Tip/Wag - Herald Embroidery, Bug Scientists & Dana Perino

  • Aired:  05/07/14
  •  | Views: 113,873

A Kentucky store discriminates against gays and Freemasons, scientists discover the world's first female penis, and Fox News's Dana Perino deflates a conspiracy theory. (6:45)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NATION, I ALWAYS WANT TO

KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.

RIGHT AFTER I TELL YOU WHATTHAT IS.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAGOF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FIRST UP, FOLKS, I'M SICK

AND TIRED OF CHRISTIANBAKERS AND

PHOTOGRAPHERS BEING FORCEDTO PARTICIPATE IN GAY

WEDDINGS THAT THEY DO NOTCONDONE.

I MEAN YOU THINK THAT EVENGAY PEOPLE WOULD BE AGAINST

A MAN MARRYING ANOTHER MAN.

IT IS KIND OF MATCHY-MATCHY.

THANKFULLY ONE HEROICBUSINESS IS STANDING UP.

KENTUCKY'S HERALD EMBROIDERYWHICH TOOK ADVANTAGE OF A

NEW STATE LAW PROTECTINGRELIGIOUS FREEDOM BY POSTING

A SET OF STOREFRONTSTICKERS.

THREE WELCOMINGCHRISTIANS, GUNS AND BEARDS.

AND TWO BANNING FOULLANGUAGE AND HOMOSEXUALS.

SO IF YOU ARE GAY, YOU CAN'TGO IN.

BUT YOUR BEARD CAN.

WHICH IS WHY-- (LAUGHTER)

I'M GIVING A RELUCTANT WAGOF THE FINGER TO HERALD

EMBROIDERY FOR TAKING A GOODIDEA TOO FAR.

BECAUSE FOLLOWING ACOMPLAINT FROM A LESBIAN

COUPLE WHO WAS REFUSEDSERVICE THE SHOP REPLACED

THOSE STICKERS WITH A SIGNEDREADING WHILE WE WILL

SERVE ALL CUSTOMERS WHOTREAT OUR PLACE OF BUSINESS

WITH RESPECT, WE RESERVE THERIGHT TO REFUSE TO PRODUCE

PROMOTIONAL PRODUCTS THATPROMOTE IDEAS THAT ARE NOT

IN KEEPING WITH OURCONSCIENCES THIS INCLUDES

BUT IS NOT LIMITED TOCONTENT PROMOTING HOMOSEXUALITY,

FREEMASONRY, THE USE OF FOULLANGUAGE AND IMAGERY WHICH

PROMOTES IMMODESTY.

NOW WAIT A SECOND.

I UNDERSTAND SHOWING THEGAYS THE DOOR.

BUT NOW YOU'RE GOING TODISCRIMINATE AGAINST ME

BECAUSE I'M A FREEMASON?

(LAUGHTER)WHICH I AM NOT.

BECAUSE IT'S A SECRETSOCIETY AND IF I WERE IN IT

I WOULD HAVE TO LIE AND SAYTHAT I AM NOT.

WHICH I AM NOT.

AND JUST THINK OF THE POORFREEMASONS.

DON'T THEY ALREADY FACEENOUGH JUDGEMENT?

I MEAN LIVING A DOUBLE LIFE,SNEAKING AROUND, NEVER BEING

ABLE TO SHOW THEIR FAMILYWHO THEY REALLY ARE.

AND ALL THE LIES.

SAYING I'M JUST WORKING LATE,HONEY, WHEN REALLY I'M

MEETING A BUNCH OF MEN TO DOGOD KNOWS WHAT IN A

WINDOWLESS HALL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S COME TOTHIS.

THE FREEMASONS ONCECONTROLLED THE LEVERS OF

GLOBAL POWER AND NOW WECAN'T GET AN EMBROIDERED

APRON, AGAIN, IS WHAT IWOULD SAY.

AND NO, WE WILL NOT SETTLEFOR SILKSCREEN, WHAT AM I A

[BLEEP] SHRINER?

NEXT UP-- (LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NEXT UP ON THE TIP WAGS THE

LATEST BUZZ FROM THE WORLDOF INSECTS.

WARNING, FOLKS, WHAT YOU AREABOUT TO SEE IS EXTREMELY

GRAPHIC SO IF THERE ARE ANYLARVAE IN THE ROOM

WITH YOU NOW WOULD BE A GOODTIME FOR THEM TO LEAVE AND

PUPATE BECAUSE SCIENTISTS INBRAZIL HAVE DISCOVERED A

CAVE-DWELLING BUG WITH THEWORLD'S FIRST FEMALE PENIS.

AND DEAR GOD, SHE IS HUNGLIKE A HORSE FLY.

JIMMY, PLEASE, JIMMY, IT'S AFAMILY SHOW.

THANK YOU.

NOW IN THIS NEWLY DISCOVEREDSPECIES, THE FEMALE USES HER

ELABORATE PENIS-LIKE ORGANTO PENETRATE THE MALE'S

VAGINA LIKE OPENING ANDCOLLECT HIS SPERM.

FEMALE PENISES, MALE VAGINAS,THANKS, GAY MARRIAGE.

(APPLAUSE)WELL, THIS SHOCKING NEWS IS

WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OF MYFINGER AT BUG SCIENTISTS FOR

DISCOVERING THIS, USED TO BEI COULD GIVE A QUICK GLANCE

AT AN INSECT'S THORAX ANDKNOW RIGHT AWAY IF I WAS

SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO IT.

BUT NOW IN THIS REPORT ONTHESE INTERSEX INSECTS OR

IN-SECTS, AND THE DISCOVERYOF THE FEMALE PENIS, I, NEY,

ALL MEN ARE FORCED TO ASKOURSELVES, WHAT GENDER IS MY

PENIS.

I HAVE ALWAYS IDENTIFIED ASHAvING A MALE PENIS.

BUT IT TURNS OUT I COULD BESWINGING LADY JUNK.

(LAUGHTER)AND IF SO, IS MY PENIS A

LESBIAN BECAUSE SHEDEFINITELY HAS AN EYE FOR

THE LADIES.

NOW NEXT UP, NEXT UP ONTIPPY TIPPY WAGGERMAN, FOLKS,

IF YOU FOLLOW THE NEWS YOUKNOW THAT BENGHAZI HAS

BEEN BLOWING UP AGAIN BECAUSEOF A SCANDALOUS NEW MEMO

LINKING THE OBAMAADMINISTRATION DIRECTLY TO

THINGS SAID BY MEMBERS OFTHE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.

AND FOX NEWS'S THE FIVE'STHE ERIC BOLLING HAS AN

IRONCLAD EXPLANATION FOR WHYTHEY DID WHATEVER IT IS

WE'RE ACCUSING THEM OFHAVING DONE AFTER THE

BENGHAZI ATTACK.

>> ONE MORE PIECE TO THISDON'T FORGET THIS WAS PRIOR,

PRIOR TO OSAMA BIN LADENBEING TAKEN DOWN.

AND THE THOUGHT WAS AND THEDISCUSSION WAS, ASK

PRESIDENT OBAMA GOING INTOTHE RE-ELECTION SOFT ON

TERROR OR NOT.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE ARESAYING IT WAS AFTER.

>> MUCH AFTER.

>> WAS IT AFTER.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,.

>> MY BAD, I TAKE IT BACK.

>> A GREAT POINT IF IT WERETRUE.

>> YES.

THAT'S UNDENIABLE.

YES.

A GREAT POINT AND AFANTASTIC NEW MOTTO, FOX

NEWS, FAIR AN BALANCED, AGREAT POINT IF IT WERE TRUE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)STILL-- I'VE GOT TO GIVE A

WAG OF MY FINGER TO DANAPERINO.

WHY DID YOU CORRECT HIM?

BOLLING WAS PULLING APASSIONATE HEART-FELT

CONSPIRACY THEORY STRAIGHTOUT OF HIS ASS.

YOU DON'T INTERRUPT A MAN INMID YANK, THAT'S RUDE.

(LAUGHTER)JUST SAY GREAT POINT.

BECAUSE BOLLING WAS RIGHT,UP TO A POINT.

OBAMA NOT HAVING CAUGHT BINLADEN AT THE TIME OF THE

BENGHAZI ATTACKS WOULD HAVEMADE HIM LOOK SOFT ON TERROR

IF TIME HAPPENED IN THATORDER.

-- HAPPENED IN THAT ORDER.

SO DANA, COME ON, GIVE YOURCOLLEAGUES A BREAK.

THEY'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUTBENGHAZI NONSTOP FOR 20

MONTHS.

YOU CAN'T EXPECT THEM TOREMEMBER THE EXACT DAY THAT

IT HAPPENED.

I MEAN WHEN WAS IT ANYWAY?

>> OH, SEPTEMBER 11th.

WELL, HOW ON EARTH ARE YOUSUPPOSED TO NEVER FORGET

THAT?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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