End of the Government Shutdown

  • Aired:  10/21/13
  •  | Views: 48,665

As the government reopens, Senator Ted Cruz does a victory lap and Dr. Keith Ablow attempts to psychoanalyze Obama. (3:58)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD HAVE YOU WITH US, LADYING AND GENTLEMEN.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU, PLEASE, NATION, SIT DOWN!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

FOLKS, GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

FOLKS, I GOT, IT'S NOT ALWAYS THIS WAY BUT TONIGHT THAT CHANTING WAS AS CRISP AS AN OCTOBER MORNING.

(LAUGHTER) NATION, I'M BACK FROM MY VACATION.

HI A GREAT TIME.

I SPENT IT SCREAMING OBSCENITIES AT PARK RANGERS.

(LAUGHTER) AND OF COURSE THE BIG STORY WHILE I WAS GONE IS THE END OF THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW CONGRESS CAN GET BACK TO THE IMPORTANT WORK OF GOVERNMENT GRIDLOCK.

(LAUGHTER) THE SHUTDOWN COST THE ECONOMY $24 BILLION AND CAUSED CHINA TO LOWER OUR

CREDIT RATING TO A MINUS, OR AS CHINESE PARENTS CALL IT AN F.

(LAUGHTER) THIS WHOLE CRISIS, THIS WHOLE CRISIS WAS SO DRAMATIC IT LEAD SOME TO ASK IS THE

UNITED STATES A FAILED STATE?

THAT IS A HEADLINE FROM ZIMBABWE.

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S LIKE TED CRUZ ASKING HAVE YOU REALLY THOUGHT YOUR STRATEGY THROUGH.

(LAUGHTER) SPEAKING OF WHICH, MR. TED CRUZ KNOWS WHICH SIDE WON.

>> WE SAW THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES TAKE A COURAGEOUS STAND, LISTENING

TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, THAT EVERY ONE IN WASHINGTON JUST WEEKS EARLIER SAID WOULD

NEVER HAPPEN.

THAT WAS A REMARKABLE VICTORY.

>> Stephen: YES, THIS SHUTDOWNS WITH A REMARKABLE VICTORY.

AND AS WITH ALL VICTORIES, WE GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHO TO BLAME.

WELL, FOX NEWS RESIDENT PSYCHIATRIST AND FRAUDIAN PHALLIC SYMBOL DR. KIM ABLOW KNOWS EXACTLY WHO CAUSED

THIS VICTORIOUS TRAIN WRECK, JIM?

>> IN THE WORDS HOSTAGE TAKING BEING HELD FOR RANSOM, HE SAID THAT THE REPUBLICANS

ARE THREATENING TO BLOW THE WHOLE THING UP.

THERE'S A REAL VICTIM MENTALITY HERE.

AND IT REALLY EXPLAINS THE PRESIDENT'S WHOLE MENTALITY AND MANY OF HIS POLICIES.

I THINK THE PRESIDENT GOING BACK TO WHEN HIS DAD ABANDONED HIM, WHEN HIS MOTHER LEFT HIM WITH HIS

GRANDPARENTS, THAT ALL OF THOSE THINGS LEAD HIM TO FEEL VICTIMIZED, HURT AND INJURED.

HE AND HE HAS EXTENDED IT TO THIS COUNTRY.

>> Stephen: YES, OBAMA'S REFUSAL TO NEGOTIATE WITH CONGRESS WAS JUST HIM GETTING BACK AT HIS PARENTS.

I MEAN WE'VE SEEN THIS SAD STORY TOO MANY TIMES.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MALES WITHOUT ROLE MODELS GO ON TO BECOME PRESIDENT AND GIVE EVERYONE HEALTH CARE.

(APPLAUSE) I BELIEVE-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) TAKE THAT.

A BRILLIANT LONG DISTANCE DIAGNOSIS BY DR. ABLOW.

BUT ONE MUST ASK HOW WAS HE ABLE TO YANK SUCH AN INSIGHTFUL DIAGNOSIS SO SMOOTHLY FROM HIS ASS?

(LAUGHTER) I FOR ONE HAVE NEVER MET KEITH ABLOW BUT AS AN HONORARY DOCTOR OF FINE ARTS

I'M WILLING TO STAKE MY PROFESSIONAL REPUTATION THAT HE IS STUCK IN AN ANAL RETENTATIVE STAGE CAUSED BY

HIS PARENT'S SHAMING HIM DURING POTTY TIME.

SO IT'S SAFE TO ASSUME THAT HE CONTINUES TO WEAR A DIAPER AND AS WE SPEAK IS USING HIS OWN EXCREMENT TO

WRITE OUT HIS IDEAS FOR TOMORROW'S SHOW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THE POINT IS-- I THINK THE MESSAGE IS CLEAR, THE POINT IS VICTORY,

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