ThreatDown - Record Breaking Gays, Koalas & Purell

  • Aired:  09/29/10
  •  | Views: 64,837

Two men set the world record for longest kiss, the koala population suffers from Chlamydia, and hand sanitizer doesn't work. (5:09)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

NATION, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

PLEASE, FOLKS.

I HAVE LOOKED INTO THE EYES OF

EVIL AND THEN WENT IN FOR A

KISS.

I WAS GETTING MIXED SIGNALS.

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN.

[SIREN BLARES]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, I LOVE THE GUINNESS BOOK

OF WORLD RECORDS.

IT IS BY FAR THE BEST

ALCOHOL-SPONSORED REFERENCE

BOOK.

SORRY, CAPTAIN MORGAN'S RHYMING

DICTIONARY, IT'S 1,000 PAGES OF

WORDS THAT RHYME WITH ARRRGH,

LIKE STARARRRGH AND CARARRRGH

AND TENNESSEE SENATOR

LAMARARRRGH ALEXANDERARRRGH.

>> TWO MEN IN NEW JERSEY HAVE

SET THE RECORD FOR THE LONGEST

CONTINUOUS KISS.

MATT DALEY AND MATT CANCIELLO

KISSED FOR MORE THAN 33 HOURS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT,

FOLKS, THE WORLD'S LONGEST KISS

IS A GAY KISS.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT GAY

KISS, THE HOMOSEXUAL KISS IT TRY

-- TRIBUTE BAND.

JIMMY, THAT'S REGULAR KISS.

PUT UP GAY KISS.

THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS BRINGS ME, FOLKS, THIS

BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER

THREE, RECORD-BREAKING GAYS.

THESE DAYS ARE DESTROYING THE

TRADITIONAL SANCTITY OF STRAIGHT

WORLD RECORDS.

THE ONLY TIME TWO DUDES SHOULD

HAVE A RECORD TOGETHER IS IF

THEY'RE JOINED AT THE TORSO OR

ARE THE FATTEST TWINS ON

MOTORCYCLES.

NATION, WE MUST, WE MUST KEEP

OUR RECORDS FROM FALLING TO THE

GAYS.

EXCEPT FOR THOSE BROKEN BY

U.S.C. 100-METER DASH RECORD

HOLDER TYSON GAY, WHO IS

STRAIGHT.

HE HAD NO CHOICE ABOUT HIS LAST

NAME.

HE WAS BORN THAT WAY.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NEXT UP, FOLKS...

GOOD-LOOKING GUY.

[LAUGHTER]

NEXT, TERRIBLE NEWS FROM THE

ANIMAL KINGDOM.

RESEARCHERS SAY THAT 50 TO 80%

OF THE WORLD'S KOALA POPULATION

IS SUFFERING FROM CHLAMYDIA.

EXPERTS FEAR THAT IF A VACCINE

ISN'T FOUND SOON, THE KOALA MAY

BECOME EXTINCT, WHICH BRINGS US

TO THREAT NUMBER TWO, WHOEVER IS

[BLEEPED] OUR KOALAS, KNOCK IT

OFF!

NOT FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS THE MOST...

[APPLAUSE]

THIS IS THE MOST DISTURBING

BEASTALTY NEWS I'VE HEARD

OUTSIDE OF ANY E-MAIL FROM CARL

PALADINO.

WHY, WHY WOULD ANYONE SLEEP WITH

A KOALA?

AFTERWARDS THEY'RE SO CLINGY.

I'LL TELL YOU WHO I BLAME,

FOLKS, THE AUSTRALIANS.

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT, IF THIS

IS THEIR BEER CAN, IMAGINE THE

BEER GOGGLES THEY GET.

NO WONDER THEIR DIGERI-DOING

THEIR WILDLIFE.

KOALA, DO THE RIGHT THING AND

ALERT YOUR PREVIOUS PARTNERS.

I HAVE A FEELING JACK HANNAH

WILL GET AN AWKWARD PHONE CALL

TONIGHT.

SPEAKING OF ILLNESS, FOLKS, IT'S

TIME TO GET READY FOR FLU

SEASON.

UNFORTUNATELY ONE OF OUR WEAPONS

IN THE WAR ON GERMS HAS BEEN

NEUTRALIZE.

>> NEW STUDIES TODAY ON KEEPING

OUR HANDS CLEAN AND PREVENTING

ILLNESSES.

USING AN ALCOHOL-BASED HAND

SANITIZER DOES NOT SIGNIFICANTLY

REDUCE THE CHANCE OF CATCHING A

COLD OR FLU.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

HAND SANITIZER DOES NOT WORK.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

I USE THIS STUFF ALL THE TIME.

AND NOT JUST ON MY HANDS.

[LAUGHTER]

I GO HEAD TO TOE.

AND ONCE EVERY OCTOBER I GET A

PURELL COLONIC.

IT STINGS LIKE THE DICKENS, BUT

ON THE PLUS SIDE, YOU GET

HAMMERED.

AND YOU CAN STILL PASS A

BREATHALYZER.

BUT LISTEN, LISTEN, FOLKS, JUST

LISTEN TO WHO COMMISSIONED THIS

STUDY.

THE DIAL CORPORATION, WHICH

MAKES HAND SANITIZER, WHICH

BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER ONE,

SCIENTISTS WHO DON'T GIVE THE

RESULTS THEIR CORPORATE

BENEFACTORS WANT.

COME ON, SCIENTISTS!

DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS

YOU, ESPECIALLY IF THAT HAND HAS

BEEN PURELLED.

IT'S STILL COVERED WITH GERMS.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE THE

MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS FROM THE

50s WHO RECOMMENDED SMOKING

BECAUSE IT WAS GOOD FOR YOUR

T-ZONE.

IT WAS ONLY LATER THAT WE FOUND

OUT THE T STOOD FOR TRACHEOTOMY.

SO BE INDIVIDUAL -- INDIVIDUAL

LEN, NATION, THE FLU IS OUT THE

GET YOU.

AVOID ANY LARGE PUBLIC

GATHERINGS WHERE GERMS COULD BE.

I'LL HAVE MORE TI

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