Whales Aren't People

  • Aired:  10/26/11
  •  | Views: 24,663

PETA files a lawsuit claiming that whale performers have Constitutional rights. (3:08)

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN"]

>> Stephen: YEAH.

NOT BAD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT." GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

PLEASE.

SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M AN ANIMAL LOVER.

BEEF, PORK, POULTRY, EVEN FISH.

I AM INCENSED EVERY TIME PETA SPEAKS FOR THE ANIMALS.

THEY CAN SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.

EVIDENTLY ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS CEREAL AND INSURANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW, FOLKS, PETA IS SPEAKING FOR THE WHALES.

>> TALK ABOUT CONTROVERSY, DO KILLER WHALES HAVE RIGHTS UNDER THE U.S. CONSTITUTION?

PETA, THE PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS, PLANNING TO FILE A LAWSUIT TODAY SAYING

THAT ANIMAL PERFORMERS LIKE THESE HORSES ARE ESSENTIALLY SLAVES.

STEEP --

>> Stephen: REALLY?

HOW MANY SLAVES GOT TO HANG OUT ALL DAY AT A WATER PARK?

PETA IS WRESTING THEIR CASE ON THE CLAIM THAT THE 13th AMENDMENT, WHILE PROHIBITING

SLAVERY AND INVOLUNTARY SERVITUDE, DOES NOT SPECIFY ONLY HUMANS CAN BE VICTIMS.

IT'S WHAT LEGAL SCHOLARS REFER TO AS THE "AIR BUD DEFENSE"

BECAUSE EVIDENTLY THERE IS NOTHING IN THE RULE BOOK THAT SAYS WHALES CAN'T BE A SLAVE,

OH, SLAVE BUD.

DISNEY, CALL ME.

[LAUGHTER]

PETA'S LAWSUIT IS FRIVOLOUS,

FOLKS, AND CNN TURNED TO "COLBERT REPORT" LEGAL ANALYST JEFFREY TO TUBEN FOR SOME INSIGHT

INTO WHETHER THE COURT WILL APPLY THE FIFTH AMENDMENT IN THIS CASE.

>> IF THERE IS ONE COURT OR ONE JUDGE IN THE UNITED STATES WHO THINKS IT APPLIES TO ANYTHING

OTHER THAN PEOPLE, I WOULD BE VERY SURPRISED.

I MEAN, IT IS IMPLICIT THAT IT ONLY APPLIES TO PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY, AND WHALES AREN'T PEOPLE.

NO COURT WILL SAY OTHERWISE.

HOWEVER, CORPORATIONS LIKE SEAWORLD ARE PEOPLE.

THE SUPREME COURT SAYS SO.

AND AS PEOPLE, WE HAVE TO TREAT CORP RATIONS WITH CARE AND RESPECT AND NOT CAGE THEM WITH

ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS.

WE MUST LET SEA WORLD LIVE THE WAY GOD INTENDED A MARINE AMUSEMENT PARK COMPLEX TO LIVE,

IN ITS NATURAL STATE, WHERE IT'S FREE TO PUT A HAT ON A DOLPHIN,

TRAIN A WALRUS TO PLAY DIDGERI-DOO OR TEACH SEA LIONS TO DANCE TO THRILLER.

♪ THIS IS THRILLER ♪♪ A FITTING TRIBUTE CONSIDERING THAT BY THE END I BELIEVE

MICHAEL JACKSON HAD FLIPPERS.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

I KNOW.

IT'S SAD.

I'M JUST AS S