Obama's Second Inauguration

  • Aired:  01/21/13
  •  | Views: 881

The President swears in on Lincoln's Bible to ride the popularity of Spielberg's blockbuster, and inaugural guest James Taylor signifies how far America has come as a nation. (7:12)

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY.

[CHOWD CHANTING SEE IT FEN]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO TONIGHT'S SIMULCAST.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOLKS, AS A BROADCASTER, IT'S MY SACRED RESPONSIBILITY TO BRING YOU THE LATEST INFORMATION THAT

I WATCHED ON SOME OTHER CABLE TV NETWORK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT FRANKLY, TODAY THERE WAS NO REAL NEWS TO REPORT.

INSTEAD EVERBODY WAS OBSESSED WITH SOMETHING THEY KEPT CALLING--

>> SECOND INAUGURATION OF BARACK OBAMA.

>> SECOND INAUGURATION.

>> SECOND INAUGURATION.

>> Stephen: WRONG.

CHECK YOUR CONSTITUTION.

>> "PRESIDENT SHALL BE INAUGURATED ON JANUARY 20th.

-4- STEPHEN COLBERT IS RIGHT.

LOVE, THE FOUNDING FATHERS." HE ALREADY TOOK THE OATH YESTERDAY AT THE WHITE HOUSE!

BY TAKING IT AGAIN TODAY, OBAMA HAS MADE HIMSELF A THREE-TERM PRESIDENT SERVING THE SECOND TWO

TERMS CONSECUTIVELY.

NOW TO GET RID OF HIM WE HAVE TO IMPEACH HIM TWICE OH, CLEVER GIRL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND BESIDES, IT'S HIS SECOND INAUGURAL.

WHY THE CELEBRATION?

HE'S ALREADY PRESIDENT.

YOU DON'T SEE THE REST OF AMERICA THROWING A PARTY WHEN THEY CONTINUE TO DO THEIR JOBS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'LL ADMIT, I WAS SWEPT UP FOUR YEARS AGO, I WAS MOVED BY THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT COME ON, A SECOND INAUGURAL IS LIKE PEOPLE WHO RENEW THEIR WEDDING VOWS.

WE GET IT, YOU'RE MARRIED!

I'M NOT BUYING YOU ANOTHER SALAD BOWL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BECAUSE NOTHING, NOTHING WE GIVE OBAMA IS GOING TO BE ENOUGH TO SATISFY THIS MAN'S GREED.

LOOK AT HOW HE SWOAR IN.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA WILL ACTUALLY USE THREE DIFFERENT BIBLES.

ON SUNDAY, FOR THE OFFICIAL SWEARING IN, HE WILL USE THE ROBINSON FAMILY BIBLE.

ON MONDAY FOR THE PUBLIC INAUGURATION, HE WILL USE THE LINCOLN BIBLE AND MARTIN LUTHER

KING, JR.'S, TRAVELING BIBLE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S A FREAKY BIBLE THREE-WAY!

AND IT'S SO TRANSPARENT THAT OLD HOLLYWOOD HUSSEIN OVER HERE, USED LINCOLN'S BIBLE ONLY TO

RIDE THE POPULARITY OF SPIELBERG'S BLOCKBUSTER.

THE SAME REASON BACK IN '92 CLINTON HOPPED ON THE "BASIC INSTINCT" WAGON BY SWEARING IN

ON SHARON STONE'S VAGINA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AN OATH HE KEPT, BY THE WAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DON'T GET ME WRONG THEY PUT ON A GOOD SHOW WITH OUR MONEY.

YOU'VE GOT BEYONCE, KELLY CLARKSON, JAMES TAYLOR.

AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, THIS SHOWS HOW FAR WE'VE COME AS A NATION.

A BLACK GUY WHO LIKES JAMES TAYLOR?

♪ BECAUSE I'VE SEEN FIRE AND I'VE SEEN RAIN ♪ ♪ BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN A BLACK GUY AT YOUR SHOW ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN CAME THE PRESIDENTIAL PRIDE PARADE, WITH EIGHT FLOATS FROM OBAMA AND BIDEN'S HOME STATES

HAWAII, ILLINOIS, PENNSYLVANIA, AND DELAWARE WHICH HONORED DELAWARE BY JUST DRIVING THROUGH

THE PARADE ON ITS WAY TO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND OF COURSE, THIS BEING DEMOCRATS, THERE HAD TO BE A LIBERAL GAY, LATINO POET FROM MAINE.

>> MY FACE, YOUR FACE, MILLIONS OF FACES IN MORNING'S MIRRORS, EACH ONE YAWNING TO LIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: SORRY, I WAS YAWMING TO LIFE.

WOULD IT KILL YOU TO THROW A RHYME IN THERE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S A POEM.

IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN NAME BARACK WHO'S RE-ELECTION CAME AS A SHOCK.

HE RAISED THE TAXES I PAY AND THEN TURNED MARRIAGE GAY.

AND NOW HE'S COMING AFTER YOUR GLOCK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

POET LAUREATE, PLEASE.

NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO DO A CRITICAL DECONSTRUCTION OF OBAMA'S PARTISAN SCREED MASQUERADING AS AN INAUGURAL SPEECH.

NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO CRITICIZE.

I WILL JUST SAY THIS, IT WAS A CLEAR CALL FOR A RADICAL, COLLECTIVIST AGENDA.

LISTEN TO THIS LANGUAGE.

>> WE, THE PEOPLE, STILL BELIEVE THAT ENDURING SECURITY AND LASTING PEACE DO NOT REQUIRE

PERPETUAL WAR.

WE, THE PEOPLE, STILL BELIEVE THAT EVERY CITIZEN DESERVES A BASIC MEASURE OF SECURITY AND DIGNITY.

FOR WE, THE PEOPLE-- WE, THE PEOPLE-- WE-- WE-- WE--

>> Stephen: WE, WE, WE.

ALL THE WAY HOME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS LITTLE PIGGY IS SICK OF IT!

SOCIALIST OVERREACH IS COMING.

BY FEBRUARY WE'LL ALL BE CHAINED UP IN SOLAR-POWERED ASPARAGUS GULAGS BEING FORCE-FED BIRTH

CONTROL PILLS BY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS WHO GAY-MARRY US TO ENDANGERED SEA TURTLES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY ADVICE: FIND A GOOD LOOKING TURTLE-MATE SOON; YOU DON'T WANT TO END UP WITH A BUTTER-BEAK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DAY ONE FOR-- WHAT'S HIS NAME?

DIP CHUTNEY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

HAM HOCKNEY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

ROM COMEDY!

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHATEVER.

REMEMBER ALL THOSE GREAT THINGS HE WAS GOING TO DO ON DAY ONE OF HIS PRESIDENCY?

>> STARTING ON DAY ONE, I AM GOING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GET AMERICA BACK TO WORK.

ON DAY ONE, I WILL LABEL CHINA A CURRENCY MANIPULATOR.

I WILL REPEAL OBAMACARE, AND I'LL STOP IT IN ITS TRACKS ON DAY ONE.

>> Stephen: WHAT COULDA BEEN!

[ LAUGHTER ]

INSTEAD, ON DAY ONE HE WATCHED A "DESIGNING WOMEN" MARATHON, PLAYED FRUIT NINJA ON THE

TOILET, AND DRANK RANCH DRESSING STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

STILL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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