The Colbert Report Election 2012 - Too Close to Call

  • Aired:  11/06/12
  •  | Views: 110,159

The Colbert Report projects that CNN has projected that "Animal Planet" has predicted that the winner of the 2012 presidential election is Barack Obama. (6:34)

CALLED THESE MOUTH BREATHERS RUDE.

NOW LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO OUR COVERAGE.

IT IS 11:33 EASTERN TIME ON ELECTION NIGHT.

AT THIS POINT THE ELECTION TOO CLOSE TO CALL.

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

ROMNEY COULD WIN, OBAMA COULD WIN, AND THAT'S IT.

THOSE TOO.

BUT IT COULD BE A VERY LONG NIGHT AND WE WILL BE LIVE FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES, AS LONG AS IT

TAKES IS THE NEXT HALF HOUR.

YOU GOT TO BE DONE BEFORE THE ELECTION SPECIAL WHICH IS A VIDEO OF A GO GETTING NAILED IN

THE CROTCH BY A PUMPKIN.

THAT WAS CALLED AN OCTOBER SURPRISE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M BEING HANDED A PIECE OF PAPER, AND IT IS A NAPKIN.

THIS IS BLANK.

NO WAIT, IT'S, WAIT, IT IS A TEAR STAINED NAPKIN.

THIS IS A NAPKIN SOAKED WITH LIBERAL TEARS.

THAT CAN MEAN ONLY ONE THING.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE COLBERT REPORT IS READY TO PROJECT THAT CNN HAS PROJECTED

THAT ANIMAL PLANET HAS PREDICTED THAT THE WINNER OF THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS BARACK OBAMA.

[CROWD CHEERING]

>> Stephen: YES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

YES, THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I DID READ THAT WELL.

AMERICA HAS ELECTED ITS FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT FOR AN HISTORIC FIRST SECOND TIME.

OF COURSE OBAMA, OF COURSE LET'S REMEMBER, OBAMA IS ONLY HALF BLACK.

IT IS POSSIBLE IN HIS SECOND TERM HE WILL BE WHITE.

AT THIS POINT, I THINK HE OWES THAT TO US.

FRANKLY FOLKS, I'M STUNNED, I REALLY THOUGHT ROMNEY WOULD WIN.

NOW I'LL NEVER GET TO SEE THE INAUGURAL BALL AND HIS FIRST DANCE WITH REFALCA.

AT LAST, MY LOVE ♪ HAS COME ALONG ♪ FINE AMERICA, IT'S YOUR FUNERAL.

WE TRIED TO WARN YOU ABOUT THIS GUY.

A MULTIMEDIA EMPIRE TELL YOU HE WAS A MEDIA HATING SOCIAL LOVING ANTI-WEALTH REDISTRIBUTOR WHO

WAS PROBABLY LYING ABOUT HIS BIRTH PLACE AND HIS RELIGION.

WHY DID WE PULL OUR PUNCHES.

I TELL YOU WHAT.

WE JOB CREATORS ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT.

WE ARE GOING GOLFING.

JUST LIKE AN AYN RAND AT LAST -- TLAS SHUGGED AND LEAVE YOU ONA AN ISLAND WHERE ONLY YOU CAN

LIVE, MANHATTAN.

NOW THINK ABOUT THIS.

JUST THINK THIS THROUGH, FOLKS.

NOW OBAMACARE IS HERE TO STAY.

CHEER CHEER.

SO A SINGLE ILLNESS WON'T WIPE OUT YOUR LIFE'S SAVINGS.

BUT AT WHAT COST?

[LAUGHTER]

A LOWER ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR HOURS IN LINE FOR MEDICAL SCARE INSTEAD OF IMMEDIATELY NOT

GETTING ANY.

OH AND YOU THINK YOU OWN YOUR HOUSE, MISTER.

THINK AGAIN.

EVERYTHING BELONGS TO THE VILLAGE NOW.

WHEN YOU GET HOME TONIGHT, IT WILL BE CONVERTED INTO A LESBIAN FOOD CO-OP.

AND GUESS WHAT, IT'S YOUR TURN TO PACK THE TURNIPS AND I DON'T MEAN STARCHY TUBERS.

THERE IS A SMATTERING OF OBAMA SUPPORTERS HERE TONIGHT, RIGHT.

[CROWD CHEERING]

NO, GO AHEAD, ENJOY YOURSELVES.

BECAUSE FOLKS, YOU BOUGHT IT.

YOU BOUGHT THE LIE.

HOOK, LINE AND SINGER.

AMERICA'S A QUICK DRUNK AND AN EASY LAY.

APPARENTLY WE HAVE TO SHOW UP IN A NICE SUIT GIVE FREE HEALTHCARE SAVE THE AUTO INDUSTRY AND KILL

BIN LADEN AND THAT OLD GIRL WILL PUT OUT.

SURE, NO, SURE, SURE FOLKS.

SEE MY PROTESTS FIRST, MAKE SOME FAINT NOISES ABOUT DEFENDING THE CONSTITUTION.

BUT WHIP OUT YOUR WARFARE AND HERE COME THE SKIRTS.

WILL AMERICA RESPECT HERSELF IN THE MOMENT.

YOU COULD HAVE GONE WITH THAT NICE ROMNEY BOY.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

MITT.

NO THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT, MITT'S NOT A NAME.

[LAUGHTER]

REMEMBER, REMEMBER HOW STIFF AND AWKWARD HE WAS WHEN HE CAME ACOURTING.

HE WAS SO SWEET.

A GOOD MAN, A SOBER MAN.

A MAN WHO SHARED YOUR BELIEFS OR ANY OTHER BELIEF.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE OFFERED YOU, HE OFFERED YOU EVERYTHING A GIRL COULD WANT.

MILITARY BUILD-UP, OIL DRILLING ON NATIONAL PARKS, A MASSIVE ACROSS THE BOARD TAX CUT.

BUT NO, YOU HAD TO SUFFER RIGHT AT THE OCEAN.

SO HAVE YOUR FUN TONIGHT, BUT TOMORROW MORNING, YOU'LL WAKE UP AND YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE THAT

WALK OF SHAME.

WEAR NOTHING BUT OBAMA OWN T-SHIRT AND YOU'RE IN FRANCHISE NEW --

[CROWD CHEERING]

BECAUSE ON YOUR WAY HOME, YOU'LL PASS MITT'S HOUSE BECAUSE THERE'S PROBABLY ONE IN YOUR TOWN.

HE'S GOT A LOT OF HOUSES.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN YOU'LL REALIZE YOU MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

THEN IT WILL BE TOO LATE.

YOU HAD THE CHANCE AND YOU REJECTED HIM.

AND YOU NOW MITT ROMNEY WILL NEVER WANT YOUR VOTE AGAIN.

[CROWD CHEERING]

AT LEAST FOR A FEW YEARS.

ROMNEY 16, THINK ABOUT IT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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