Cheating Death - Sleep Health & Cosmetic Surgery

  • Aired:  12/12/13
  •  | Views: 28,856

A government report warns of Ambien's dangerous side effects, and a New York City woman adorns her eyeball with platinum jewelry. (6:21)

NATION, GROWING UP, FOLKS, WHENI GOT A COLD THERE WAS NOTHING

MORE COMFORTING THAN A BIG BOWLOF MY GRANDMA'S CHICKEN SOUP.

SHE PUT A TON OF MORPHINE IN IT.

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITH

DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT D.F.A.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YES, SIR, YES, SIR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AS ALWAYS, FOLKS, "CHEATING

DEATH" IS BROUGHT TO YOU BYPRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS.

PRESCOTT.

YOU CAN CHEMICALLY DEPEND ON US.

(LAUGHTER)FIRST UP, SLEEP HEALTH.

FOLKS, A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP ISTHE BEST WAY TO NATURALLY

RESTORE YOU WHICH IS WHY ITTAKES POWERFUL CHEMICALS TO MAKE

IT HAPPEN.

CHEMICALS LIKE AMBIEN.

BUT EARLIER THIS YEAR WE GOTNEWS THAT WAS A REAL EYE

OPENER-- UNLESS YOU'RE ONAMBIEN.

>> NOW A WARNING FOR PEOPLE WHOTAKE AMBIEN.

A GOVERNMENT REPORT OUT THISMORNING REVEALS DANGEROUS SIDE

EFFECTS LIKE HALLUCINATIONS,BEHAVIORAL CHANGES, THINGS LIKE

AGITATION, SLEEP DRIVING, SLEEPWALKING, SLEEP EATING WHERE

YOU'RE IN THIS SORT OF HALFSTATE OF SLEEP BUT YOU'RE ALSO

AWAKE AND FUNCTIONING.

>> Stephen: HEY, THAT'S JUSTWHAT I CALL MULTITASKING.

(LAUGHTER)YOU CAN GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP

WHILE STILL DRIVING TO WORKEATING A WHOLE BOX OF BROWNIE

MIX.

(LAUGHTER)BUT FOR PATIENTS OUT THERE WHO

PREFER WAKING UP NOT WANDERINGTHROUGH THE NEXT COUNTY, THERE'S

A NEW ALTERNATIVE.

IT'S CALLED SUVOREXANT, MERCK'SSLEEP DRUG CURRENTLY SEEKING

APPROVAL FROM THE F.D.A. WHICHIS INSPIRED BY RESEARCH ON

NARCOLEPTIC DOGS, WHICH IS ISIMPORTANT WORK BECAUSE NOTHING

HURTS YOUR SELF-ESTEEM LIKE ADOG FALLING ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE

OF HUMPING YOUR LEG.

(LAUGHTER)BUT, FOLKS, SUVOREXANT IS

EFFECTIVE WITHOUT AMBIEN'STROUBLING SIDE EFFECTS BECAUSE

IT HAS EXCITING NEW SIDEEFFECTS.

ONE PATIENT HAD A FEELING AS IFSHOCKED, THEN FELT PARALYZED AND

HEARD VIVID SOUNDS OF PEOPLECOMING UP THE STAIRS WITH A

SENSE OF VIOLENT INTENT ANDANOTHER HAD A FEELING OF SHADOWS

FALLING OVER HIS BODY HUNTED BYENEMIES HEARING EXTREMELY LOUD

SCREAMS.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, OF COURSE, THE EASIEST

THING TO DO WOULD BE JUST LABELTHE BOTTLE "WARNING, MAY CAUSE

SUDDEN ON SET KAFKA."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BUT INSTEAD, THE F.D.A. TOLD

MERCK TO DROP THE SUGGESTEDDOSAGE DRAMATICALLY FROM 80

MILLIGRAMS TO 10 MILLIGRAMS.

UNFORTUNATELY, AT THAT LEVELPATIENTS RECORDED IT HAD NO

ADVANTAGE OVER A PLACEBO.

WELL, THE FOLKS AT PRESCOTTBELIEVE THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD

NOT BE PUTTING A BUREAUCRATBETWEEN YOU AND YOUR INESCAPABLE

NIGHTMARES.

THAT'S WHY WE ARE PROUD TOINTRODUCE VAXA-NUFF.

A THREE-POUND BRICK OF PURESLEEP AID.

YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN DOSE BYGRATING OFF AS MUCH AS -- AS

DOCTOR YOU PRESCRIBES.

(LAUGHTER)WHEN YOU FEEL YOURSELF DRIFTING

GENTLY OFF TO SLEEP, YOU'VE HADENOUGH.

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE SOMEONEELSE'S HAND IS DOING THE GRATING

AND YOU'RE NO LONGER YOURSELFBECAUSE YOU ARE THE BRICK OF

VAXA-NUFF BEING GRATEED INTO THEMOUTH OF A STRANGER THAT WAS

ONCE YOU AND THE UNIVERSE FOLDSIN ON ITSELF AND TRANSFORMS INTO

A SWARM OF BABY-FACED VAMPIREBATS, YOU'VE HAD WAY TOO MUCH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)SO AT WHICH POINT YOU'LL WANT TO

TAKE A LITTLE MORE.

BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TOSLEEP FOR WHATEVER YOU DO NEXT.

SIDE EFFECTS OF VAXA-NUFF MAYINCLUDE SLEEP WALTZING, NIGHT

TERRIERS AND NOCTURNALMUNITIONS.

(LAUGHTER)NEXT UP, FOLKS, COSMETIC

SURGERY.

>> UH-HUH!

(LAUGHTER)>>

>> Stephen: FOLKS, I'M A BIGFAN OF COSMETIC SURGERY.

OF COURSE, I DON'T NEED ITMYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE ALL OF

THAT TAKEN CARE OF FOR ME BY THEPAINTING IN MY ATTIC.

(LAUGHTER)STILL, I WAS EXCITED TO HEAR A

NEW WAY TO IMPROVE A PART OF THEBODY I DIDN'T KNOW WAS HIDEOUS.

>> IT'S AN EYE OPENING PROCEDUREBEING DONE HERE IN NEW YORK FOR

THE FIRST TIME.

A WOMAN IS GETTING A PIECE OFPLATINUM JEWELRY PLACED IN HER

EYE.

DR. EMILE CHIN BEGINS THEPROCESS WITH AN INJECTION OF

LIDOCAINE TO NUMBER T AREA.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> NOW I'M GOING TO PUT IN THE

SPECULUM TO KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.

>> THEN DR. CHIN MAKES A SMALLINCISION WHERE THE JEWELRY WILL

EVENTUALLY BE PLACED.

>> Stephen: NOW, THE PROCEDUREMAY SOUND PAINFUL BUT REMEMBER

BEFORE THEY SLICE YOUR EYE ANDINSERT A PIECE OF METAL THEY

NUMB IT BY JAMMING IN A NEEDLE.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, THIS PATIENT OPTED FOR A

LITTLE HEART.

YOU CAN SEE IT RIGHT NEXT TOWHERE HER EYE DIDN'T USED TO BE

BLEEDING.

(LAUGHTER)BUT THERE IS NO NEED TO WORRY

ABOUT THE SAFETY OF THEPROCEDURE.

>> DR. CHIN SAYS HE BELIEVESIT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SAFE.

>> Stephen: SEE?

IT'S PRETTY SAFE!

(LAUGHTER)THERE ARE SOME RISKS WITH ANY

SURGERY, BUT WHAT'S THEALTERNATIVE-- NOT HAVING METAL

IN YOUR EYE?

OF COURSE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE,THE PROCEDURE HAS NOT BEEN

F.D.A. APPROVED.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO THROWAROUND THE PHRASE "NOT F.D.A.

APPROVED" VERY LONG BEFORE THEFOLKS AT PRESCOTT TAKE NOTICE.

FORGET COSTLY PROCEDURES TO PUTJEWELRY IN YOUR EYE.

AT PRESCOTT WE BELIEVE TRUEBEAUTY LIES ON THE INSIDE.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE PROUD TOINTRODUCE VACSA-BLING, JEWELRY

FOR YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS.

IT'S SIMPLY COMBINING AN ANATOMYTEXTBOOK WITH A ZALES CATALOG.

JUST OPEN EACH TO A RANDOM PAGEAND WE'LL PUT THE THING IN THE

OTHER THING.

(LAUGHTER)SO THIS CHRISTMAS, TREAT

YOURSELF TO DIAMOND PENDANTEARRINGS IN YOUR TESTICLES.

(APPLAUSE)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SIDE EFFECTS OF VACSA-BLINGINCLUDE CREAMED CORNEAS, DOUBLE

VISION, AND IDRIS ELBOW.

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR CHEATINGDEATH BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT

PHARMACEUTICALS.

REMEMBER: ABUSE ONLY ASDIRECTED.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, I'LL SEE YOU IN

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