Tip/Wag - Anti-Prejudice Drug & Dick Cheney's Heart

  • Aired:  03/27/12
  •  | Views: 13,644

Popping pills reduces racial prejudice, and Stephen reveals the identity of Dick Cheney's anonymous heart donor. (4:22)

THAT MIGHT BE EASIER THAN I THOUGHT.

NATION, I DON'T WANT TO JUST GIVE YOU MY OPINION-- I WANT TO FORCE FEED IT DOWN YOUR GULLET

UNTIL YOUR LIVER BECOMES A DELICIOUS MOI-GRAS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS "TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THE FINGER."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, I DON'T SEE RACE.

PEOPLE TELL ME I'M WHITE AND I BELIEVE THEM BECAUSE MY TV SHOW

DOESN'T HAVE THE NAME "TYLER PERRY'S" IN FRONT OF IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT, AND I DON'T CARE HOW MANY EMMYS THIS COSTS ME: I BELIEVE RACISM IS BAD.

THAT'S WHY I WAS SO EXCITED TO HEAR ABOUT THIS ANTI-RACISM BREAKTHROUGH ON FOX NEWS, THE

OFFICIAL CHANNEL OF WHITE PEOPLE.

>> RACISM CAN BE REDUCED BY POPPING PILLS.

THAT'S ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY FROM OXFORD UNIVERSITY.

THE RESEARCHERS USED PROPANOLOL,

IT'S A COMMON DRUG USED FOR HEART DISEASE.

TESTS SHOW THOSE GIVEN THE DRUG HAD LESS RACIAL BIAS.

THE SCIENTISTS SAY THE DRUG IMPACTS THE PARTS OF THE BRAIN AND NERVOUS SYSTEM THAT DEAL WITH FEAR.

>> Stephen: YES, AN ANTI-RACISM PILL.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A BIG TIP OF MY HAT TO WHATEVER ORIENTAL GENIUS CAME UP WITH THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY ARE A SMART PEOPLE.

AND THAT'S NOT TAKING ANYTHING AWAY FROM THE JEWS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UNTIL NOW, FOLKS, SCIENCE HAS CREATED ONLY SUBSTANCES THAT INCREASED RACISM, LIKE MY AUNT

RITA'S GIN GIMLETS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE PUTS IN THERE, BUT HOO-BOY, DOES SHE HAVE SOME CRISP OPINIONS ABOUT ITALIANS.

WHRAF LAUGH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE DRUG, PROPRANOLOL IS ORDINARILY USED TO TREAT BLOOD PRESSURE BY BLOCKING ACTIVATION

OF THE AUTONOMIC NERVOUS SYSTEM,

WHERE RESEARCHERS ALSO BELIEVE SUBCONSCIOUS RACIST THOUGHTS ARE TRIGGERED.

FOR MY NON-NEUROLOGIST VIEWERS,

SUBCONSCIOUS THOUGHTS ARE LOWER CLASS THOUGHTS FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BRAIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW, THE SIDE THAT TAKES SIESTAS.

[ LAUGHTER ]yM THE GOOD NEWS IS, IF SCIENTISTS ARE TREATING RACISM WITH

MEDICATION, THAT MEANS RACISM IS A DISEASE!

AND AS SUCH, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT AND IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I KNOW MY GREAT GRANDPA LELAND WAS SO HUMILIATED BY HIS CHRONIC AILMENT, HE TOOK TO COVERING HIS FACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MISS THAT GOOD MAN.

NEXT, I WANT TO TAKE A MINUTE HERE TO SEND BEST WISHES TO FORMER VICE PRESIDENT DICK

CHENEY, WHO IS RECOVERING AFTER RECEIVING A HEART TRANSPLANT ON SATURDAY.

SIR, HOPE YOU'RE BACK ON YOUR FEET SOON.

OR MAYBE SOMEBODY ELSE'S YOUNGER, STRONGER FEET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, WHILE THERE HAS BEEN MUCH INTEREST AND SPECULATION IN THE MEDIA, CHENEY RECEIVED THE HEART

FROM AN ANONYMOUS DONOR.

WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT I AM GIVING A TIP OF MY HAT TO ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M THE HEART DONOR.

YEAH.

YOU CAN APLAWD.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DID IT BECAUSE I'M A BIG CHENEY FAN, MORE THAN HAPPY TO HELP OUT.

AFTER ALL, IT WAS JUST ONE HEART.

THAT'S WHY GOD GAVE US TWO.

EXCUSE ME?

I'M TRYING TO PRAISE MYSELF HERE.

WHAT?

NO, I'M PRETTY SURE WE HAVE TWO OF EVERYTHING, OKAY?

TWO LUNGS, TWO KIDNEYS, TWO LIVERS, TWO HEARTS.

OKAY?

THAT'S WHY DURING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE YOU COVER THEM LIKE THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

REALLY?

JUST THE ONE?

WELL,

THAT EXPLAINS WHY I'M FEELING SO SLUGGISH TODAY.

OH, I HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

SO, HOW LONG CAN YOU GO WITH NO HEART?

HOW LONG DID CHENEY GO?

REALLY?

OKAY.

COULD SOMEONE GET ME A LIST OF ALL OF THE INTERNS' BLOOD TYPES?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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