Colbert Super PAC - Rick Perry's Treasurer

  • Aired:  08/17/11
  •  | Views: 9,378

Colbert Super PAC beats back wannabe super PACs to become Rick Perry's official unofficial, non-connected, independent expenditure, all-you-can-eat money trough. (6:00)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'Eç Gj

t TO SAY HI TO EVERYBODYpHERE, EVERYBODY

ALL MY COUSINS BY THE DOZENS.

[LAUGHTER]

NATION, TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK

PERRY HAS BEEN IN THE RACE ONLY

THREE DAYS AND HE'S ALREADY

BLOWING AWAY THE COMPETITION

LIKE IT'S A TRESPASSING COYOTE.

[LAUGHTER]

IN THE VERY FIRST POLL PERRY HAS

AN 11-POINT LEAD.

ELEVEN!

JIM, LET'S TURN THE GOVERNOR'S

COLLAR UP TO 11.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS EARLY LEAD IS NO SURPRISE

CONSIDERIN' THE STRAIGHT

SHOOTIN' PERRY'S BEEN DOIN' ON

THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.

>> WE'RE CALLING TODAY ON THE

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

TO PUT A MORATORIUM ON

REGULATIONS ACROSS THIS COUNTRY,

BECAUSE HIS REGULATIONS, HIS EPA

REGULATIONS ARE KILLING JOBS ALL

ACROSS AMERICA.

>> Stephen: YES.

ANY CANDIDATE CAN SAY THE

ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY

IS KILLING JOBS.

BUT ONLY PARRY GOES THE EXTRA

STEP, AND SAYS IT WHILE KILLING

THE ENVIRONMENT WITH HIS IDLING

BUS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND FOLKS --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TRUE, TRUE.

AND -- CAN I ALMOST SMELL IT

AND HE'S RIGHT.

EPA REGULATIONS ARE KILLING

JOBS.

I RECENTLY HAD TO FIRE MY

aSBESTOS TASTER.

IT'S A SHAME.

HE REALLY NEEDS THE HEALTH

INSURANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO TONIGHT, I TOAST GOVERNOR

PERRY'S CALL TO END REGULATION

WITH THIS CHAMPAGNE FLUTE OF

LEAD PAINT.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MMM.

SEMI GLOSS?

[LAUGHTER]

THE MORE I DRINK, THE MORE SENSE

A PRESIDENT RICK PERRY MAKES.

AND FOLKS, PERRY HAS ALREADY

LIFTED ALL

THE REGULATIONS ON HIS MOUTH.

LIKE WHEN HE SAID THIS ABOUT FED

CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE.

>> IF THIS GUY PRINTS MORE MONEY

BETWEEN NOW AND THE ELECTION, I

DUNNO WHAT Y'ALL WOULD DO TO HIM

IN IOWA BUT WE WOULD TREAT HIM

PRETTY UGLY DOWN IN TEXAS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: OH MY GOD, THEY'D

MAKE HIM LIVE IN HOUSTON.

[LAUGHTER]

PERRY'S CLEARLY GOT THE BIGGEST

HUEVOS RANCHEROS IN THIS RACE.

WHICH IS WHY COLBERT SUPER PAC

HAS BEEN BEATING BACK ALL THESE

WANNABE SUPER PACS TO BECOME

PERRY'S OFFICIAL UNOFFICIAL

NON-CONNECTED INDEPENDENT

EXPENDITURE ALL YOU CAN EAT

MONEY TROUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, WHILE MY SUPERPAC IS

LEGALLY FORBIDDEN FROM

COORDINATING WITH HIS CAMPAIGN,

I THINK HE LIKES ME BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

EXHIBIT A: THE GOVERNOR OF TEXAS

ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY IN

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA,

RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER FROM MY

CHILDHOOD HOME!

OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO GET MY

ATTENTION!

HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE STOOD IN

MY DRIVEWAY WITH A BOOM BOX OVER

HIS HEAD.

♪IN YOUR EYES... THE LIGHT THE

HEAT ♪

♪IN YOUR EYES, I AM COMPLETE ♪

♪IN YOUR EYES, I SEE THE

DOORWAYS TO A THOUSAND CHURCHES

YOUR EYES♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SORRY.

HE JUST WON'T GET OFF THE LAWN

OF MY HEART.

[LAUGHTER]

EXHIBIT B: JUST YESTERDAY

"THE ATLANTIC" BROKE THE STORY

THAT THE NEW TREASURER OF

GOVERNOR PERRY'S CAMPAIGN IS ONE

SALVATORE PURPURA, WHO ALSO

HAPPENS TO BE THE TREASURER OF

COLBERT SUPER PAC!

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS NOT PREPARED TO BE THAT

SHOCKED THAT QUICKLY.

LET'S TRY THATu

/|Ñi AGAIN.[LAUGHTER]my

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'D NOW LIKE TO GIVE YOU MY

EXCLUSIVE REACTION TO THIS

CAMPAIGN-SHATTERING NEWS, BUT I

CAN'T BECAUSE POLITICO ALREADY

SCOOPED ME.

LAST NIGHT THEY TRACKED DOWN

THIS STEPHEN COLBERT PERSON AND

OBTAINED THE FOLLOWING

STATEMENT:

>> WE'RE NOT SURPRISED.

SAL IS THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS.

THAT'S WHY WE WENT WITH HIM.

WE'RE HAPPY FOR SAL AND WE ARE

EVEN HAPPIER THAT GOVERNOR PERRY

HAS SENT THE CLEAR SIGNAL OF

WHICH SUPER PAC HE TRUSTS TO

RECEIVE ALL THAT UNLIMITED MONEY

WAITING TO POUR IN ON HIS

BEHALF.

LOUD AND CLEAR, SIR.

UNOFFICIALLY, LOUD AND CLEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: I COULDN'T HAVE SAID

IT BETTER MYSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

POINT IS, RICK PERRY IS TAKING

SLOPPY SECONDS ON MY TREASURER,

WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT MY

OPERATION -- HOW MUCH MONEY I'VE

RAISED, HOW MUCH THESE PEOPLE

DOWN HERE HAVE GIVEN ME, MY

PASSWORD TO ADULT FRIEND FINDER.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, IN POLITICS YOU GOTTA PRESS

THE FLESH.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I WOULD AGAIN LIKE TO

EMPHASIZE THAT THERE IS NO

COORDINATION BETWEEN COLBERT

SUPER PAC AND THE PERRY

CAMPAIGN.

THAT WOULD BE WRONG AND ILLEGAL.

THEY'RE AS SEPARATE AS CHURCH

AND STATE UNDER A PERRY

ADMINISTRATION.

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