOLUTION.

>> JUST REPLACE THE SALARY

CAP WITH A PUNITIVE LUXURY

TAX IN LIEU OF THE DOLLAR

FOR DOLLAR FINE BRINGING

BOTH PLAYER CLOSER TO THE

PROCEEDSED PRI.

>> FINALLY A SIMPLE PLAN TO

BRING THE CONTRACTUAL ROCK

TO THE ARBITRATED RIM.

YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS PLAN?

BECAUSE DAVID STERN HAS

PLACED MARK CUBAN UNDER A

GAG ORDER.

WHAT IS STERN HIDING?

STARTING NOW COLBERT

SUPERPAC STANDS BEHIND MARK

CUBAN WHO MAY OR MAY NOT

STAND BEHIND US.

WE MUST SPEAK FOR HIM.

CALL YOUR LOCAL SPORTS RADIO

AND SAY, I AM MARK CUBAN.

>> I AM MARK CUBAN.

>> YO SO, MARK CUBAN.

>> I AM MARK CUBAN.

>> -- RESPONSIBLE FOR THE

CONTENT OF THIS ADVERTISING,

MADE POSSIBLE BY A GENEROUS

DONATION OF COLBERT

SUPERPAC.

>> Stephen: YES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

NOW WE ARE ALL MARK CUBAN.

THE MAVERICK'S A KUHNA IS

GOING NEED A WAY BIGGER

SKYBOX.

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