THAT I WAS OFF THE AIR.
WELCOME TO "THE REPORT."
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
IN HERE, OUT THERE, IT IS GREAT
TO BE BACK.
HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD BREAK.
MINE WAS SOMETHING OF A MIXED
BAG.
LAST WEEKEND I HAD HOPED THAT
HONOR WOULD BE RESTORED TO
AMERICA, BUT INSTEAD THEY FIVE
THE EMMY TO "THE DAILY SHOW."
STEWAAAAAART!
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
DON'T WORRY, FOLKS, WE'LL WIN IT
NEXT YEAR WHEN I CHANGE THE NAME
OF MY SHOW TO "THE COL -
BREAKING BAD MAD-TEMPLE
GRAND-MEN GLEE-BERT RE-MODERN
FAMILY-PORT".
WITH JON STEWART.
SO UNFORTUNATELY THERE WAS NO
HONOR IN TINSELTOWN, BUT 3,000
MILES AWAY IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,
HONOR WAS RESTORED AT GLENN
BECK'S THREE-HOUR-LONG RESTORING
HONOR RALLY.
A THREE-HOUR RALLY.
STILL LESS STRENUOUS THAN HIS
NORMAL SATURDAY ROUTINE,
WATCHING "YO GABBA GABBA" FOR
NAZI SYMBOLISM.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, NO ONE IS EXACTLY SURE HOW
MANY PEOPLE WERE AT GLENN'S
RALLY.
THE ONLY SCIENTIFIC ESTIMATE PUT
THE CROWD AT 87, 000, BUT THAT'S
A SCIENTIFIC ESTIMATE, AND I
DON'T THINK MANY PEOPLE AT THAT
RALLY WERE INTERESTED IN
SCIENCE.
[LAUGHTER]
BESIDES, THERE ARE MORE
ACCURATE, GUT-BASED NUMBERS
AVAILABLE.
>> HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO TRAVELED
THERE FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
>> WHAT YOU SAW WAS A MINIMUM OF
500,000 PEOPLE.
>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO LET
ANYBODY GET AWAY WITH TELLING US
THERE WERE FEWER THAN A MILLION
PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: MAN, I WOULD HATE
TO BE THERE WHEN MICHELLE FINDS
OUT THAT GLENN SAID ONLY
500,000.
THE POINT IS IT FELT LIKE A
MILLION, RIGHT?
LET'S HAVE A QUICK SHOW OF HANDS
IN THE AUDIENCE.
WHO AGREES WITH ME?
OKAY, SO THAT'S ONE, TWO, THREE,
57,000 PEOPLE AGREE WITH ME.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GIVE OR TAKE.
ISH.
52,000 PEOPLE.
SO HOW CAN 87,000 SUDDENLY
BECOME A MILLION AND MULTIPLY
LIKE LOAVES AND FISHES?
WHAT'S THE SECRET, GLENN?
THE SECRET IS GOD.
GOD GAVE GLENN A SHOUT-OUT.
>> I WANT TO SHOW YOU FIRST THAT
MIRACLE THAT HAPPENED AT 9:59.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS THERE WAS A
FLOCK OF GEESE THAT RAN.
IT WAS A FLYOVER, IF YOU WILL.
HERE'S THE FLYOVER.
[APPLAUSE]
THIS IS HAPPENING JUST AS THE
OPENING MUSIC WAS STARTING.
IT WAS PERFECT COORDINATION AND
PERFECT TIMING.
COINCIDENCE?
MAYBE.
I THINK IT WAS GOD'S FLYOVER.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Stephen: GOD'S FLYOVER
FOLLOWED BY A 21-GUN SALUTE WHEN
THEY REALIZED THOSE WERE
CANADIAN GEESE FLYING OVER OUR
BORDER.
NO IT WAS A TRUE MIRACLE, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF A INCOME OF
GEESE TAKING FLIGHT AT THE EXACT
MOMENT THAT TENS OF THOUSANDS OF
PEOPLE START CLAPPING THEIR
HANDS?
LAFTD LAUGHTER
AND SPEAKING OF TENS OF
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, I HAVE BEEN
INFORMED THERE IS A MOVEMENT
AFOOT ON THE INTERNET TO GET ME
TO HOLD MY OWN RALLY.
IT WAS STARTED...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I KNOW.
I KNOW.
I KNOW.
IT WAS STARTED MONDAY ON REDDIT,
AND THAT LED TO 100,000 STRONG
FOR COLBERT ON FACEBOOK AND A
NEW PETITION WEB SITE
COLBERTRALLY.COM.
AND AS OF TODAY, 12:30, I BECAME
THE NUMBER-ONE SEARCH IN THE
WORLD ON GOOGLE.
EAT IT, VENUS WILLIAMS U.S. OPEN
OUTFIT AND ROSH HASHANAH.
IF THAT EVEN IS A WORD.
ROSH HASHANAH.
IT SOUNDS LIKE MILEY CYRUS'
JEWISH ALTEREGO.
[LAUGHTER]
HI, ALISON.
HI, ALISON.
OKAY.
NATION, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I
HEAR YOU AND I GET IT.
OKAY.
BUT YOU'RE PETITIONING THE WRONG
PERSON.
GLENN PROVED THAT ONLY GOD
DECIDES RALLIES.
[LAUGHTER]
SO TO GET A GOOD GANDER ON THIS
GATHERING, I WOULD NEED MY OWN
GOD GEESE TO TELL ME TO HOLD A
RALLY.
[SESAME STREET MUSIC PLAYING]
HEY, THAT'S THE BACK DOORBELL.
I WONDER WHO IS THERE.
THAT HAPPENS SO RARELY.
OH!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW
HI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S MY
PROPHETIC GOOSE, GEESE
WITHERSPOON.
SORRY ABOUT YOUR BREAK UP WITH
FLYIN' PHILLIPE AND DRAKE
GULL-ENHALLS.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, GEESE,
SHOULD I HAVE A RALLY?
[LAUGHTER]
HUH.
NOTHING.
WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD ASK THIS
GREY GOOSE.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, I THINK YOU'RE CUTE, TOO.
WHAT?
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
SO SHOULD I HAVE A RALLY?
WHAT?
WHAT?
STAY HOME AND DRINK ALL DAY?
I THINK YOU'VE HAD A LITTLE BIT
TOO MUCH.
YOU WANT TO?
NO?
ALL RIGHT.
IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME OTHER
GREY GOOSE I COULD CHECK IN ON.
>> BEGINNING OF THE PROGRAM I
SAID I WAS GOING TO HAVE AN
ANNOUNCEMENT.
AN ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT AN EVENT.
SO LET ME ANNOUNCE.
I JON STEWART AM ANNOUNCING THAT
I WILL HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT SOME
TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
IN THE NEAR TO NOT SO NEAR
FUTURE.
I DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY TOO
MUCH, BUT LET ME SAY THIS, THE
ANNOUNCEMENT THAT I MAKE MAY BE
THE MOST IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
IN HUMAN HISTORY.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
JON STEWART MADE AN ANNOUNCEMENT
THAT HE MAY IN THE FUTURE MAKE
AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
WELL,LY NOT BE OUT-ANNOUNCED.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE AN
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
TONIGHT I AM OFFICIALLY
ANNOUNCING THAT IF JON STEWART
MAKES AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT,
I WILL MAKE AN EVEN MORE
IMPORTANT COUNTER-ANNOUNCEMENT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YES.
OH, YES.
AN ANNOUNCEMENT THAT WILL CHANGE
HISTORY COMPLETELY.
IN FACT, HISTORY WILL NO LONGER
BE HISTORY.
HISTORY WILL NOW BE BIOLOGY.
BIOLOGY WILL BE SPANISH CLASS.
SPANISH CLASS WILL BE MUSIC
CLASS, AND MUSIC CLASS WILL BE
ELIMINATED DUE TO BUDGET
CUTBACKS.
AND NATION, MY IMPORTANT
ANNOUNCEMENT WILL BE ANNOUNCED
ON A DATE TO BE ANNOUNCED.
AND WHATEVER I'M ANNOUNCING, IT
WILL BE