CDC Zombie Apocalypse Statement

  • Aired:  06/05/12
  •  | Views: 31,421

Zombie-like attacks suggest a growing urban trend, but America's top emergency doctors declare that zombies do not exist. (4:13)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) (CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU FOR THAT OVATION.

JUST FROM THE SOUND OF THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU COULD DO IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER) WELCOME TO THE "REPORT," THANK YOU FOR JOINING US IN HERE; OUT THERE.

NATION, ALL EYES ARE ON WISCONSIN TONIGHT AND THE HOTLY CONTESTED RECALL ELECTION

DECIDING THE FATE OF REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR AND LIVING FIFTH GRADE SCHOOL PHOTO SCOTT WALKER.

NOW, WE TAPED THIS SHOW EARLIER IN THE EVENING AND THE RESULTS AREN'T IN YET.

I'M TIVOING IT SO NO ONE TELL ME HOW UNIONS END.

WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THAT STORY TOMORROW BUT, FIRST, FOLKS, YOU KNOW THAT I DO NOT FLINCH AT UNPLEASANTNESS.

WHEN THE DOCTOR TELLS ME TO TURN MY HEAD AND COUGH, I REFUSE.

(LAUGHTER) INSTEAD, I GAZE DEEPLY INTO HIS COBALT BLUE EYES AS HE CUPS MY SCROTUM.

(LAUGHTER) BUT EVEN I HAVE BEEN WILLFULLY IGNORING A TERRIFYING TREND DOMINATING THE NEWS.

>> THE COLLEGE STUDENT TELLSLY HE KILLED A HOUSEMATE AND ATE

PART OF THE VICTIM'S HEART AND BRAIN.

>> MIAMI POLICE SAY ONE HOMELESS MAN ATTACKED ANOTHER ON A BUSY HIGHWAY IN BROAD DAYLIGHT AND

CHEWED THE GUY'S FACE OFF.

>> TONIGHT AN INTERNATIONAL MANHUNT FAR PORN STAR ACCUSED OF SENDING BODY PARTS TO MEMBERS OF GOVERNMENT.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

>> IS A ZOMBIE LIKE ATTACK PART OF A GROWING TREND IN AMERICAN CITIES?

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

CANNIBALISM IS THE HOT NEW TREND.

AND YOU THOUGHT SAGGY PANTS WERE ANNOYING.

AND, FOLKS, THERE IS A TERRIFYING NEW NAME FOR THIS HORROR.

>> IS ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.

>> THE POSSIBILITY OF A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.

>> APOCALIPSIS DE LOS ZOMBIES.

>> Stephen: APOCALIPSIS DE LOS ZOMBIES!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT,

FOLKS.

THEY'RE UNDEAD AND AFTER OUR JOBS!

(LAUGHTER) SO TO TRY TO CALM EVERYONE DOWN THIS WEEK, THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL ISSUED THIS

ACTUAL STATEMENT.

>> THE NATION'S TOP EMERGENCY DOCTORS DECLARING THERE IS NO ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.

>> THIS IS A DIRECT QUOTE FROM THE C.D.C.

IT SAYS "THE C.D.C. DOES NOT KNOW OF A VIRUS OR CONDITION THAT WOULD REANIMATE THE DEAD."

(LAUGHTER) WITH ZOMBIE LIKE SYMPTOMS.

THE C.D.C. IS REASSURING PEOPLE,

LOOK, THERE ARE NO SUCH THING AS ZOMBIES BUT THEY DID ISSUE A STATEMENT WHICH...

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: YES.

IT DOES MAKE ONE WONDER.

AFTER ALL, SOMETHING HAS CLEARLY EATEN TRACE GALLAGHER'S BRAIN.

(LAUGHTER) BAUDS, FOLKS, EVERYONE KNOWS ZOMBIES DON'T EXIST.

OR DO THEY?

(LAUGHTER) SEE, PROTEST THOUGH THEY MAY,

JUST LAST YEAR THE C.D.C. ISSUED A VERY DIFFERENT REPORT.

>> BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.

THAT'S WHAT THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL HAS TO SAY ABOUT BEING PREPARED FOR A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.

>> IT STARTED WITH A SIMPLE BLOG POST ON THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE

CONTROL AND PREVENTION WEB SITE FILED UNDER "PUBLIC HEALTH MATTERS."

THE TITLE: "PREPAREDNESS 101: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE."

>> Stephen: SURE, BACK THEN THEY SAID IT WAS A TONGUE IN CHEEK CAMPAIGN, BUT WHOSE TONGUE

IN WHOSE CHEEK?

(LAUGHTER) COULD IT BE THAT THE C.D.C.

CHANGED THEIR TUNE BECAUSE NOW THEY'RE ZOMBIES?

(LAUGHTER) I MEAN, IT MAKES SENSE, THE ZOMBIES WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO SAOEUPBTS.

I MEAN, THEY'RE INTELLECTUAL ELITES.

ALL THEY

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