Countdown to Loving Mitt

  • Aired:  02/29/12
  •  | Views: 45,117

Mitt Romney wins his home state of Michigan by a whopping 3.2%, causing Republicans to be even more Mittbivalent. (3:31)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE

"REPORT"!

(CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN")

THAT'S GOOD STUFF.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I CAN TELL EVEN FROM THIS

DISTANCE THAT THAT STUFF IS PURE

AND UNCUT.

(LAUGHTER)

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US, FOLKS,

NATION TWO BIG G.O.P. PRIMARIES

LAST NIGHT.

MICHIGAN, THE WOLVERINE STATE

AND ARIZONA THE "HEY, BROWN GUY,

PULL OVER" STATE.

IT WAS REALLY BIG WINS FOR

ROMNEY.

I MEAN, TAKING HIS HOME STATE OF

MICHIGAN BY A WHOPPING 3.2%.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW TO THOSE LOOKING FOR A

CHAMPION TO DEFEAT OBAMA, THAT

SEEMS A LITTLE WEAK BUT MITT

REALLY CHARGED US UP.

>> WE DIDN'T REALLY WIN BY A LOT

BUT WE WON BY ENOUGH.

>> Stephen: YES!

THERE'S YOUR BATTLE CRY.

ROMNEY, 2012.

ENOUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

GOD, I'M SO SCARED.

SHAKE IT OFF!

OKAY, OKAY.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THROUGHOUT

WHO IS A LITTLE MITT-BIVALENT.

CONSERVE 2 +*EU6 COLUMNIST IN

ERICK ERICK ZORN WHO WROTE "IF

REPUBLICANS ARE NOT PANIC AND

TRYING DESPERATELY TO PULL BOBBY

JINDAL IN INTO THE RACE

TOMORROW, THE PARTY LEADERS MUST

HAVE A DEATH WISH."

YES!

THAT'S THE TICKET.

WE CAN STOP OBAMA WITH JINDAL'S

ELECTRIFYING STAR POWER.

JIMMY, HIT ME WITH SOME JINDAL

JUICE.

>> AS A CHILD I REMEMBER GOING

TO THE GROCERY STORE WITH MY

DAD.

>> Stephen: YES!

GET BOBBY JINDAL OUT THERE.

IF HE'S NOT 35 YET, GET HIM A

FAKE I.D., WE'RE DESPERATE.

SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, RUBIO,

CHRISTIE, THAT LADY WHO'S NOT A

WITCH!

HOW ABOUT CUATO?

AT THIS POINT HE'S MORE

APPEALING TO WOMEN THAN

SANTORUM.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, I MEAN IT!

THIS IS CRUNCH TIME.

IF ROMNEY PERFORMS WELL NEXT

SUPERTUESDAY THEN WE

CONSERVATIVES KNOW OUR DUTY.

>> AT THE END OF THE DAY, MOST

REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO GET

BEHIND ROMNEY.

>> I THINK IF IT ENDS UP BEING

MITT ROMNEY, REPUBLICANS, AS

THEY ALWAYS DO, WILL COME

TOGETHER AND SUPPORT HIM.

>> I BELIEVE WE AND WE'LL UNITE

BEHIND MITT ROMNEY.

YES.

>> Stephen: ONE WEEK FROM NOW

WE WILL MOST LIKELY COME

TOGETHER AND SUPPORT THE GUY

WE'RE HOPING IS NOT THE GUY.

(LAUGHTER)

JIMMY?

START THE COUNTDOWN TO LOVING

MITT CLOCK.

WE NOW HAVE... HAVE...

(APPLAUSE).

WE NOW HAVE SIX DAYS, 23 HOURS

AND 59 MINUTES TO FIND A

REPLACEMENT FOR THIS ROBOTIC

PLUTOCRAT WHO COULDN'T HOLD THE

ATTENTION OF CATS WITH A CAN OF

TUNA.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT AFTER SUPERTUESDAY WHEN THIS

CLOCK RUNS OUT ON, LET'S SAY,

"SUCK IT UP WEDNESDAY" WE

CONSERVATIVES WILL DUTIFULLY

LOVE MITT ROMNEY'S WHOLE GRAIN

LIGHTLY TOASTED VISION FOR A

FIBROUS AND REGULAR AMERICA.