ThreatDown - Military Food Police, Jazz Robots & Pretty Girls

  • Aired:  05/12/10
  •  | Views: 48,242

Childhood obesity threatens America's security, a jazz robot improvises with human players, and attractive women give men heart disease. (5:16)

CHILLY.

NATION, WE ALL KNOW ACROPHOBIA IS THE FEAR OF HEIGHTS AND CLAUS PHONE THAT IS THE FEAR --

CLAUSTROPHOBIA IS THE FEAR OF BEING TRANNED IN SMALL CHIMNEY WITH SANTA CLAUS, BUT I'VE GOT

PERICULO-DEORSUM-PHOBIA, FEAR OF THE THREATDOWN.

[SIREN BLARES]

NATION, WITH THE INCREASING THREAT OF TERROR ATTACKS, WE NEED A STRONG AND CAPABLE

MILITARY, WHICH IS WHY I WAS ALARMED BY THIS RECENT REPORT BY MISSION: READINESS, A NON-PROFIT

GROUP OF RETIRED MILITARY LEADERS.

>> A GROUP OF RETIRED MILITARY OFFICERS THAT PIZZA, FRY, CORN DOG, NACHOS SERVED IN THE

LUNCHROOM HAVE MADE 27% OF YOUNG AMERICANS TOO FAT TO FIGHT.

>> WE THE MEMBERS OF MISSION: READINESS BELIEVE CHILD OBESITY,

THIS ISSUE IS SO SERIOUS THAT IT'S BECOME A THREAT TO OUR NATIONAL SECURITY.

>> Stephen: EVIDENTLY, KIDS,

THE ARMY REALLY DOESN'T WANT YOU TO BE "ALL" THAT YOU CAN BE.

THAT BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER THREE, MILITARY FOOD POLICE.

FOLKS, I REJECT THIS IDEA THAT OVERWEIGHT TROOPS ARE NOT READY FOR MILITARY SERVICE.

FOR ONE, THEY DON'T NEED BODY ARMOUR BECAUSE THEIR VITAL ORGANS ARE ALREADY COATED IN A

CRISPY, CRUNCHY SHELL.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT INSUBORDINATION BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY USED TO GETTING THEIR

ORDERS FROM A COLONEL.

THREAT NUMBER TWO, JAZZ ROBOTS,

WHICH COMBINE TWO OF THE BIGGEST THREATS TO OUR NATION, JAZZ AND ROBOTS.

RESEARCHERS AT THE GEORGIA TECH CENTER FOR MUSIC TECHNOLOGY HAVE DEVELOPED SHIMON, A FULLY

INDEPENDENT FOUR-ARM RESUME BABA PLAYING AUTOMATON THAT CAN IMPROVISE ALONG WITH MARIMBA-

PLAYING PLAYERS.

I CAN ONLY ASSUME HE COMES PREPROGRAMED WITH HEROIN ADDICTION.

BUT THIS THELONIOUS JUNK DOESN'T JUST PLAY JAZZ.

HE'S BEEN PROGRAMED TO DIG IT,

TOO.

BOBBING HIS HEAD TO THE BEAT AND CHECKING IN WITH HIS FELLOW PLAYERS.

MEANING THAT LONG AFTER THE ROW BOUGHT UPRISING KILLED ALL HUMANS ON EARTH, THERE WILL

STILL BE SOMEONE ON THE PLANET PRETENDING TO ENJOY JAZZ.

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU KNOW SHIMON ISN'T GOING TO BE SATISFIED JUST PLAYING WITH PEOPLE.

BEFORE LONG HE'LL PUT TOGETHER A TRIO WITH A ROOMBA AND THE SMOOTH STYLINGS OF WT5, THE

DISEMBODIED JAPANESE ROBOT MOUTH I SHOWED YOU A FEW WEEKS AGO.

BRACE YOURSELF, AMERICA, THIS IS THE FUTURE OF MUSIC.

♪♪ EEE-OOO-AAAA EEE-OOO-AAAA

>> Stephen: NOT BAD, NOT BAD,

NOT BAD.

[APPLAUSE]

THOUGH IT IS REALLY DERIVATIVE OF JOHN COLTRANE'S SNOWBLOWER.

FINALLY THE NUMBER-ONE THREAT IN AMERICA, PRETTY GIRLS.

ACCORDING TO SCIENTISTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF VALENCIA IN SPAIN,

MEN WHO SPENT FIVE MINUTES ALONE WITH AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN HAD ELEVATED LEVELS OF THE STRESS

HORMONE CORTISOL, WHICH HAS BEEN LINKED TO HEART DISEASE.

WHILE THE WOMAN HAD ELEVATED LEVELS OF "WHY AM I ALONE IN A ROOM WITH THIS SWEATY GUY"?

FINALLY, FOLKS, SOMEONE HAS VERIFIED THE WORK OF SATURDAY MORNING RESEARCHERS WHO YEARS

AGOD BEAUTIFUL TO WOMEN TO SUCH AFFLICTIONS AS STAMMER TONGUE,

SELF-MALLATING AND AY-OOH-GA-EYE.

AND MOST NOTABLY, FOLKS, THESE SCIENTISTS FOUND THE EFFECTS WERE HEIGHTENED IN MEN WHO

BELIEVED THAT THE WOMAN IN QUESTION IS OUT OF THEIR LEAGUE,

WHICH, FOR SCIENTISTS, IS A LOT OF WOMEN.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, JUST TO MOVE HOW DAVID BECKHAM ROUSE THESE FEMME FATALES CAN BE, I'M GOING TO PUT

MYSELF IN HARM'S WAY.

GENTLEMEN, BRING OUT THE PRETTY GIRLS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI.

HI.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> JADE.

>> Stephen: JADE, THAT'S A PRETTY NAME.

IT'S LIKE A PRECIOUS STONE, YOU KNOW, JADE IS ACTUALLY A SEMIPRECIOUS STONE, IT'S

SENDMENTRY, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT KIND OF STONE IT IS.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS YOU'RE A ROCK, NOT THAT YOU'RE DUMB AS ROCKS.

JADE CAN ALSO BE PLANTS.

NOT THAT YOU'RE DUMB AT ALL.

YOUR EYES ARE BRIGHT AND SHINY LIKE DIAMONDS.

WHEN YOU SMILE IT'S LIKE THE SUN.

OH, GOD, GET HER OUT, GET HER OUT, GET HER OUT.

GET AWAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DID YO||||

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