Tip/Wag - TSA Peeping Toms, Domino's Pizza Artists & Federal Judges

  • Aired:  02/06/14
  •  | Views: 25,333

TSA screeners gawk at body scan images, Domino's Pizza takes the art world by storm, and a judge allows drivers to warn others about speed traps. (6:02)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH, FOLKS.

YOU KNOW, I TRY TO LIVE BY THEWORDS OF THE GOSPEL, AND THE

BIBLE CLEARLY SAYS LET HE WHO ISWITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST

STONE. HAVE AT YOU!

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OFTHE FINGER.

FOLKS, LONGTIME VIEWERS KNOWI'VE ALWAYS BEEN A STAUNCH

SUPPORTER OF THE T.S.A..

AMERICA'S FRONT LINE IN CREATINGLINES.

I RECENTLY LEARNED SOMETHINGTHAT HAS GIVEN ME MORE THAN

THREE OUNCES OF RAGE.

>> A FORMER T.S.A. SECURITYSCREENER CLAIMS HIS FELLOW

AGENTS AMUSED THEMSELVES BYMOCKING THE IMAGES OF

PASSENGERS PRODUCED BY THEAIRPORT'S BODY SCANNER.

>> JOKES RAN RAMPANT.

MANY IMAGES WE GAWKED AT WEREOVER-WEIGHT PEOPLE,.

>> OFFICERS GAWKING AT IMAGES OFOVERWEIGHT PEOPLE AND GENITALS.

>> Stephen: GAWKING ATOVERWEIGHT PEOPLE'S GENITALS.

I THOUGHT THE WHOLE POINT OFBEING OVERWEIGHT WAS TO CONCEAL

YOUR GENITALS.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OFMY FINGER TO T.S.A. PEEPING

TOMS.

NOW EVERYBODY WILL BESELF-CONSCIENCE ABOUT TRAVELING.

YOU'LL HAVE TO GET IN SHAPE FOREVERY TRIP LIKE IT'S YOUR

WEDDING DAY.

BUT YOU GOTTA DO IT.

IT'S YOUR SPECIAL DAY.

AND THE T.S.A. IS ALSO TAKINGOUR BEST COPING MECHANISM--

BOOZE.

THE AUTHOR OF THE EXPOSE TWEETED,"ONE THING I LEFT OUT OF

THAT POLITICO PIECE, HELL, YES,EMPLOYEES OFTEN DRINK THE

ALCOHOL COLLECTED AT THECHECKPOINT.

THIS IS A FLAGRANT ABUSE OFPOWER.

THEY'RE BACK THERE LIVING IT UPON ALL OUR CONFISCATED GOODS.

SUCKING DOWN OUR WHISKEY,LAGHTERING UP WITH OUR SHAMPOO,

RINSING WITH OUR DASANI BOTTLES,ALL THE WE CLIPPING THEIR

TOENAILS UNTIL THE COWS COMEHOME.

IT SICKENS ME TO KNOW SOMEONE ISCHUGGING MY MAYO AND FIRING MY

TASER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

NEXT UP.

I LOVE ART.

BUT I'M WAY TOO FAMOUS TO GO TOA MUSEUM.

SO I WAS EXCITED TO LEARN THATTODAY'S BEST ART IS DELIVERED

HOT IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE JUST THINKI'M A PUNK KID MAKING PIZZAS.

BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE.

>> THE TRUTH IS, THERE IS MORETO DOMINO PIZZA MAKERS THAN YOU

THINK.

>> MANY OF US HAVE A REALPASSION FOR CRAFTING THINGS BY

HAND, LIKE OUR HANDMADE FRESHPIZZA.

>> Stephen: YES, DOMINO'S ISLIKE PARIS IN THE 20s.

IF PARIS WERE SANDWICHED INBETWEEN A UPS STORE AND A DRESS

BARN.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A TIP OFTHE HAT TO THE PIZZA ARTIST FROM

DOMINO'S SCHOOL, BECAUSE THEMOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME WHEN

I ORDER A BOX OF WINGS IS THELIFE STORY OF THE GUY WHO DUMPS

THEM IN THERE.

( LAUGHTER )YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I-- I FINALLY

GET DOMINO'S.

IT'S NOT PIZZA.

IT'S ART.

NOW, AT FIRST BLUSH, IT APPEARSEPHEMERAL, A PROTEAN MASS OF

MEAT AND CHEESES.

AFTER A NIGHT ON THE COUNTERIT'S AS IMPENETRABLE AS ROGAN'S

GATES OF HELL.

BUT IT'S PRETTY GOOD WHEN YOU'REDRUNK.

THERE IS NO STRONGER DEFENDER OFFREE SPEECH THAN ME, TRULY.

AND IF YOU DISAGREE I'LL CUTYOUR VOCAL CORDS.

THAT'S WHY I WAS SO PUMPED BY ARECENT FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

RULING.

>> A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HASRULED YOU CAN FLASH YOUR

HEADLIGHTS TO WARN DRIVERS OF ASPEED TRAP AHEAD.

>> FLASHING YOUR LIGHTS ISFREEDOM OF SPEECH.

THIS IS A GREAT VICTORY FORFREEDOM OF SPEECH.

>> Stephen: YES, FLASHINGYOUR LIGHTS AT A SPEED TRAP IS

YOUR RIGHT.

IT GOES BACK TO PAUL REVERE'SFAMOUS CRY, ONE IF BY LAND, TWO

IF BY SEA, THREE IF I CAN'TDRIVE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THAT'S WHY I GIVE A TIP OF THE

FAT TO FEDERAL JUDGES, AND,FOLKS, I CANNOT WAIT TO RELAY

THIS GOOD NEWS TO THE MILLIONSOF MY VIEWERS WHO ARE WATCHING

RIGHT NOW WHILE ALSO DRIVING ATRUCK, OKAY.

FIRST, I GOTTA GET OUT-- GOTTAGET OUT MY TRUCKER HAT, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

GOTTA GET OUT MY OLD CB RADIO.

AND IT'S GOING TO BE A LONGTRIP, SO I HAVE GOT MY SPORTS

DRINK.

AND MY TOILET.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

BREAKING 1-9, BREAKER 1-9, YOUGOT YOUR EARS ON.

THIS IS BIG DADDY TRUCKNUTSWITH THE 10-17.

THE MAN IN BLACK IS LAID DOWN.

THERE'S A FLAG FLY ON THE 20sFOR DUDLEY DO-RIGHT.

SKIP THE DOUBLE NICKELS ON THEGREEN STAMPS AND DROP THE HAMMER

DOWN BECAUSE IF THERE'S A BEARIN THE WOODS TAKING PICTURES A

GOOD NEIGHBOR WILL HIT YOU WITHA STROBE LIGHT ON THE FLIP SIDE

TO GIVE YOU THE HEADS UP ON THEBEAR BITES.

PEDAL TO THE MEDAL, BIG BUDDY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

ALL THAT AUTHENTIC TRUCKER LINGOMADE ME THIRSTY.

MMM-MMM.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

OH!

MMM-MMM.

NOPE.

( LAUGHTER )THAT'S THE URINE.