Stephen Colbert's Super Coin Toss

  • Aired:  07/31/13
  •  | Views: 41,558

Board game makers tailor their products for today's attention-deficient child and Stephen loses at his own game. (4:13)

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Stephen: THANKS SO MUCH.

FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU

BUT AS A LITTLE BOY IN SOUTH

CAROLINA, GROWING UP, THERE'S

NOTHING I LOVED MORE ON A RAINY

AFTERNOON THAN PLAYING BOARD

GAMES WITH MY FAMILY.

THE HOT CHOCOLATE, THE

UNEXPECTED LAUGHS, THE EMOTIONAL

BLACKMAIL WHEN A GROWN WOMAN

PRESSURES HER EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SON

TO LET MOM HAVE VENTNOR AVENUE

OR ELSE SHE'LL BE OUT OF THE

GAME.

YOU DON'T WANT THAT, DO YOU?

GAMES LIKE RISK GAVE ME MEMORIES

TO LAST A LIFETIME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

JAY.

I LEFT KAMCHATKA UNDEFENDED AND

YOU STABBED ME IN THE BACK.

WE HAD AN ALLIANCE.

THERE'S JUST ONE PROBLEM WITH

ALL THAT QUALITY FAMILY TIME.

ALL THAT TIME.

THAT'S WHY I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE

THIS.

>> BOARD GAMES ARE MAKING A

COMEBACK BUT IN SHORTER

VERSIONS.

GAMES LIKE SCRABBLE AND BOGGLE

AND MONOPOLY ARE RELEASING

SHORTER VERSIONS OF THE GAMES

BECAUSE COMPANIES SAY KIDS DON'T

HAVE ENOUGH TIME OR ATTENTION

SPAN ANYMORE.

>> Stephen: IT'S ABOUT TIME.

IT'S TRUE.

KIDS TODAY HAVE TIGHT SCHEDULED.

BUT HOW DO TOY MAKERS CUT DOWN

ALL THE TIME KIDS WASTE ENJOYING

THEMSELVES?

>> THE NEW MONOPOLY EMPIRE GAME

LETS PLAYERS BUY BIG-NAME BRANDS

LIKE COKE AND McDONALD'S.

GAMES ARE AS QUICK AS 30

MINUTES.

TO SPEED THINGS UP, THERE'S NO

MORE "GO TO JAIL" COMMAND.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

NO JAIL SO IT'S FASTER AND IT

TEACHES KIDS WHAT IT'S REALLY

LIKE TO WORK ON WALL STREET.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FOLKS, I SAY THIS IS JUST WHAT

OUR KIDS NEED.

YOU THINK CHINESE CHILDREN ARE

PLAYING WITH TINE OWE TOP HATS

AND THIMBLES?

NO.

THEY'RE MAKING TINY TOP HATS AND

THIMBLES.

I SAY WE BRING THIS KIND OF

MERCILESS CLOCK MANAGEMENT TO

ALL OF OUR CHILDREN'S GAMES.

I MEAN IT TAKES FOREVER TO PLAY

SORRY.

SO LET'S MAKE IT APOLOGY

ACCEPTED AND GET ON WITH OUR

LIVES.

AND WHO HAS AN AFTERNOON TO HUNT

AND PECK AROUND A BATTLESHIP

BOARD?

JUST PUT IN THE D.V.D. OF

BATTLESHIP THE MOVIE AND NO ONE

WILL WANT TO PLAY.

IN FACT, FOLKS, I'VE DESIGNED MY

OWN HIGH-SPEED BOARD GAME FOR

KIDS ON THE GO.

IT'S CALLED "STEPHEN COLBERT'S

SUPER COIN TOSS."

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

IT ALL TAKES PLACE IN THE

ENCHANTED REALM OF QUARTERRIA,

ALL RIGHT?

EACH PLAYER HAS FARMERS,

SOLDIERS, MERCHANTS AND BANDITS.

AND THE OBJECT IS TO CULTIVATE

ENOUGH GRAIN THAT THE MERCHANTS

CAN SELL TO PAY THE SOLDIERS TO

PROTECT YOU FROM YOUR OPPONENT'S

BANDITS.

AND OF COURSE THERE ARE TWO

GIANT ROBOTS WHO BOX.

I CAN'T WAIT.

BRANDON, DO YOU WANT TO COME IN

HERE AND PLAY WITH ME?

BRANDON, EVERYBODY.

OKAY.

BRANDON, THERE'S THE GAME FOR

YOU.

ARE YOU READY TO DO THIS?

>> YOU BET.

ALL RIGHT.

TO START, WE PUT OUR TOKENS --

I'VE GOT A CAR AND YOU'VE GOT A

CHICAGO SKY SCRAPER -- ONE SPACE

FROM THE FINISH LINE.

THERE YOU GO.

AND WHOEVER GOES FIRST WINS THE

GAME.

NOW, TO DETERMINE THAT, WE FLIP

THE MEDALLION OF FATE WHICH IS

DESIGNED TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE A

U.S. QUARTER, SOLD SEPARATELY

FOR $5.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FUN,

BRANDON?

>> I'M READY.

Stephen: CALL IT IN THE AIR.

HEADS.

Stephen: HEADS.

GOD-DAMN-IT.

GET OUT.

GET OUT, YOU CHEATER.

[BLEEP].

YEAH, GO HOME TO YOUR CHEATING

FAMILY, CHEATER.

GOD, THAT TOOK FOREVER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.