ThreatDown - Sicko Penguins, Stoner Babies & Terrorist Furniture

  • Aired:  06/21/12
  •  | Views: 45,155

Children look up to erotic flightless freaks, baby soaps contain THC, and America's furnishings partner with fundamentalists. (4:30)

WELL, STIFF EVERYTHING.

( LAUGHTER ) NATION, I NEVER THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND.

IT WILL WHIP BACK INTO YOUR EYES AND BLIND YOU.

THIS IS THE THREAT-DOWN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FIRST UP, FOLKS, I'VE NEVER

CARED FOR PENGUINS.

TOO MUCH DARK MEAT.

BUT NOW, I HAVE A NEW REASON TO BE REPELLED BY THESE KRILL-SUCKING CREEPS.

A NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM IN ENGLAND JUST UNEARTHED AN UNPUBLISHED 1915 REPORT FROM

SOUTH POLE EXPLORER GEORGE 11ET ON THE SEXUAL HABITS OF PENGUINS FOLLOWED BY 11ET'S SECOND

REPORT, "I'M NOT A PERVERT.

THERE JUST ISN'T ANYTHING ELSE TO DO AT THE SOUTH POLE." THE EDWARRIAN ADVENTURURE

REPORTS THE FREQUENCY OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY, AUTO EROTIC BEHAVIOR AND SEEMINGLY ABERRANT BEHAVIOR

OF YOUNG UNPAIRED MALES AND FEMALES, INCLUDING NECROPHILIA,

SEXUAL COERCION, SUL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE OF CHICKS, AND HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIOR.

SHOCKING.

THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

AND WE ALL KNOW THE TIP IS THE MOST SENSITIVE PART OF THE ICEBERG.

( APPLAUSE ) AND SO, FOLKS, THREAT NUMBER

THREE-- SICKO PENGUINS.

( LAUGHTER ) NATION, OUR KIDS LOOK UP TO

THESE FLIGHTLESS FREAKS.

MAD GAS CAR, SURF'S UP, HAPPY FEET.

I'M TELL YOU WHY THOSE FEET WERE HAPPY.

SOMEBODY WAS SUCK ON THEIR TOES.

IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE OUR KIDS ARE CARRYING LUNCH BOXES WITH PENGUINS GIVING A BEAK-AROUND.

"THIS AFTERNOON I SAW A MOST EXTRAORDINARY SIGHT-- A PENGUIN ACTUALLY ENGAGED IN SODOMY UPON

THE BODY OF A DEAD WHITE THROATED BIRD OF ITS OWN SPECIES.

THE ACT OCCURRED A FULL MINUTE AND THE WHOLE ACT WAS GONE THROUGH, DOWN TO THE FINAL

DEPRESSION OF THE CLOAKA.

BY THE WAY, THE FINAL DEPRESSION OF THE KLOKUA, IS PENGUIN FOR MONEY SHOT.

WELL I THINK WE ALL NOW KNOW WHY THE "NEVER HAD A BLOOPER REAL

FOR "MARCH OF THE PENGUINS." IT SEEMS KIDS START EXPERIMENTING WITH DRUGS YOUNGER

AND YOUNGER.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY'RE ALL LOSING THEIR TEETH?

THAT KID'S A TWEAKER.

IT'S WORSE THAN WE IMAGINED.

>> THERE IS A SURPRISING NEW DISCOVERY IN NEWBORN BABIES AND THAT'S POSITIVE TESTS FOR

MARIJUANA EVEN THOUGH THE INFANTS AND THEIR PARENTS HAVE NO TRUCKS IN THEIR INFANTS.

>> FIVE BRANDS OF BABY SOAP TRIGGERED THE POSITIVE TEST, THE SOAPS CONTAIN TRACES OF IT, HC,

THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN MARIJUANA.

>> Stephen: NO WONDER POTTEDHEADS HAVE SUCH IMPECCABLE HYGIENE.

ALL OF THIS BRINGS US TO THREAT NUMBER TWO-- STONER BABIES.

( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS, IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

THEY LIE AROUND IN THEIR FILTH ALL DAY WATCHING YO-GABBA-GABBA,

AND GIGGLING AT THE STOUPEST STUFF LIKE DANGLING CAR KEYS.

( LAUGHTER ) FINALLY, THE "ATLANTIC" IS

REPORTING JUST HOW VULNERABLE THE HOMELAND IS TO TERRORISM.

OF ALL THE VICTIMS OF TERRORIST ATTACKS LAST YEAR, U.S. CITIZENS MADE UP .001%, ADDING A

COMPARABLE NUMBER OF AMERICANS ARE CRUSHED TO DEATH BY THEIR TELEVISIONS OR FURNITURE EACH

YEAR, WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE NUMBER ONE THREAT IN AMERICA-- TERRORIST FURNITURE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I MEAN, WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN OUR FURNISHINGS WERE

IF LEAGUE WITH MUSLIM FUNDAMENTALISTS.

WE'VE GOT OTTOMANS HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT.

SOMETIMES WITH AFGHANS.

AS IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE'RE ALL RADICALIZED BY OUR FURNITURE.

TRUST ME-- YOU SPEND ENOUGH TIME TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER AN IKEA

ENTERTAINMENT CENTER, YOU'LL BE READY TO MURDER SOMEONE.

WE'LL BE R

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