Ignoring Global Warming

  • Aired:  09/26/11
  •  | Views: 27,357

In the face of all the mounting evidence for climate change, America has stood with one voice and boldly proclaimed, "Eh." (4:04)

THANKS SO MUCH. WELL THAT IS IT FOR THE REPORT. TUNE IN TOMORROW NIGHT WHERE MY GUEST WILL BE

ROCKER MELINDA GATES --

>> STEPHEN?

>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT, JIMMY?

>> WE'VE GOT ANOTHER 30 MINUTES TO DO.

>> Stephen: CAN'T WE JUST MAKE THIS THE HALF-HOUR RERUN?

>> YEAH, LATER. BUT

FIRST WE HAVE THE MAKE THE FULL

HOUR AND THEN CUT IT DOWN.

>> Stephen: WHATEVER.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET THEIR

[BLEEPED] IN A PILE.

I'M STUCK OUT HERE FOR ANOTHER HALF HOUR WITH MY [BLEEPED] IN MY HAND?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.

SPEAKING OF NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO, GLOBAL WARMING.

NOW, RADIONATION, I KNOW GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL, FOLKS.

I HAVE BELIEVED THAT EVER SINCE THE BOX OFFICE SUCCESS OF AL GORE'S MOVIE.

THE MARKET HAS SPOKEN.

THE SAME REASON I BELIEVE THERE ARE TRANSFORMERS ON THE MOON.

I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE COOKS WHO THINKS THAT TRANSFORMERS LUNAR LANDING WAS FAKE ON A SOUND STAGE.

AND THE EVIDENCE FOR GLOBAL WARMING IS MOUNTING.

THE EUROPEAN COMMISSION REPORTED THIS WEEK THAT SINCE 1990 GLOBAL EMISSIONS OF CARBON DIOXIDE

JUMPED 40% WITH MARGIN OF ERROR OF PLUS OR MINUS ALL POLAR BEARS, AND THE UNITED STATES

EMITS MORE CO2 PER CAPITA THAN THE EUROPEAN UNION AND CHINA COMBINED.

JUST THINK WHAT THOSE EMISSIONS NUMBERS WOULD BE IF AMERICA STILL MADE ANYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT NOW IT'S ALL COMING FROM HOBO FIRES AND VIN DIESEL MOVIES.

[APPLAUSE]

AND THE EVIDENCE, THE EVIDENCE OF CLIMATE CHANGE IS ALL AROUND US.

THIS YEAR TEXAS HAD THE HOTTEST SUMMER ON RECORD OF ANY STATE EVER.

IT WAS SO HOT THAT RICK PERRY EXECUTED PRISONERS BY PUTTING THEM ON THE DASHBOARD OF A BLACK

1985 BUICK SKYLARK.

IN THE FACE OF ALL THIS MOUNTING EVIDENCE, AMERICA HAS STOOD WITH ONE VOICE AND BOLDLY PROCLAIMED, EH.

IN 2007, 46% OF AMERICANS SAID THAT ENVIRONMENTAL PROBLEMS WERE VERY SERIOUS AND SHOULD BE A

PRIORITY FOR EVERYONE COMPARED TO ONLY 33% NOW.

SINCE THE ECONOMIC COLLAPSE, FEWER AND FEWER PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT.

WHICH IS SURPRISING SINCE MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE LIVING IN IT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

>> WE'RE ADDICTED TO DRIVING CARS.

>> WE'RE ADDICTED TO CHEAP GAS.

>> WE HAVE A HEROIN-LIKE ADDICTION TO IMPORTED OIL.

>> Stephen: YES, WE ARE ADDICTED, AND ASK ANYBODY IN ADDICTION RECOVERY, YOU'VE GOT

TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM BEFORE YOU CAN ASK FOR HELP.

THAT'S WHY I AM CONSTANTLY HELPING OUT JUNKIES BY GIVING THEM HEROIN.

AND THEY THANK ME.

BY GIVING ME MONEY.

BUT, FOLKS, AMERICA HAS NOT HIT BOTTOM YET.

THE RESULTS OF GLOBAL WARMING SIMPLY AREN'T BAD ENOUGH TO FEEL.

NO MATTER HOW HOT ENOUGH IT IS OUTSIDE, MY AIR CONDITIONER STILL PUMPS OUR COOL AIR,

ESPECIALLY NOW THAT THE DIAL HAS MELTED IN THE ON POSITION, BUT ONE DAY OUR ENVIRONMENT WILL GET

BAD ENOUGH THAT WE'LL WANT TO ACT ON IT.

MAYBE WHEN FLORIDA SINKS UNDERWATER.

THEN WE'LL TAKE ACTION, PERHAPS BY GIVING NANA WATER WINGS AND A CAN OF SHARK REPELLENT.

UNFORTUNATELY SOME PEOPLE, LIKE

MY GUESTS TONIGHT, THE RADIOHEADS

ARE DELAYING OUR MOMENT OF CLARITY BY TRYING TO SHRINK THEIR CARBON FINGERPRINT.

THEY'VE REDUCED THEIR EMISSIONS DURING TOURS BY SHIPPING THEIR EQUIP VIA TRUCKS AND VOTES

INSTEAD OF JETS AND USE ENERGY EFFICIENT BULBS IN THEIR LIGHT SHOW.

ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT A MINUTE.

THE BULB NEEDS TIME TO WARM UP.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]