Charleston to Bermuda Yacht Race

  • Aired:  05/31/11
  •  | Views: 34,908

Stephen sails seven days on the heaving breast of cruel Poseidon in the 2011 Charleston to Bermuda Yacht Race. (2:59)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN]

AHOY, LAND LUBBERS.

WELCOME TO THE REPORRRRRRT!

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YE FER JOINING US.

FORGIVE MY GRIZZLED VISAGE AND

HOLLOW, HAUNTED EYES, FOR I HAVE

JUST SAILED SEVEN DAYS ON THE

HEAVING BREAST OF CRUEL POISEDON

IN THE 2011

CHARRRRLESTON-TO-BERMUDA YACHT

RACE!

THERE I BE AT THE HELM.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I KNOW WHAT LIES BEYOND THE

HORIZON'S SALTY VEIL.

THE BUFFETING WINDS, RAVENOUS

WHALES AS LONG AS TWELVE STOUT

MEN LAID HEAD TO HEEL.

DON'T ASK ME HOW I KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

LUCKILY, BEFORE I SET SAIL, I

STEELED MYSELF AGAINST THE

OCEAN'S HORRID MAW BY WATCHING

ALMOST ALL OF "BOAT TRIP."

[LAUGHTER]

FEW HAVE SURVIVED ITS OUTLANDISH

PREMISE.

HOW CAN THEY NOT KNOW THEY'RE ON

A GAY CRUISE?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THE FILTH, THE EXHAUSTION,

AND FILTH WAS ALL WORTH IT,

BECAUSE.

WE WON THE RACE!

THE RACE TO CoMPSECOND PLACE.

HERE'S THE TRADITIONAL SECOND

PLACE CLOCK.

IF YOU LISTEN CLOSELY YOU CAN

HEAR THE HOURS I'LL NEVER GET

BACK SPENT ON THAT FILTHY BOAT.

[LAUGHTER]

THOSE OF YOU WHO FOLLOWED THE

RACE ONLINE, KNOW HOW CLOSE THE

FINISH WAS.

YOU ALSO KNOW THAT THE WEB

TRACKER MADE OUR BOATS LOOK LIKE

SPERM RACING TO FERTILIZE

BERMUDA.

[LAUGHTER]

BEFORE I LEFT, I SAID THAT I WAS

THE GREATEST SAILOR IN THE

WORLD.

SO IT'S WITH GREAT HUMILITY THAT

I MUST NOW ADMIT THAT I AM

MERELY THE SECOND GREATEST

SAILOR IN THE WORLD.

[LAUGHTER]

I WANT TO THANK MY CREW TIM,

BERTIE AND CHRIS, AND ALL OF US

ON TEAM AUDI WANT TO

CONGRATULATE THE WINNER

HANK HOFFORD.

CONGRATULATIONS, HANK.

I WILL MAKE IT MY LIFE'S MISSION

TO HUNT YOU DOWN TILL DEATH OR

MADNESS TAKE ME.

YOU ARE NOW MY WHITE WHALE.

FUDGIE, YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]