Stephen Hawking Is Such an A-Hole - Time Travel

  • Aired:  05/04/10
  •  | Views: 40,643

Stephen "Hef on Wheels" Hawking wouldn't go back in time to kill Hitler or save Jesus -- he'd tag Marilyn Monroe in her prime. (3:30)

EVERYBODY.

NATION, AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE A LONG-RUNNING BEEF WITH ASTROPHYSICIST... WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

JIMMY, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

[LAUGHTER]

>> HEY, I THOUGHT -- SAW YOU HAD A WASHING MACHINE DOWN HERE.

I THOUGHT I'D DO A LED OF WHITES.

GOT A QUARTER?

>> Stephen: GO AWAY!

>> WOW, WHAT A DICK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: AS I WAS SAYING, I HAVE A LONG-RUNNING BEEF WITH ASTROPHYSICIST STEPHEN HAWKING.

HE'S CONSTANTLY PUBLISHING SMUT.

I MEAN, THE BIG BANG AND BLACK HOLE?

CLEAN IT UP, SICKO.

ESPECIALLY THAT CHAPTER WHERE YOU WORK IN A RED DWARF.

SO NOW IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF MY INFINITELY EXPANDING SERIES: STEPHEN

HAWKING IS SUCH AN A-HOLE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, IN AN ALARMING NEW ARTICLE FOR THE THE DAILY MAIL ONLINE, STEPHEN HAWKING

DISCUSSES HOW TO BUILD A TIME MACHINE.

YOU NEED A WORM HOLE, A HADRON COLLIDER OR A ROCKETED ET THAT GOES REALLY, REALLY FAST.

WAY TO GIVE THE RECIPE AWAY,

JEAN JAUSS.

ANYBODY WHO HAS THAT STUFF LYING AROUND THE GARAGE WILL SCREW WITH THE PAST AND RELIVE IN A

NIGHT MARE FUTURE WHERE FRUIT COMES IN A ROLLABLE FORM.

WHAT?

YOU MADMAN.

BUT WHAT REALLY UPGRADES STEPHEN HAWKING FROM A BOMB HOLE TO AN A-HOLE IS THAT IN THIS SAME

ARTICLE HE SAYS, "IF I HAD A TIME MACHINE, I'D VISIT MARILYN

MONROE IN HER PRIME OR DROP IN ON GALILEO."

[LAUGHTER]

NICE TO SEE YOU HAVE YOUR TIME TRAVEL PRIORITIES STRAIGHT,

MR. HAWKING.

LET'S SEE IF I GOT THIS ONE RIGHT.

YOU DON'T GO BACK IN TIME TO KILL HITLER OR SAVE JESUS.

NO.

YOU GO BACK IN TIME TO TAG MARILYN MONROE IN HER PRIME.

[LAUGHTER]

FIRST OF ALL, WHEN SHE WAS NOT PRIME?

WAS IT THIS?

THIS?

THIS?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

IS THIS UP TO YOUR STANDARDS,

HEF ON WHEELS?

[APPLAUSE]

THEN AFTER YOU'VE SQUIRMED THROUGH YOUR WORM HOLD AND MADE A CHUCKHOLE OUT OF JOE DIMAGGIO,

DO YOU WARN MARILYN TO STAY OFF DRUG TO, STEER CLEAR OF THE KENNEDY BOYS?

NO.

YOU FLY OFF TO THE 16th CENTURY TO BRAG TO YOUR NERD PAL GALILEO.

HEY, GUESS WHAT, I JUST TAGGED THIS.

OH, AND BY THE WAY, THIS IS CALLED PHOTOGRAPHY, OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?

SO IN SUMMATION, IN SUMMATION,

FOR GOING BACK IN TIME NOT TO PREVENT THE DONNER PARTY FROM'DING THEIR CHILDREN OR BABY

JESSICA FROM FALLING IN A WELK OR MY MIME FROM THROWING OUT MY MINT CONDITION LUKE SKY WHACKER

SOAP AND SHAMPOO SET, STEPHEN HAWKING IS SUCH"||||

Loading...