Colbert Super PAC SHH! - Apology to Ham Rove

  • Aired:  10/06/11
  •  | Views: 50,712

To undo the damage he has unwittingly done to Karl Rove's otherwise spotless reputation, Stephen issues a rare clarification. (6:11)

SILENCE.

NATION, I'VE DONE SOMETHING

I THOUGHT WAS IMPOSSIBLE.

I HAVE HEART KARL ROVE.

LEGEND'S SAY YOU NEED AN

ELVIS BLADE TO DO THAT.

WHICH-- WHICH I HAPPEN TO

HAVE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LET ME EXPLAIN.

KARL IS UP SET ABOUT LAST

THURSDAY'S COLBERT REPORT IN

WHICH I DISCUSS HIS TWO

POLITICAL ACTION GROUPS.

AMERICAN CROSSROADS, WHICH

CAN RECEIVE UNLIMITED MONEY

BUT HAS TO DISCLOSE THE

NAMES OF ITS DONORS.

AND CROSS DID ROADS GPS

WHICH IS CALLED A 501 C-4

AND WHICH CAN ALSO COLLECT

UNLIMITED MONEY AND DOESN'T

HAVE TO DISCLOSE ANY ITS

DONOR.

SO I DECIDED TO COPY KARL

AND FORM MY OWN 501 C-4,

COLBERT SUPERPAC SHH.

I THOUGHT-- I THOUGHT--

(APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

FOLKS, I THOUGHT HE WOULD BE

FLATTERED.

IT'S NOT LIKE I COPY

EVERYTHING KARL DOES.

OTHER THAN THAT ONE TIME

WHEN WE WERE ROOMMATES.

(LAUGHTER)

AND AFTER I FORMED MY SECRET

DONOR C-4 I ASKED MY LAWYER

AND DEAR FRIEND BY THE HOUR

TREVOR POTTER, HOW THE MONEY

COULD BE USED.

I CAN TAKE THIS C-4 MONEY

AND THEN DONATE IT TO MY

SUPERPAC?

>> YOU CAN.

>> Stephen: SO I CAN TAKE

SECRET DONATIONS OF MY C--- :C-4

AND GIVE IT TO MY SUPPOSEDLY

TRANSPARENT SUPERPAC.

>> AND IT WILL SAY GIVEN BY

YOUR C-4.

>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT AND

MONEY LAUNDERING?

(LAUGHTER)

>> IT'S HARD TO SAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: NOT TRUE.

IT'S ONLY HARD TO SAY UNDER

OATH.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, THE BLAME STEVE MEDIA

TWISTED MY WORDS WITH

MISLEADING ARTICLES LIKE

COLBERT SLAINS ROGUE'S MONEY

LAUNDERING SCHEME.

AND STEPHEN COLBERT VERSUS

KARL ROVE, WHO'S BETTER AT

MONEY LAUNDERING?

HEY, HEY MEDIA, I WASN'T

TALKING ABOUT KARL ROVE'S

SHADOWY UNACCOUNTABLE

ORGANIZATIONS.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY

IDENTICAL SHADOWY

UNACCOUNTABLE ORGANIZATIONS.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT MY

SHOW WAS DELIBERATELY

MISREPRESENTED IN THE NEWS.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE

OTHER WAY AROUND, GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, AND THIS IS ABSOLUTELY

TRUE, I HAVE NOW RECEIVED AN

E-MAIL FROM KARL ROVE'S

LAWYER.

OKAY.

HE CONTACTED MY LAWYER

SAYING, AND I QUOTE, COPYING

FUTURE DISTRIBUTION OR USE

OF THIS COMMUNICATION IS

PROHIBITED.

(LAUGHTER)

OKAY, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING

ABOUT READING IT ON

TELEVISION.

SO [BLEEP] IT, HERE WE GO.

WHOEVER, IN ORDER THAT YOU

HAVE ACCURATE INFORMATION

CROSSROADS GPS HAS NOT MADE

ANY TRANSFERS TO AMERICAN

CROSSROADS.

AND CROSSROADS GPS DOES NOT

INTEND TO MAKE ANY TRANSFERS

TO AMERICAN CROSSROADS.

GOING FORWARD, ANY INNUENDO

THAT SUCH TRANSFERS HAVE

BEEN MADE CAN READILY BE

DISMISSED BY SIMPLY

REVIEWING THE AMERICAN

CROSSROADS FEC FILING.

FAIR ENOUGH.

SO TO UNDO THE DAMAGE I HAVE

UNWITTINGLY DONE TO KARL'S

OTHERWISE SPOTLESS

REPUTATION--

(LAUGHTER)

I WILL NOW ISSUE A RARE

CLARIFICATION.

AS HIS LAWYER POINTS OUT,

KARL ROVE HAS TWO POTS OF

MONEY.

ONE THAT CAN TAKE UNLIMITED

DONATIONS FROM ANYBODY, BUT

HE'S GOT TO REPORT WHO THEY

ARE.

AND ANOTHER, WAY BIGGER POT

OF MONEY, THAT CAN TAKE

UNLIMITED DONATIONS AND THEY

DON'T HAVE TO REPORT JACK

SQUAT.

NOT TO IMPLY THAT KARL'S

RECEIVING DONATIONS FROM

TEXAS OIL TYCOON JACK QUOTE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHO, OF COURSE, INHERITED

THE BULK OF HIS FORTUNE FROM

HIS FATHER, PAPA SQUAT.

THERE IS NO-- REPEAT-- REPEAT,

THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF

MONEY LAUNDERING.

AND KARL'S LAWYER

SPECIFICALLY ASSURES US THAT

NO MONEY FROM CROSSROADS GPS

WILL BE LAUNDERED.

THAT IS A PROMISE FROM KARL

ROVE.

BUT IF THERE IS ANY DIRTY

MONEY, IT WILL STAY DIRTY.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GOT TO RESPECT THAT.

NOW IN THAT SAME SHOW I ALSO

SAID KARL ROVE'S HEAD LOOKS

LIKE A HAM LOAF WITH GLASSES.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IF YOU EAT THAT HAM, YOU

GAIN ROGUE'S MEMORIES.

I WOULD APOLOGISE FOR THAT

TOO, BUT SINCE THEY DON'T

MENTION IT IN THE E-MAIL I

ASSUME THEY AGREE.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT FOLKS--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, I BELIEVE A

CLARIFICATION IS NOT ENOUGH.

I WANT TO APOLOGISE TO KARL

FACE-TO-FACE.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE DID NOT

RESPOND WHEN I DID NOT REACH

OUT TO HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE BOTH VERY BUSY MEN.

SO INSTEAD I'M GOING TO

APOLOGISE FACE TO HAM LOAF

WITH GLASSES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OKAY.

HAM ROVE, THANK YOU FOR

JOINING ME AGAIN.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I NEVER

MEANT TO IMPLY YOU WERE A

MONEY LAUNDERER, OKAY.

PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY.

(LAUGHTER)

HMMMM, SILENT TREATMENT.

I GUESS I'VE GOT THAT

COMING.

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY

TO KNOW IF HE ACTUALLY

FORGIVES ME.

(LAUGHTER)

AAAAAHHHH!

HE'S COOL WITH IT!

WELL, THANK GOODNESS.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SO GLAD THINGS ARE

KOSHER BETWEEN ME AND KARL.

SADLY, THINGS CAN NEVER BE

KOSHER WITH HAM ROVE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)