Countdown to Loving Mitt - Super Tuesday Results

  • Aired:  03/07/12
  •  | Views: 25,502

Now that Super Tuesday results are in, Stephen prepares to finally realize his long-standing love and support for Mitt Romney. (4:27)

SPEAKING OF NOT REALLY BEING THERE, MITT ROMNEY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LAST NIGHT... LAST NIGHT WAS SUPER TUESDAY, A TEN-STATE G.O.P. PRIMARY ORGY, A BIG,

SWEATY PILE OF LEVER-YANKING REPUBLICAN VOTERS, AND LIKE MOST ORGY, IT INVOLVES A BUNCH OF

MIDDLE-AGED GUYS WHO ARE NOT APPEALING TO WOMEN.

NOW, I WILL SAY, IT IS IMPRESSIVE THAT AT HIS AGE AND WEIGHT NEWT GINGRICH IS STILL

ABLE TO MAINTAIN AN E.

-- ELECTION.

THANK YOU, MICHAEL.

GOOD MAN.

NOW, LAST WEEK IN PREPARATION FOR SUPER TUESDAY, I STARTED COUNTING DOWN TO THE MOMENT THAT

I MUST FINALLY ACCEPT ROMNEY'SEN EVIDENTABILITY AND REALIZE MY LONG-STANDING LOVE AND SUPPORT

FOR THIS MAN ONCE THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE.

SO LET'S SEE HOW MUCH TIME IS LEFT.

JIM, BRING UP THE COUNTDOWN TO LOVING MITT CLOCK.

OH, NO.

TWO MINUTES 45 SECONDS.

REALLY?

AREN'T I SUPPOSED TO GET LAST MEAL FIRST?

I'M SCARED.

PULL IT TOGETHER, COLBERT.

GROW UP.

EVERYBODY HAS TO COMPROMISE,

EXCEPT ANYONE IN CONGRESS.

OKAY.

OKAY.

I MEAN, HOW HARD CAN IT BE?

I TRAINED MYSELF TO LIKE OLIVES.

SO, JIM, I KNOW ROMNEY WON SIX STATES LAST NIGHT, JUST PLAY THE PUNDITS TELLING ME HE'S THE

INEVITABLE NOMINEE.

>> NO KNOCK-OUT BLOW FOR MITT ROMNEY ON SUPER TUESDAY IN OHIO OR ELSEWHERE.

>> RICK SANTORUM WILL HAVE A LOT OF MOMENTUM TONIGHT WITH THREE WINS.

>> MITT ROMNEY NOT WAKING UP THE CLEAR FRONT-RUNNER.

RICK SANTORUM PROVING THIS IS STILL A TWO-I GO RACE.

>> RICK SANTORUM MANAGED TO SLIP THE PUNCH.

HE SLIPPED THE KNOCK-OUT PUNCH.

>> Stephen: WAIT!

IT'S NOT OVER.

RICK SANTORUM SLIPPED THE KNOCK-OUT PUNCH.

KNOCK-OUT PUNCH, BY THE WAY, IS WHAT RUSH LIMBAUGH SLIPS HIS DATES.

THE POINT IS...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

ROMNEY DID NOT CLOSE THE DEAL LAST NIGHT.

I'VE GOT MORE TIME, OH, GOD, I HAVE TO STOP THE CLOCK BEFORE IT GOES OFF.

OKAY.

I'VE SEEN THIS BEFOREMENT I HAVE TO CUT ONE OF THE WIRES.

OKAY.

OKAY.

BUT WHICH ONE.

DO I CUT THE WHITE WIRE, THE OFF-WHITE WIRE OR THE BEIGE WIRE.

GOD, I DON'T KNOW.

I CAN'T DECIDE.

FOR SOME REASON NONE OF THESE WIRES ARE EXCITING ME.

IF ONLY ONE OF THESE WIRES APPEALED TO LATINOS.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE GOES NOTHING.

[BLEEPED]

OKAY.

LET ME TWIST THESE BACK TOGETHER.

TWIST THESE BACK TOGETHER.

OKAY.

WAIT A SECOND.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

I'LL JUST HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

YES.

YES.

OKAY.

FOUR MORE DAYS.

OKAY.

THAT...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S... THAT PUTS OFF MY ACCEPTING MITT UNTIL SATURDAY'S PRIMARIES IN WYOMING, GUAM AND

THE VIRGIN ISLANDS.

THE BIG THREE.

REMEMBER, NO REPUBLICAN HAS EVER BECOME PRESIDENT WITHOUT CARRYING THE VIRGIN ISLANDS.

JUST LIKE IN DEMOCRAT HAS EVER WON WITHOUT CARRYING THE SLUT PENINSULA.

AND, IF SANTORUM AND GINGRICH KEEP THIS UP, THIS COULD COME DOWN TO AN OPEN CONVENTION,

FOLKSMENT THEN ANYONE COULD GET THE NOMINATION, AND I MEAN ANYONE.

>> IF WE WIND UP WITH AN OPEN CONVENTION AND SOMEONE WANTS TO

PLACE YOUR NAME, THROW YOUR NAME INTO THE HAT, WOULD YOU STOP THEM?

WOULD YOU BE OPEN TO THAT?

>> AS I SAY, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, AND I DON'T... I DON'T

CLOSE ANY DOORS THAT PERHAPS WOULD BE OPEN OUT THERE, SO, NO,

I WOULDN'T CLOSE THAT DOOR.

>> Stephen: YES, SARAH PALIN WOULD NEVER CLOSE A DOOR BECAUSE THERE MIGHT BE A CAMERA BEHIND IT.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE IT'S NOT ROMNEY.

IT COULD BE GOVERNOR PALIN OR CHRIS CHRISTIE OR THAT BABY SLOTH IN PAJAMAS THAT'S BEEN

LYING UP THE INTERNET, OR THE iPAD 3.

I KNOW I'D LOVE TO HAVE HIM ON THE SHOW.

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