ThreatDown - Dawn, Actual Food & Texas GOP

  • Aired:  07/01/10
  •  | Views: 55,416

Dawn causes the BP oil spill, underprocessed SpaghettiOs get recalled, and the Texas GOP wants to criminalize sodomy. (5:07)

THEY'RE JUST LIKE US."

NATION, IT'S LATE.

AND I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE

GOING TO BE SLEEPING SOON, BUT

DON'T WORRY.

THERE'S NO MONSTER UNDER YOUR

BED.

THE MONSTER IS YOUR BED.

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN.

[SIRENS BLARING]

FOLKS, REGULAR VIEWERS WILL KNOW

THAT LAST MONTH I FLOATED MY

BOLD THEORY ABOUT JUST WHO WAS

REALLY BEHIND THAT OIL LEAK IN

THE GULF.

JIM?

>> SOMEONE WHO HAS SOMETHING TO

GAIN FROM OIL-SOAKED WILD LIFE.

♪ ♪♪

>> Stephen: OF COURSE!

DAWN DISHWASHING LIQUID.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER

THREE.

DAWN DISHWASHING DETERGENT,

BECAUSE NOW I'VE GOT

CONFIRMATION THAT DAWN IS

RESPONSIBLE.

NPR RECENTLY TOOK A BREAK FROM

SEEKING OUT THE NATION'S MOST

INACCESSIBLE JAZZ TO COVER THIS

STORY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> BUT THE PANE DOESN'T

ADVERTISE AND THESE DAYS IS

RELUCTANT TO ADMIT THAT THE

GREASE-CUTTING PART OF THE

POTION IS MADE OF PETROLEUM.

>> IN FACT, DAWN IS ALMOST

1/7th PETROLEUM, SO FOR

EVERY SEVEN GALLONS THEY USE THE

CLEAN UP A BIRD, THEY HAVE TO

USE ANOTHER GALLON JUST TO CLEAN

UP THE DAWN.

SO IT'S CLEAR, FOLKS, DAWN

CAUSED THE OIL SPILL SO THAT

ANIMAL RESCUERS WOULD BUY DAWN

SO THEY HAVE THE MAKE MORE DAWN

SO THEY'D HAVE TO FIND MORE OIL,

WHICH INEVITABLY LEADS TO

ANOTHER OIL SPILL.

IT'S THE WORST CLEANING PRODUCT

SCANDAL SINCE MR. CLEAN WAS

CAUGHT GIVING THE BRAWNY GUY A

SPIC N' SPAN.

IT WAS FANTASTIK.

NEXT ON THE T-DOWN, SHOCKING

NEWS FROM THE GROCERY AISLE.

>> CHECK YOUR PANTRY SHELVES IF

YOU HAVE A CAN OF SPAHGETTIOS

WITH MEATBALLS.

THEY MAY NOT BE SAFE TO EAT.

>> THIS IS DIFFERENT THAN THE

LAST RECALL WHEN THEY

ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE CANNES

WITH ZEROS INSTEAD OF Os.

ZEROS HAVE NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE.

THE REASON THE FEDS ARE CRYING

UH-OH SPAGHETTI-O THIS TIME IS

THESE CANS OF PROCESSED PASTA OR

PROS-TA MAY BE UNDERPROCESSED,

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER

TWO: ACTUAL FOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

FOLKS, WHO ARE YOU GOING TO

TRUST TO BREAK DOWN NUTRIENTS,

YOUR MEASLY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM OR

THE ENTEK MASTER BATCH.

IT IS CAMPBELL'S RESPONSIBILITY

TO BURN, BOIL AND PULP EVERY

LOST DROP OF ORGANIC MATTER OUT

OF THOSE LITTLE O'S UNTIL YOU'RE

NOT SURE IF IT'S PASTA OR

REINFORCEMENT DISKS.

THIS RECALL IS A CRISIS.

IF WE DON'T HAVE PROCESSED

SPAGHETTI-O'S, WHAT ARE WE GOING

TO EAT, SPA SPAGHETTI?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT

IS TO TIE THOSE THINGS INTO TINY

O'S?

FINALLY, FOLKS, THE TEXAS G.O.P.

HAS RELEASED THEIR NEW PLATFORM,

WHICH HAS A LOT OF GREAT IDEAS.

FOR ONE, IT CALLS FOR THE

ADOPTION OF AMERICAN ENGLISH AS

THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF TEXAS.

NOW, I WOULD SAY BRAVO, BUT I

DON'T WANT TO GET ARRESTED FOR

SPEAKING SPANISH.

[LAUGHTER]

AND AN EVEN BETTER PLANK OF THIS

PLATFORM, ALTHOUGH IT IS ALREADY

BANNED IN TEXAS, REPUBLICANS

WANT TO MAKE GAY MARRIAGE A

FELONY AND THEY WANT TO

CRIMINALIZE SODOMY.

FOLKS, THIS IS A FULL-PROOF WAY

TO END HOMOSEXUALITY IN TEXAS.

GAY PEOPLE ARE GOOD LAW-ABIDING

CITIZENS.

SO IF WE MAKED SO PI ILLEGAL,

I'M SURE THEY'LL STOP DOING IT.

AND IF THEY DON'T, WE'LL SEND

THEM TO JAIL, WHERE THERE IS NO

SODOMY.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOT TO USE THE NOODLE.

GOT TO USE THE NOODLE, FOLKS.

AND THE TEXAS G.O.P.'S

ANTI-SODOMY PROPOSAL BRINGS ME

TO THREAT NUMBER ONE, THE TEXAS

G.O.P. GUY, NOWHERE IN THE

PLATFORM DO YOU SPECIFY WHAT

KIND OF SODOMY.

I MEAN, CHECK YOUR DICTIONARY.

IT'S A PRETTY BROAD TERM.

COVERING BASICALLY ANYTHING

FREAKIER THAN A FIRM HANDSHAKE

FACE TO FACE BETWEEN YOU AND

YOUR LAWFUL WIFE BEFORE YOU GO

TO YOUR SEPARATE TWIN BEDS.

I'M ALL FOR BANNING THE GAY

KIND, BUT SOMETIMES SODOMY CAN

BE A DEPRAVED, UNNATURAL ACT OF

DEBASEMENT BETWEEN MAN AND A

WOMAN AS GOD INTENDED.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT THERE'S

SODOMY AND THEN THERE'S SODOMY.

IT'S REALLY IN THE EYE OF THE

BEHOLDER.

WHICH CAN ALSO BE A FORM

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