Geese Witherspoon

  • Aired:  09/07/10
  •  | Views: 112,105

Stephen consults his prophetic goose, Geese Witherspoon, to find out if he should hold his own rally. (7:33)

THAT I WAS OFF THE AIR.

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT."

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

IN HERE, OUT THERE, IT IS GREAT

TO BE BACK.

HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD BREAK.

MINE WAS SOMETHING OF A MIXED

BAG.

LAST WEEKEND I HAD HOPED THAT

HONOR WOULD BE RESTORED TO

AMERICA, BUT INSTEAD THEY FIVE

THE EMMY TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

STEWAAAAAART!

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

DON'T WORRY, FOLKS, WE'LL WIN IT

NEXT YEAR WHEN I CHANGE THE NAME

OF MY SHOW TO "THE COL -

BREAKING BAD MAD-TEMPLE

GRAND-MEN GLEE-BERT RE-MODERN

FAMILY-PORT".

WITH JON STEWART.

SO UNFORTUNATELY THERE WAS NO

HONOR IN TINSELTOWN, BUT 3,000

MILES AWAY IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,

HONOR WAS RESTORED AT GLENN

BECK'S THREE-HOUR-LONG RESTORING

HONOR RALLY.

A THREE-HOUR RALLY.

STILL LESS STRENUOUS THAN HIS

NORMAL SATURDAY ROUTINE,

WATCHING "YO GABBA GABBA" FOR

NAZI SYMBOLISM.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, NO ONE IS EXACTLY SURE HOW

MANY PEOPLE WERE AT GLENN'S

RALLY.

THE ONLY SCIENTIFIC ESTIMATE PUT

THE CROWD AT 87, 000, BUT THAT'S

A SCIENTIFIC ESTIMATE, AND I

DON'T THINK MANY PEOPLE AT THAT

RALLY WERE INTERESTED IN

SCIENCE.

[LAUGHTER]

BESIDES, THERE ARE MORE

ACCURATE, GUT-BASED NUMBERS

AVAILABLE.

>> HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF

THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO TRAVELED

THERE FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

>> WHAT YOU SAW WAS A MINIMUM OF

500,000 PEOPLE.

>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO LET

ANYBODY GET AWAY WITH TELLING US

THERE WERE FEWER THAN A MILLION

PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: MAN, I WOULD HATE

TO BE THERE WHEN MICHELLE FINDS

OUT THAT GLENN SAID ONLY

500,000.

THE POINT IS IT FELT LIKE A

MILLION, RIGHT?

LET'S HAVE A QUICK SHOW OF HANDS

IN THE AUDIENCE.

WHO AGREES WITH ME?

OKAY, SO THAT'S ONE, TWO, THREE,

57,000 PEOPLE AGREE WITH ME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GIVE OR TAKE.

ISH.

52,000 PEOPLE.

SO HOW CAN 87,000 SUDDENLY

BECOME A MILLION AND MULTIPLY

LIKE LOAVES AND FISHES?

WHAT'S THE SECRET, GLENN?

THE SECRET IS GOD.

GOD GAVE GLENN A SHOUT-OUT.

>> I WANT TO SHOW YOU FIRST THAT

MIRACLE THAT HAPPENED AT 9:59.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS THERE WAS A

FLOCK OF GEESE THAT RAN.

IT WAS A FLYOVER, IF YOU WILL.

HERE'S THE FLYOVER.

[APPLAUSE]

THIS IS HAPPENING JUST AS THE

OPENING MUSIC WAS STARTING.

IT WAS PERFECT COORDINATION AND

PERFECT TIMING.

COINCIDENCE?

MAYBE.

I THINK IT WAS GOD'S FLYOVER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: GOD'S FLYOVER

FOLLOWED BY A 21-GUN SALUTE WHEN

THEY REALIZED THOSE WERE

CANADIAN GEESE FLYING OVER OUR

BORDER.

NO IT WAS A TRUE MIRACLE, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF A INCOME OF

GEESE TAKING FLIGHT AT THE EXACT

MOMENT THAT TENS OF THOUSANDS OF

PEOPLE START CLAPPING THEIR

HANDS?

LAFTD LAUGHTER

AND SPEAKING OF TENS OF

THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, I HAVE BEEN

INFORMED THERE IS A MOVEMENT

AFOOT ON THE INTERNET TO GET ME

TO HOLD MY OWN RALLY.

IT WAS STARTED...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I KNOW.

I KNOW.

I KNOW.

IT WAS STARTED MONDAY ON REDDIT,

AND THAT LED TO 100,000 STRONG

FOR COLBERT ON FACEBOOK AND A

NEW PETITION WEB SITE

COLBERTRALLY.COM.

AND AS OF TODAY, 12:30, I BECAME

THE NUMBER-ONE SEARCH IN THE

WORLD ON GOOGLE.

EAT IT, VENUS WILLIAMS U.S. OPEN

OUTFIT AND ROSH HASHANAH.

IF THAT EVEN IS A WORD.

ROSH HASHANAH.

IT SOUNDS LIKE MILEY CYRUS'

JEWISH ALTEREGO.

[LAUGHTER]

HI, ALISON.

HI, ALISON.

OKAY.

NATION, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I

HEAR YOU AND I GET IT.

OKAY.

BUT YOU'RE PETITIONING THE WRONG

PERSON.

GLENN PROVED THAT ONLY GOD

DECIDES RALLIES.

[LAUGHTER]

SO TO GET A GOOD GANDER ON THIS

GATHERING, I WOULD NEED MY OWN

GOD GEESE TO TELL ME TO HOLD A

RALLY.

[SESAME STREET MUSIC PLAYING]

HEY, THAT'S THE BACK DOORBELL.

I WONDER WHO IS THERE.

THAT HAPPENS SO RARELY.

OH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NEW

HI.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S MY

PROPHETIC GOOSE, GEESE

WITHERSPOON.

SORRY ABOUT YOUR BREAK UP WITH

FLYIN' PHILLIPE AND DRAKE

GULL-ENHALLS.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, GEESE,

SHOULD I HAVE A RALLY?

[LAUGHTER]

HUH.

NOTHING.

WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD ASK THIS

GREY GOOSE.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NEW

WHAT'S THAT?

WELL, I THINK YOU'RE CUTE, TOO.

WHAT?

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.

SO SHOULD I HAVE A RALLY?

WHAT?

WHAT?

STAY HOME AND DRINK ALL DAY?

I THINK YOU'VE HAD A LITTLE BIT

TOO MUCH.

YOU WANT TO?

NO?

ALL RIGHT.

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME OTHER

GREY GOOSE I COULD CHECK IN ON.

>> BEGINNING OF THE PROGRAM I

SAID I WAS GOING TO HAVE AN

ANNOUNCEMENT.

AN ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT AN EVENT.

SO LET ME ANNOUNCE.

I JON STEWART AM ANNOUNCING THAT

I WILL HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT SOME

TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

IN THE NEAR TO NOT SO NEAR

FUTURE.

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY TOO

MUCH, BUT LET ME SAY THIS, THE

ANNOUNCEMENT THAT I MAKE MAY BE

THE MOST IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

IN HUMAN HISTORY.

>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

JON STEWART MADE AN ANNOUNCEMENT

THAT HE MAY IN THE FUTURE MAKE

AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.

WELL,LY NOT BE OUT-ANNOUNCED.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE AN

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

TONIGHT I AM OFFICIALLY

ANNOUNCING THAT IF JON STEWART

MAKES AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT,

I WILL MAKE AN EVEN MORE

IMPORTANT COUNTER-ANNOUNCEMENT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES.

OH, YES.

AN ANNOUNCEMENT THAT WILL CHANGE

HISTORY COMPLETELY.

IN FACT, HISTORY WILL NO LONGER

BE HISTORY.

HISTORY WILL NOW BE BIOLOGY.

BIOLOGY WILL BE SPANISH CLASS.

SPANISH CLASS WILL BE MUSIC

CLASS, AND MUSIC CLASS WILL BE

ELIMINATED DUE TO BUDGET

CUTBACKS.

AND NATION, MY IMPORTANT

ANNOUNCEMENT WILL BE ANNOUNCED

ON A DATE TO BE ANNOUNCED.

AND WHATEVER I'M ANNOUNCING, IT

WILL BE