Mr. Smith Goes to the State Legislature - Stacey Campfield

  • Aired:  02/07/13
  •  | Views: 65,665

Tennessee State Senator Stacey Campfield goes after sexuality in schools and the freeloadiest of all American freeloaders. (8:00)

BONUS, I'M LETTING THEM TAKE HOME ALL THE FREE SNOW THEY WANT.

NATION, 2016 WILL BE HERE BEFORE WE KNOW IT.

THAT'S WHY REPUBLICANS NEED TO START SEARCHING FOR THE PERFECT CANDIDATE NOW.

WHO WILL IT BE?

JEB BUSH, HALF OF CHRIS CHRISTIE, OR DO WE TRACK DOWN THAT ZOLTAR MACHINE SO BOBBY

JINDAL CAN MAKE A WISH TO GROW BIG?

[LAUGHTER]

OF COURSE, EXPERIENCE TELLS US THAT THE BEST PLACE TO FIND A WINNING CANDIDATE IS THE STATE SENATE.

JUST TWO YEARS BEFORE BARACK OBAMA ANNOUNCED HIS PRESIDENTIAL RUN, HE WAS A LOWLY STATE SENATOR.

MAKING STATE LEGISLATURES ARE THE FARM TEAMS OF AMERICAN POLITICS, WHICH BRINGS ME TO

ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF OUR SOMETIMES-RUNNING SERIES: "MR.

SMITH GOES TO THE STATE LEGISLATURE, THEN LATER, POSSIBLY WASHINGTON."

[LAUGHTER]

FIRST UP, TONIGHT TENNESSEE STATE SENATOR AND LOST WEASLEY BROTHER, STACEY CAMPFIELD.

[LAUGHTER]

I FIRST NOTICED CAMPFIELD WHEN HE DEMONSTRATED HIS KNOWLEDGE OF IMMUNOLOGY BY DECLARING THAT

AIDS WAS CAUSED BY ONE GUY SCREWING A MONKEY, IF I RECALL CORRECTLY, AND THEN HAVING SEX

WITH MEN.

IT WAS AN AIRLINE PILOT IF I RECALL.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES, AND IF I RECALL, IT WAS SHORTLY AFTER THAT THAT AIRLINES STOPPED SERVING FREE COCKTAILS

TO MONKEYS IN FIRST CLASS.

PILOTS COULDN'T RESIST.

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE LONG-ADMIRED CAMPFIELD'S HEROIC WORK PROTECTING OUR STUDENTS' MORALS WITH HIS "DON'T

SAY GAY" BILL-- WHICH PROPOSED BANNING TEACHERS FROM DISCUSSING HOMOSEXUALITY IN SCHOOL.

YES, IF YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT SOMETHING, IT GOES AWAY.

FOR INSTANCE, SARAH PALIN.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE WE MISS YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

SADLY, THE "DON'T SAY GAY" BILL WAS DEFEATED LAST SPRING.

BUT CAMPFIELD IS BACK WITH SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW.

>> TENNESSEE STATE SENATOR STACEY CAMPFIELD HAS FILED THE "CLASSROOM PROTECTION ACT".

IT WOULD REQUIRE COUNSELORS TO REPORT STUDENTS' CONVERSATIONS ABOUT SEXUALITY TO PARENTS.

>> STATE SENATOR STACEY CAMPFIELD SAYS IT'S RIDICULOUS TO SAY WE SHOULD SHIELD PARENTS

ABOUT THE INFORMATION ABOUT THEIR KIDS' HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVITY.

>> Stephepn SEE?

TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

IT'S GONE FROM "DON'T SAY GAY" TO "GA-AY!"

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NO EVIDENCE.

NOW, I'M SURE THEY'LL WORK OUT SOME SYSTEM TO INFORM PARENTS OF THEIR CHILD'S HOMOSEXUALITY.

MAYBE THE REPORT CARD.

"LOOK MOM, I GOT THREE B'S AND A GAY PLUS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND TEACHERS WILL HAVE A FOOLPROOF WAY TO DETERMINE A STUDENT'S SEXUAL PREFERENCE.

IF ANY OF THE OTHER STUDENTS CALL HIM A GAYWAD OR GAYBO.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE THOSE AREN'T TERMS CHILDREN THROW AROUND CASUALLY.

THEY ARE BASED ON HARD EVIDENCE ONLY, LIKE SOMEONE HAVING THE WRONG COLOR BACKPACK OR BEING

THE NEW KID.

[LAUGHTER]

NATURALLY, THIS IDEA ISN'T TOO POPULAR WITH THE SAME-SEX HUGGERS OUT THERE.

CAMPFIELD'S HAD SOME ANGRY EMAIL EXCHANGES WITH HIS CONSTITUENTS.

WHICH HE ADDRESSED ON THE LEAST GAY OF ALL NEWS PROGRAMS: TMZ.

[LAUGHTER]

JIM?

>> WHAT ABOUT THE RESPONSE TO THE, AH, CONSTITUENT?

>> YEAH, THAT PERSON IS A WELL-KNOW HOMOSEXUAL ADVOCATE AND THE BIGGEST BULLIES OUT

THERE ARE REALLY-- IS REALLY THE HOMOSEXUAL COMMUNITY.

STEVE.

OH, YEAH IT'S WELL KNOWN.

HOMOSEXUALS ARE NOTORIOUS BULLIES.

MANY OF THEM SPEND THEIR TEENAGE YEARS MERCILESSLY RAMMING THEIR FACES INTO THE FOOTBALL TEAM'S FISTS.

[LAUGHTER]

THE IMPORTANT THING IS THIS ISN'T ABOUT OSTRACIZING GAY STUDENTS INTO A LIFE OF LONELINESS.

IT'S ALL ABOUT EDUCATION.

WE'RE TEACHING CHILDREN, ISOLATED BY THEIR IDENTITY, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO ADULT THEY

CAN TRUST.

[LAUGHTER]

NEXT UP ON THE M-S-G-T-T-S-L-T-L-P-W'S.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, I'M SICK OF MOOCHERS WHO GET PAID TO SIT AROUND ALL DAY.

AND SO ARE THESE EXPERTS WHO ARE PAID TO SIT AROUND ALL DAY AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THE MOOCHERS.

>> MORE AND MORE ABLE-BODIED PEOPLE ARE BECOMING DEPENDENT UPON THE GOVERNMENT THAN UPON

THEMSELVES FOR THEIR LIVELIHOODS.

>> IN '91, INDIVIDUALS IN 41 MILLION AMERICAN HOUSEHOLDS WERE RECEIVING SOME KIND OF ENTITLEMENT.

NOW THE NUMBER IS AN ASTOUNDING 107 MILLION AMERICANS, AN INCREASE OF 161%.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

>> THE COUNTRY HAS BECOME DEPENDENT, MORE PEOPLE RECEIVING THE BENEFITS OF GOVERNMENT THAT

THERE IS A LOT MORE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SUCK ON THE TEAT OF THE STATE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: TRUE.

EVEN WORSE, IT FORCES US TO HEAR CHARLES KRAUTHAMMER SAY "SUCK ON THE TEAT."

[GAGGING]

[LAUGHTER]

[GAGGING]

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, THANKFULLY ANOTHER GOP STATE SENATOR SLASH POTENTIAL PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL HAS A BOLD

SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM.

AND SURPRISE: IT'S STACEY CAMPFIELD!

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN, HE HAS SET HIS SIGHTS ON THE FREELOADIEST OF ALL AMERICA'S FREELOADERS: CHILDREN.

>> A TENNESSEE STATE SENATOR WANTS TO CUT WELFARE FUNDING FOR PARENTS WHOSE CHILDREN PERFORM

POORLY IN SCHOOL.

>> LISTEN, IF YOUR KID IS FAILING EVERY SINGLE CLASS BECAUSE WHO KNOWS WHAT REASON,

WE'RE GONNA STOP OR CUTBACK ON THE AMOUNT OF STRAIGHT CASH PAYMENTS.

IF YOU WANT TO TALK MOTIVATION, NOTHING MOTIVATES LIKE CASH.

>> Stephen: AND NOBODY KNOWS THAT BETTER THAN A POLITICIAN.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, AND THESE WELFARE KIDS ARE ROLLING IN IT.

DID YOU KNOW THAT IN TENNESSEE, THE MAXIMUM BENEFIT FOR A MOTHER WITH TWO CHILDREN IS $185 A MONTH?

AND FEBRUARY ONLY HAS 28 DAYS!

CHA-CHING!

[LAUGHTER]

SOMEBODY'S TURNING SOME SWEET COIN ON BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO LOVES CAMPFIELD'S IDEA.

OVER ON FOX AND FRIENDS, THE BROWN HAIRED GUY WHO'S NOT STEVE DOOCY WISHES THIS PLAN HAD BEEN

IN PLACE WHEN HE WAS IN SCHOOL.

>> REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IN KINDERGARDEN, I USED TO FAKE ILLNESS CAUSE I COULDN'T

RECOGNIZE MY NAME.

I HAD TO HANG UP MY COAT IN MY CUBBY HOLE WITH MY NAME ON IT, BUT SINCE I COULDN'T RECOGNIZE

MY NAME I JUST KEPT FAKING ILLNESS.

IF MY PARENTS HAD BEEN CRACKED DOWN ON AND MONEY HAD BEEN TAKEN FROM THEM THEY WOULD HAVE

FIGURED OUT THE REAL REASON I WAS FAKING.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: SADLY TO THIS DAY, HE STILL DOESN'T RECOGNIZE HIS NAME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HE SIGNS HIS CHECKS WITH A CARTOON PENIS.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I SAY, BRAVO, STATE SENATOR-- OR SHOULD I SAY FUTURE PRESIDENT-- CAMPFIELD.

THERE NO WAY YOUR EDUCATIONAL IDEAS CAN FAIL.

AND IF THEY DO, WE'LL TAKE AWAY YOUR GOVERNMENT