Colbert Super PAC - Rick Perry for President

  • Aired:  08/08/11
  •  | Views: 68,940

Stephen already licked the Rick Perry for President donut, so all the other Super PAC bitches better back off. (6:01)

(LAUGHTER) PUTTING MAYONNAISE ON OUR FRENCH FRIES WITH A SERIOUS HOBBIT INFESTATION.

AND WHO, WHO ARE THE S&P TO DOWNGRADE US?

THESE ARE THE SAME GENIUSES WHO OVERESTIMATED OUR DEFICIT BY $2 TRILLION.

PLUS THEY DIDN'T EVEN LIST AMERICA'S MOST VALUABLE ASSET, JESUS.

(LAUGHTER) IT SAYS RIGHT ON OUR MONEY,

IN GOD WE TRUST.

IF THE LORD CAN TURN WATER INTO WINE, SURELY HE CAN TURN OUR DEBT INTO WINE.

WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO NEED A DRINK.

(LAUGHTER) BUT WHEN STANDARD & POORS DID THEIR MATH THEY FORGOT TO CARRY THE CHRIST.

THAT'S WHY PERSONALLY, FOLKS,

I LOVED THE RESPONSE.

TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY'S COMPLETELY NOT POLITICAL PRAYER EVENT HELD ON SATURDAY IN

HOUSTON'S RELIANT STADIUM TO ASK GOD TO FIX AMERICA.

>> WE SEE DISCORD AT HOME.

WE SEE FEAR IN THE MARKETPLACE.

AND FOR THAT WE CRY OUT FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS.

>> Stephen: YES, WE NEED GOD'S FORGIVENESS-- OR AT LEAST CHINA'S.

(LAUGHTER) AND IT WAS A HUGE SUCCESS.

30,000 CHRISTIANS SHOWED UP,

INSTANTLY MAKING PERRY A POTENTIAL REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE A NATIONAL FIGURE IN EVANGELICAL POLITICS.

AND IT COMES JUST ONE WEEK BEFORE THE REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL IN AMES, IOWA.

THE STRAW POLL IS A SIX-HOUR FESTIVAL OF FOOD, BEER, AND NONBINDING PREELECTORAL PROCESS

THAT HAS NO CONNECTION TO THE IOWA CAUCUS.

WHOEVER WINS THE STRAW POLL WILL HAVE A MASSIVE SYMBOLIC VICTORY THAT WILL PROPEL THEM TO THE

WHITE HOUSE.

JUST ASK PAST WINNERS: PRESIDENT PAT ROBERTSON, PRESIDENT BOB DOLE, AND PRESIDENT PHIL GRAMM.

NOW, RICK PERRY IS NOT OFFICIALLY LISTED ON THE STRAW POLL, BECAUSE HE'S NOT DECLARED

HIS CANDIDACY YET.

BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ITS HISTORY, THE AMES POLL IS ALLOWING WRITE-INS.

THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR PERRY,

FOLKS.

AND GREAT NEWS FOR HIS WRITE-IN OPPONENTS SARAH PALIN, BUDDY ROEMER, AND LONGSHOT FEMALE ARAB

CANDIDATE MUNCH MAGUCHI.

(LAUGHTER) NOW IF PERRY REALLY WANTS TO BE A PLAYER, HE NEEDS A SUPERPAC

BEHIND HIM, AS THE POLITICOS' TENACIOUS KEN VOGEL TWEETED,

DON'T BE SURPRISED IF ALL MAJOR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES GET A BIG DONOR-BACKED SUPERPAC BEHIND THEM.

AND KENNY'S RIGHT.

FOR RON PAUL THERE IS REVOLUTION PAC.

FOR MITT ROMNEY THERE IS RESTORE OUR FUTURE PAC.

AND TIM PAWLENTY JUST RECEIVED A VALUE PAC.

SO I'M NOT SURE THAT 10% OFF DRY CLEANING IS ENOUGH TO SECURE THE NOMINATION.

AND PERRY ALREADY HAS SEVEN GROUPS COMPETING TO BE THE RICK PERRY SUPERPAC, INCLUDING

AMERICANS FOR RICK PERRY SUPERPAC.

GROW PAC SUPERPAC AND JOBS FOR IOWA SUPERPAC, WHICH RECENTLY RAN THIS AD.

>> WHAT IF WE HAD A CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT WITH A REAL RECORD OF CREATING JOBS?

THE LEADER OF A STATE THAT CREATED MORE JOBS IN THE PAST TWO YEARS THAN THE OTHER 49

STATES COMBINED?

WHAT IF WE HAD A BETTER OPTION FOR PRESIDENT?

WE DO.

RICK PERRY.

JOBS FOR IOWA'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONTENT OF THIS ADVERTISING.

>> Stephen: WOW, RICK PERRY CLEARLY HAS EVERYTHING IT TAKES TO BE PRESIDENT, INCLUDING AT

LEAST HALF A FACE.

(LAUGHTER) AND THERE'S A GOOD REASON TO WANT TO BE PERRY'S MAIN

SUPERPAC, BECAUSE PERRY ALREADY HAS A HUGE NETWORK OF MEGADONORS.

AND THEIR MEGAMONEY WILL GO INTO THE COFFERS OF WHATEVER SUPERPAC COMES OUT ON TOP.

SO I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY,

BACK OFF BITCHES, I SAW HIM FIRST.

(LAUGHTER) OKAY?

I ENDORSED PERRY WEEKS AGO.

I ALREADY CALLED SHOTGUN.

THOUGH HE MAY NOT HAVE HEARD,

SINCE PEOPLE IN TEXAS ARE ALWAYS YELLING SHOTGUN.

SO HANDS OFF MY RICK.

HE'S THE LAST DOUGHNUT ON THE OFFICE BREAK ROOM SNACK TRAY AND I LICKED HIM.

WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT COLBERT SUPERPAC IS RELEASING OUR FIRST

TV AD THIS WEDNESDAY NIGHT IN DES MOINES, IOWA, DURING ALL THE LOCAL NEWS BROADCASTS.

CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS OF COMMERCIALS.

THEY HAVE THOSE, RIGHT?

THEY SHOULD.

BRACE YOURSELVES, FOLKS.

HERE'S A QUICK TASTE.

>> A STORM IS GATHERING OVER IOWA.

>> IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE REST...

(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) INTRIGUED?

INTRIGUED?

IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE REST,

JUST GO ONLINE, FIND A MOVING COMPANY AND RELOCATE TO IOWA.

OR BECOME A MEMBER OF COLBERT SUPERPAC, BECAUSE WHEN THE AAD PREMIERES WE

WILL SEND EACH AND EVERY MEMBER A LINK TO THE FULL AD.

AND AS A BONUS, A FORWARD FROM MY AUNT SARAH WITH 50 REASONS WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN.

IT'S FUNNY.

IT'S FUNNY.

AND IOWA NATION, WHY NOT HEAD OUT TO THE AMES STRAW POLL THIS SATURDAY AND VOTE?

OUR DEMOCRACY IS IN YOUR HANDS.

ALTHOUGH FROM WHAT I HAVE HEARD,

RIBS WILL ALSO BE IN YOUR HANDS.

SO TRY NOT TO GET ANY BARBECUE SAUCE ON OUR DEMOCRACY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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