The Word - Medical Leave

  • Aired:  04/30/13
  •  | Views: 37,966

Medical repatriation -- the unregulated ability to ship patients back to their hometown -- provides the perfect answer to America's immigration and budget crisis. (6:07)

( APPLAUSE )

FOLKS, ONE REASON... ONE REASON

FOR OUR... HUGE, HUGE TANK FANS

HERE TONIGHT.

OF COURSE, ONE REASON OUR

BUDGETARY CRISIS IS HERE IS THAT

OUR NATION IS BEING OVERWHELMED

BY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.

IT IS A HUGE PROBLEM.

OR TO USE THEIR NATIVE TONGUE, A

SABADO GIGANTE.

AND IT'S COMPOUNDING ANOTHER

RAPIDLY GROWING PROBLEM:

SPIRALING HEALTH CARE COSTS.

BECAUSE -- AND I DID NOT KNOW

THIS -- UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS GET

SICK JUST LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.

AND THEN WHEN THEY HAVE TO GO TO

THE HOSPITAL, WHO IS GOING TO

PAY FOR THAT?

THE GOVERNMENT CAN'T.

THE HOSPITAL CAN'T.

AND IT'S HARD TO GO AROUND THE

CORNER FOR A LOTTERY TICKET WHEN

YOU HAVE A CATHETER IN.

FORTUNATELY, AMERICA'S HOSPITALS

HAVE FOUND A WAY TO TAKE THE

BULL BY THE HAIF OWES.

AND IT'S THE SUBJECT OF

TONIGHT'S WORD: MEDICAL LEAVE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NATION, WHEN IT COMES TO HEALTH

CARE, I BELIEVE IN THE OLD

SAYING, "A HOSPITAL IS NO PLACE

TO BE SICK."

ESPECIALLY, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE

AN UNDOCUMENTED WORKER IN IOWA.

>> IMAGINE GETTING INTO A CAR

CRASH IN RURAL IOWA AND WAKING

UP FROM A COMA IN COASTAL

MEXICO.

IT HAPPENED TO JACINTO CRUZ AND

JOSE RODRIGUEZ-SOLDANA, TWO

UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS SERIOUSLY

INJURED IN A WRECK.

THE DES MOINES HOSPITAL SENT

THEM OFF ON A PRIVATE JET TO

THEIR HOMETOWN IN VERA CRUZ.

IOWA METHODIST MEDICAL CENTER

EFFECTIVELY DEPORTED TWO

COMATOSE PATIENTS WITH NO

GOVERNMENT INVOLVEMENT.

>> Stephen: WELL, DEPORTED IS

SUCH A HARSH WORD.

THE HOSPITAL SIMPLY MOVED THEM

TO THE INTENSIVE "WE DON'T CARE"

UNIT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THIS PROCESS IS CALLED MEDICAL

REPATRIATION.

AND IT'S THE PERFECT ANSWER.

IT'S TOTALLY UNREGULATED.

SO HOSPITALS AVOID ALL THE RED

TAPE USUALLY INVOLVED IN

SHIPPING THE UNCONSCIOUS.

AND DON'T WORRY.

THESE DEPORTATIONS ARE 100%

CONSENSUAL.

YOU SEE, ACCORDING TO A PATIENTS

RIGHTS LAWYER, IN CASES WHERE

THE PATIENT IS UNCONSCIOUS OR

CAN'T COMMUNICATE, RELATIVES ARE

TOLD THEIR LOVED ONE WANTS TO

RETURN.

YES, THEY'RE UNCONSCIOUS BUT

DOCTORS HAVE WAYS OF KNOWING

THIS STUFF.

NOW NATURALLY, MEDICAL

REPATRIATION HAS THE

BLEEDING-HEART LABOR LOVERS OUT

THERE SAYING THE PRACTICE

VIOLATES U.S. AND INTERNATIONAL

LAWS AND UNFAIRLY TARGETS ONE OF

THE NATION'S MOST DEFENSELESS

POPULATIONS.

UNFAIRLY TARGETS?

I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD UNFAIRLY

TARGET ME WITH A FREE RIDE ON A

PRIVATE JET.

I MEAN, THAT'S THE HIGH LIFE.

IN FACT, THE NEXT TIME... CHEERS

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IN FACT, THE NEXT TIME I HAVE A

COUPLE OF WEEKS OFF I'M GOING TO

GO STRAIGHT TO THE EMERGENCY

ROOM, TELL THE ADMITTING NURSE

THAT I'M AN ILLEGAL ALIEN WHO

WAS BORN IN THE PLAYA FIESTA

BEACH CLUB AND HOTEL IN PUERTA

VALLARTA AND THEN BASH MY MYSELF

IN THE SKULL WITH A HAMMER.

WHEN I WAKE UP, I'LL HAVE BED

SORES IN PARADISE.

UNFORTUNATELY, FOLKS, NOT ALL

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE IN COMAS.

NOW THERE'S AN OBVIOUS FIX FOR

THAT.

BUT I'M NOT TELLING YOU TO GET

IN YOUR CAR AND MOW DOWN

EVERYONE YOU SUSPECT OF BEING ON

TEAM SHAKIRA.

AND WE CAN USE THIS CONCEPT OF

JUST SHIPPING OFF OUR HEALTH

CARE EXPENSES ON OTHER THINGS.

FOR INSTANCE, THE THINGS WE'RE

ALREADY USING IT ON.

>> SHOCKING ALLEGATIONS INTO

PATIENT DUMPING.

LAS VEGAS HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE

ACCUSED TONIGHT OF SHIPPING

PSYCHIATRIC PATIENTS WITH A

ONE-WAY TICKET ON GREYHOUND

BUSES TO LOS ANGELES, SAN

FRANCISCO AND OTHER CALIFORNIA

CITIES.

>> Stephen: HEY, WHAT HAPPENS IN

VEGAS, STAYS IN VEGAS.

UNLESS WHAT HAPPENS IS

PSYCHOSIS.

NOW, FOLKS, ONE PSYCHIATRIC

HOSPITAL, ONE HOSPITAL IS

ACCUSED OF SHIPPING MORE THAN

1500 PATIENTS ALL OVER THE

COUNTRY.

BUT THEY'RE NOT JUST ABANDONING

THEM.

AS ONE PATIENT SENT TO

SACRAMENTO EXPLAINED HE WAS

GIVEN A THREE-DAY SUPPLY OF

MEDICATION AND TOLD TO CALL 911

WHEN HE ARRIVED.

WE COULD SAVE EVEN MORE MONEY IF

WE GAVE THEM A THREE-DAY SUPPLY

OF RAISINETS AND TOLD THEM TO

CALL MOVIEFONE.

OF COURSE, SOME CITIES MIGHT NOT

LIKE HAVING PSYCHIATRIC PATIENTS

DUMPED ON THEIR DOORSTEP.

EASY FIX: DON'T LET THEM OFF THE

BUS.

WE'LL HAVE A NATIONWIDE ROTATING

CARAVAN OF BUSES FILLED WITH THE

MENTALLY ILL.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FOLKS, I THINK THIS "OUT OF

SIGHT OUT OF MIND" STRATEGY CAN

SAVE MONEY ON ALL OUR SOCIAL

PROBLEMS.

LET'S END POVERTY BY FLYING THE

POOR TO SUB SAHARAN AFRICA.

OR WE COULD STRAP THE ELDERLY TO

ROCKETS AND SHOOT THEM INTO

SPACE.

OR MAYBE WE COULD SEND THE

UNEMPLOYED SOME PLACE I'LL NEVER

COME BACK FROM.

BECAUSE IN AMERICA WE DON'T TURN

A BLIND EYE TO THE NEEDS OF OUR

FELLOW MAN.

SO WE NEED TO SEND THEM SOME

PLACE WHERE WE CAN'T SEE THEM AT

ALL.

AND THAT'S THE WORD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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