NASA Lasso

  • Aired:  04/11/13
  •  | Views: 26,857

Rope is the most advanced technology NASA can afford to fight Earth's space enemies. (3:19)

[EAGLE CAW]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME TO THE REPORT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-- THANK YOU.

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

IN HERE, OUT THERE, I THANK YOU FOR SUPPORT ON A NIGHTLY BASIS BECAUSE YOU KNOW, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-- YOU KNOW THAT I GET UP HERE EVERY NIGHT AND I ALWAYS SAY HOW I FEEL.

PLEASE -- I'M ALWAYS SAYING HOW I FEEL.

SOME PEOPLE MAY NOT AGREE BUT I GOTS TO DO WHAT I DO.

TONIGHT I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SAY I'M AGAINST A GIANT ASTEROID DESTROYING THE EARTH.

I DON'T CARE FIT LOSES ME SPONSORS.

THESE ARE BAD NEWS.

A CHUNK OF ONE ATTACKED RUSSIA BUT LUCKILY PUTIN PUNCHED IT OUT OF THE SKY.

GOOD NEWS, NATION.

THIS WEEK NASA UNVEILED AN EXCITING NEW PLAN TO FIGHT OUR SPACE ENEMIES.

>> NASA PLANS TO LASSO AN ASTEROID.

>> NASA WANTS TO LASSO AN AFTER THE TROID.

>> AND PARK IT NEXT TO THE MOON.

>> Stephen: YES, A NASA LASSO BECAUSE THE MOST ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY THEY CAN AFFORD WITH

THEIR BUDGET IS ROPE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LONG TIME OBSERVERS KNOW THAT NASA FIRST BEGAN WORKING ON THIS PROGRAM IN 1946.

>> YOU WANT THE MOON?

JUST SAY THE WORLD AND I'LL THROW A LASSO AROUND IT AND PULL IT DOWN.

>> HEY THAT'S A PRETTY IDEA.

>> Stephen: IT IS A GOOD IDEA.

THE PROGRAM LOST FUNDING WHEN THIS GUY EMBEZZLED IT FROM THE SAVINGS AND LOANS.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU IN JAIL!

FLORIDA SENATOR AND FORMER ASTRONAUT BILL NELSON SAID THIS WOULD HELP NASA HAVE THE

CAPABILITY TO NUDGE AWAY A AFTER ASTEROID AWAY FROM EARTH.

IF NUDGING DOESN'T WORK THEY COULD DEVELOP COACHING TECHNOLOGY.

I LOVE A PLAN TO DRAG AN ASTEROID INTO EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE BECAUSE NOTHING EM BODIES THE

SPIRIT OF AMERICAN LAZINESS LIKE BRINGING SPACE TO US.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE THIS -- THIS, LADIES AND LADIES GENTLEMEN, IS THE LAND OF CONVENIENCE.

YOU CAN'T EXPECT US TO TRAVEL MILLIONS OF MILES TO.

DPRK -- TO EXTRACT MEDIA SEDIMENT, I MEAN "THE BACHELOR" IS ON.

CONGRATULATIONS NASA FOR SPACE-PLOATION.

I DREAM OF A DAY WHEN

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