"America Again" Release

  • Aired:  10/02/12
  •  | Views: 8,783

"America Again" lays out bold action steps that average Americans can take to reclaim the country's greatness, starting with "buy this book." (2:40)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE "REPORT" EVERYBODY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN") (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO THE "REPORT." THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

WELL, FOLKS, THAT IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS.

(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, TODAY IS THE BIGGEST DAY IN THE HISTORY OF PUBLISHING.

SINCE STEVE GUTTENBERG INVENTED THE BIBLE.

(LAUGHTER) BECAUSE TODAY IS THE OFFICIAL PUBLISHING DATE OF MY NEW BOOK "AMERICA AGAIN: REBECOMING THE

GREATNESS WE NEVER WEREN'T." (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I WROTE IT!

WHAT!

WHOO!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

STOP, STOP, STOP!

JIMMY, JIMMY, WHAT'S WITH THE BALLOONS?

I THOUGHT WE AGREED WE WERE GOING TO DROP BOOKS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THEY WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU, STEPHEN, THEY'RE TOO HEAVY.

>> Stephen: WELL, OBVIOUSLY WE WOULD FILL THEM WITH HELIUM!

DUH!

(LAUGHTER) ANYWAY, AMERICA AGAIN SETS FORTH BOLD ACTION STEPS THAT AVERAGE AMERICANS CAN TAKE TO RECLAIM

OUR COUNTRY'S GREATNESS.

ACTION STEP NUMBER ONE: BUY MY BOOK.

(LAUGHTER) NOW, FOR MY YOUNGER VIEWERS OUT THERE, A BOOK IS SOMETHING WE USED TO HAVE BEFORE THE INTERNET.

IT'S SORT OF A BLOG FOR PEOPLE WITH ATTENTION SPANS.

(LAUGHTER) IT MAKES A GREAT GIFT FOR THE HOLIDAYS, FOLKS: CHRISTMAS, CHANUKAH, BLACK CHANUKAH.

SO YOU'VE GOT YOUR HOLIDAY SHOPPING DONE.

THIS IS PERFECT FOR GRANDMAS, MOTHERS, SONS, MEN NOT OF WOMAN BORN, LOVERS, ENEMIES, TODDLERS.

THEY LOVE CHEWING ON THE CORNERS THEY SOFTEN UP AFTER A WHILE.

JUST REMEMBER TO REMOVE THE POISON FLAVOR STRIP.

(LAUGHTER) SO I'VE DONE MY PART, FOLKS.

THE ANSWERS TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS ARE IN HERE.

AND IF THE ANSWER ISN'T IN HERE THEN IT'S NOT A PROBLEM-- YOU'RE THE PROBLEM.

SUCK IT UP.

(LAUGHTER) AN