Exxon's Disaster Relief

  • Aired:  04/09/13
  •  | Views: 44,765

Exxon tries to put the Pegasus pipeline oil back underground where it came from and employs a time-honored cleanup technique pioneered by drunk guys. (3:02)

>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

NATION, I'VE GOT TO SAY WITH ALL THE DEPRESSING NEWS ABOUT POSSIBLE WAR WITH NORTH KOREA

AND THE ENDLESS DEBATE OVER G.I.

GUN VIOLENCE I JUST WANT TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD A LITTLE AND TALK ABOUT THE MASSIVE OIL SPILL

IN MAY FLOWER, ARKANSAS.

THE HISTORIC SITE WHERE THE MAYFLOWER LANDED.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

THE PILGRIMS LANDED AT LITTLE ROCK, I THINK.

ALL I KNOW IT WAS DEFINITELY ARKANSAS BECAUSE THEY CAME OVER ON AN ARK.

YOU MIGHT BE ASKING, STEPHEN WHY HAVEN'T WE HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT THE CLEANUP OF THE RUPTURE OF

THE PEGASUS PIPELINE?

BECAUSE EXXON HAS CONTAINED THE CLEANUP COVERAGE BY THREATENING TO HAVE REPORTERS ARRESTED FOR

TRESPASSING AND AT EXXON'S REQUEST, ITS F.A.A. ORDERED A NO FLY ZONE OVER THE AREA AND

EVERYONE IS RESPECTING THE NO FLY ZONE, ESPECIALLY THE BIRDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT NOT EVERYONE IS HEEDING THE CONSTITUTIONALLY GUARANTEED EXXON PRESS BLACKOUT.

SOME LEFTY GROUND WATER HUGGER SNUCK PAST IT AND BROKE INTO ARKANSAS.

THIS IS VIDEO BY ACTIVITIES WITH THE GROUP.

>> THIS IS WHERE THEY PUMP THE OIL THAT SPILLED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

THEY PUMPED IT INTO THIS WETLAND.

>> ERIC SAYS HE SPOKE WITH EYEWITNESSES WHO CLAIMED WORKERS POWER WASHED OIL INTO STORM DRAINS.

>> Stephen: OF COURSE IT'S GOING INTO THE STORM DRAINS.

THEY ARE JUST PUTTING IT BACK UNDERGROUND WHERE IT CAME FROM.

IT'S CALLED RECYCLING, DUH!

ANY ENVIRONMENTALISTS DON'T GET YOUR HEMP PANTIES IN A BUNCH BECAUSE EXXON'S DISASTER RELIEF

TEAM HAS THE SITUATION UNDER CONTROL.

>> THE WORKERS HAVE BEEN THERE.

THEY ARE USING SOME KIND OF QUILTED PAPERTOWEL TO TRY TO SOAK THINGS UP.

THESE ARE THEIR PAPER TOWELS.

>> Stephen: CLEARLY THEY ARE TAKING THE SPILL SERIOUSLY OR THEY WOULDN'T HAVE SPRUNG FOR

THE QUILTED.

EXXON IS EMPLOYING A TIME HONORS CLEANUP TECHNIQUE PIONEERED BY DRUNK GUYS.

THROW PAPER TOWELS DOWN ON WHATEVER YOU SPILLED JUST GET OUT OF THERE.

THERE ARE OTHER DRUNK GUY OPTIONS LIKE HIDING THE SPILL A STRATEGICALLY PLACED COFFEE

TABLE OR BETTER YET JUST FLIP ARKANSAS OVER LIKE EYE COUCH CUSHION.

THE POINT IS --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE POINT IS EXXON HAS GOT THIS ONE WITH THE PAPER TOWELS.

I'M SURE THEY'LL ALSO REPLENISH WHATEVER FOREST HAD TO BE CLEAR CUT AND PULPED TO MAKE THAT MANY PAPERTOWELS.

THEY'LL REPLANT WITH

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