ThreatDown - Moo Shu Man-Milk, Centenarians & Robo-Slackers

  • Aired:  06/20/11
  •  | Views: 24,163

Chinese cows produce human breast milk, America's population of 100-year-olds doubles, and scientists build a robot that can juggle. (5:05)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WAIT ABOUT TEN MINUTES BECAUSE WE HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO FIRST.

NATION F YOU ARE PARANOID LET ME REASSURE YOU.

EVERYBODY IS NOT OUT TO GET YOU.

IT'S ONLY ONE GUY AND IT'S NOT WHO YOU THINK.

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN.

FOLKS I'M GOING TO GO ON RECORD.

I'M NO FAN OF WORLD HUNGER.

I GET IT, I'M FAT, STOP RUBBING IT IN.

THE POINT IS WE ALL WANT TO FEED THE WORLD.

BUT NOW THE CHINESE ARE TAKING IT TOO FAR.

>> IT ISN'T THE QUIET-- THESE HAVE ALL BEEN MODIFIED, AND THIS IS HUMAN BREAST MILK.

THE CHINESE SCIENTISTS RESPONSIBLE SUCCESSFULLY INSERTED THE HUMAN BREAST MIBLING GENE INTO A COW

EMBRYO AND THEN IMPLANTED IT INTO A SURROGATE.

>> WITH GOVERNMENT APPROVAL IT COULD BE ON SUPERMARKET SHELVES WITHIN THREE YEARS.

>> CHINA IS EMBRACING GENETIC MODIFICATION AND SAYS IT HAS A DUTY TO FIND

WAYS TO FEED PEOPLE.

FEED PEOPLE?

AFTER THAT WHO COULD EAT?

WHICH BRINS ME TO THREAT NUMBER THREE.

MOO SHOO MAN MILK.

WHAT OTHER HUMAN FOOD COMBOES ARE THEY GOING TO TRY NEXT.

GENETICALLY MODIFYING THE ELDERLY TO LAY EGGS?

SCIENCE, STOP TRYING TO REVERSE THE FORMAL ORDER OF THINGS.

WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO DRINK HUMAN MILK.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DRINK THE EMULSION OF FAT GLOBULES SECRETED FROM DOMESTICATED

CATTLE HOOKED UP TO AN INDUSTRIAL INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH VACUUM AND FORCED TO LACTATE NONSTOP.

HAMM.

MAN, MY TASTE BUDS ARE LACTATING NONSTOP.

EVEN WORSE, THIS TRANSSPECIES ISLAND OF DR. MOO-REAO CROSSES HUMAN MAMARIES WITH COW MAM AREES.

HOW LONG BEFORE OUR PINNUP GIRLS GO FROM THIS TO THIS.

(LAUGHTER) NEXT UP, HELLO.

NEXT UP, FOLKS, I DON'T TRUST CHILDREN.

THEY'RE HERE TO REPLACE US.

NICE TRY, KIDS.

BUT YOU'LL INHERIT OUR POSSESSIONS OVER OUR DEAD BODIES.

BUT EVIDENTLY I'VE BEEN FEARING THE WRONG DEMOGRAPHIC.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER TWO.

CENTENARIANS.

THE LATEST CENSUS REVEALS THAT AMERICA'S POPULATION OF 100-YEAR-OLDS HAS ROUGHLY

DOUBLED IN THE PAST 20 YEARS.

POPULATION ROUGHLY DOUBLED.

THAT CAN MEAN ONLY ONE THING.

THEY'RE BREEDING.

ROUGHLY.

WORSE.

THE CENSUS BUREAU PREDICTS THE NUMBER OF 100-YEAR-OLDS WILL AT LEAST DOUBLE AGAIN BY 2020.

HOW CAN THE "TODAY SHOW" POSSIBLY KEEP UP WITH ALL THOSE BIRTHDAYS?

SO I HAVE TO BROADCAST A FIFTH HOUR JUST FOR WILLARD SCOTT.

WE'LL RUN OUT OF SMUCKERS.

CLEARLY THERE IS ONLY ONE SOLUTION.

WE MUST LIFT THE BAN ON HUNTING THE ELDERLY.

HEAR ME OUT, HEAR ME OUT.

THEIR NUMBERS ARE OUT OF CONTROL AND IT IS NOT JUST FOR SPORT.

LIKE NATIVE AMERICANS, I USE EVERY PART OF THE PEE PAW.

I BELIEVE IF YOU EAT THE HEART YOU ABSORB THEIR SENIOR DISCOUNT.

FINALLY, FOLKS, MACHINES ARE TAKING OVER MORE AND MORE OF OUR LIVES.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ON MY TELEPROMPTER.

WELL NOW SCIENTISTS IN PRAGUE HAVE BUILT AND PROGRAMMED A ROBOT THAT CAN JUGGLE FIVE BALLS.

THEY HAVE FINALLY DEVELOPED A ROBOT SO LAME THAT EVEN THE JAPANESE WILL HAVE SEX WITH IT.

WHICH BRINGS US TO THE NUMBER ONE THREAT TO AMERICA,

ROBO SLACKERS.

THEY ALREADY TOOK OUR FACTORY JOBS.

NOW THEY'RE AFTER OUR STONER BURNOUT JOBS.

IF JUGGLERS ARE REPLACED BY ROBOTS RENAISSANCE FAIR WORKERS WILL BE UNEMPLOYABLE.

OKAY, THAT'S A BAD EXAMPLE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING, FOLKS.

ROBOTS HAVE ALREADY MASTERED HACKIE SACK, CUP AND BALL,

AND THE SITAR.

AND A ROBOT WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF PLAYING NORWEGIAN WOOD.

AND FOLKS, THE ABILITY TO JUGGLE ISN'T EVEN THE MOST TROUBLING FEATURE HERE.

WE ARE LOOKING AT THE FIRST ROBOT THAT CAN DISAPPOINT ITS PARENTS IT WAS BUILT TO

PERFORM NEUROSURGERY BUT THIS IS WHAT IT DID WITH ITS LIFE BECAUSE IT'S HAPPIER THAT WAY?

CRUSHING OUR PARENT'S HOPES AND DREAMS WITH THE ONE THING HUMANITY STILL HAS LEFT.

THERE'S NOTHING INNATELY HUMAN ANY MORE EXCEPT MAYBE DITCHING YOUR MASTER'S

PROGRAM TO LAUNCH A FAILED SINGING CAREER.

GREAT, NOW THEY'VE

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